How do I make it stop hurting?

[FuckleberryDunne]

I had two children with my first husband. Met my second at 38. We tried but never conceived. He had 3 with his first wife. Dh2 was the love of my life.

I feel meaningless compared to his real family, his first wife. He was a wonderful step dad to my dc, but they werent his.

I don't even feel able to grieve.

It hurts beyond belief.

How do I make it stop hurting? How do I get past my kids being older now, never having more, and never sharing children with my beloved dh2?

[Shellster52]

I hate seeing messages on here unanswered. Infertility is lonely enough without your message going unanswered on here too. I guess there are a lot of ladies on here who are desperate for just one child before they turn 40, let along being able to provide their child with a sibling or two, and then wanting more, to understand your position. That said, I suffered with secondary infertility and I do totally get that despite having a previous child/children, it does not hurt any less when you want another and yet it does not happen.

I was a bit hesitant to answer myself, because I simply have no answer for you. But then I guessed that you probably know that no one is going to be able to provide you with an answer. There is no fix to the hurt. There is no one that can say 'oh you just find this hidden button under your left knee and push it for it to shut down the pain!'. So I am here more as someone to talk to rather than having any answer... as much as I wish I could stop the pain.

You say DH WAS the love of your life, and that he WAS a wonderful step dad. Does that mean that this sad situation of not being able to conceive has now ended your relationship. I absolutely guarantee you that he married you because he loved you and that you two not being able to have children together did not change his feelings towards you, but the emotional toll that infertility placed upon you may have been difficult for you both.

I have just stopped breast feeding my IVF bub, and am at day 27 of my cycle after my first period returned. I was beyond devastated today when I felt period cramps and had the realisation that a natural miracle had not occurred. Everyone says that when you stop stressing, it will happen so I really got my hopes up now that I have my IVF baby and the pressure is off. The reality is that I will turn 40 in just a few days time and know that this makes any couples chance of a natural conception slim, let alone a couple like us with my premature ovarian failure and my husbands 100% abnormal sperm diagnosis. Yet I still managed to get my hopes up and wondered how I am going to stop getting my hopes up like this every month now that my period is back. Guess I'm just sharing my story to say that I understand xox

[FuckleberryDunne]

Thank you for your reply. Im sorry to hear about your struggles. Its great ivf worked for you.

I guess it was crass of me, considering I have two kids. Im sorry if I offended anyone.

[NoCupcakesOrCocktails]

I don't think it's crass at all, that longing for a child can be very consuming whether you already have children or not. I've no answers I'm afraid I just wanted to say you are not alone. Have you thought about counselling? I've had some previously and it did really help me accept my situation. Are you still with your DH? I'm sure your love for each other and the wonderful life you have had together is enough despite not being able to have children together.

I had to have ivf to have my little boy. It was a very long process and I do thank my lucky stars everyday that it worked for me. It doesn't stop my longing for another baby though despite my DH not wanting to have any further treatment.

I would definitely look into counselling if you haven't already. I hope you feel better about it all with time

[NoCupcakesOrCocktails]

Forgot to say I've not been on here in ages but have spoken to you Shell a very long time ago. I'm so pleased you finally got your baby what a journey you had!

[Shellster52]

Oh, thank you cupcakes. Yes, what a long journey with 7 egg collections plus more cancelled cycles. He's one expensive boy but we got there.... I'm so happy for you too, although I totally feel for you wanting a second even though I can understand that the treatment is quite a process and why your hubby isn't wanting to go through it again. I was on here wanting my second, and feeling guilty that most others on here had none and would be over the moon to be in my situation, while I winged away about only having one and wanting a second. So I totally get the desire for a second.

[Shellster52]

Dunne, I'm sorry if I made you feel you were being offensive by sharing your pain on here. You are entitled to want a baby with your husband and I understand it being just as painful, if you are suffering infertility after only having one child like me, or if you already have 3 children like yourself. Are you and hubby still together? Yes, I totally agree with the counseling. I found it so therapeutic being on here just for a place to get it off my chest so feel free to rant away as much as you need xox

[HipsterRaccoon]

So sorry you're going through all this pain. I think a natural part of grief is to think about what could have been, and to feel robbed. But you were your dh's real family, he was married to you not his ex. It sounds as if you had an incredibly special time together, and a bond few people get. I'm not sure if anything will help the hurt right now, other than just getting through it

[FuckleberryDunne]

Thank you for the replies. Im truly sorry if I hurt anyones feelings.