Having other children in your life. A blessing or a curse?

[isthismummy]

At the moment I'm feeling very sad at the total lack of children in my life. My family is tiny and there are no children in it. My DH had a ten year old brother, but we rarely see him. None of my friends have children. In fact I've only picked a baby up twice in my life at the age of 38 The total lack of any contact with children is really grieving me. However I then wonder if being around children actually makes it harder? The pregnancy announcements, seeing others close to you have what you most desire? From that perspective am I lucky to not have had to deal with that situation?

Would be really interested to hear other people's thoughts/experiences on the subject.

[zippybear]

I'm like you, also very very few children around. I do find it hard around the ones we do see, so initially I thought it was a blessing. I now worry thought that if we never conceive I will never get to have any sort of relationship with a child, never be an aunt etc which would be doubly sad.

[isthismummy]

It's so upsetting isn't it zippybear I'm unlikely to ever be an aunt either and it's been really playing on my mind recently.

It is such a hard and unfair position to be in isn't it? I'd love to cultivate a better relationship with DH little brother, but he's just not close to his family at all. Mine live at the other end of the country. So very isolating

[PurpleDaisies]

I teach primary and have four nieces and nephew whom I love. I don't know really whether it helps or not but I do love having them in my life. The actual pregnancies were hard but once they were born it has been mainly ok. I absolutely hate holding babies though.

There was an awful moment at the end of year show in school where all the parents were in watching their kids and I started crying thinking it wouldn't ever be me, but most of the time I really love my job.

I have no wisdom, sorry. I think it's a horrible situation whatever else you've got in your life.

[JoJoSM2]

I like babies and children in moderation. Particularly, when they're in a good mood. I think it's been the case even before my fertility struggles, though. I also find family and friends' pregnancies exciting and have been to scans or spent hours talking about stuff :)

[Viewofhedges]

I don't think it's worth trying to work out if it helps or it doesn't as that isn't going to magic nieces and nephews suddenly. You just have to learn to live with those thoughts. I say that as someone in exactly the same situation - no other children nearby / in family etc. Most of the time I'm OK, sometimes it's crushing. What would be good is if other people could stop saying "never mind, you can be a great aunty and then hand them back". No actually, I can't be that either. It can feel like a second failure, can't it? I really sympathise. There seems to be so much stuff about women who choose not to have kids, but do little for those of us who didn't choose, and we have to constantly navigate these daily reminders of what we can't have.

It sounds awful but sometimes instead of looking at the cute ones I look at the ones who are misbehaving or in any other way not perfect (i.e. Normal) to remind myself that I also like my peace / liberty etc. But I know it doesn't always work.

[isthismummy]

Viewofhedges Very true what you say-there really doesn't seem to be a place in society for the unintentionally childless. I feel like I'm on a fringe group where people just like to look in at now and again and tell me to "stay positive"

I'm feeling a bit better this week thank fully. Unfortunately I know my emotions go in cycles with this whole shitty experience. Next week I'll probably be crying every day again band snapping at DH.

I sometimes do the looking at badly behaved children as well. Or I take note of the frazzled looking mums and feel glad I'm not them. Infertility has made me a horrible person apparently.

for Purpledaisies and BiggerBoatNeeded also a 🥇for JoJo* for being a bigger/more stoic person about it than I could ever be. I nearly threw someone out of the window at work last week for even showing me her scan photo. I had to go and cry in the toilets.

[isthismummy]

That post is so badly constructed. You can tell I'm tired this morning!