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Page 2 | Infertility insensitive comments. Anyone got a winner?(226 Posts)
Sorry if this has been done before. But I just wanted a thread to talk about the absolutely awful and insensitive comments people suffering with infertility endure on a regular basis.
Anyone experienced this too?
After asking how old I am (35): "Oh, so you never wanted kids?"
'ivf must be so much easier than trying naturally as you don't have to time your fertile window and it always works!'
Dear fucking god, what a bloody hideous and clueless thing to say.
Why don't you get a puppy?
Said to my sister after her third ivf failure.
I read this thread and feel so shocked, saddened and amazed at the utterly insensitive comments you've all received.
No excuses for any of them.
I just wish you all well and that things work out for you all x
Treacle's post brought this to mind this gem:
"IVF is wrong. Infertility is God's way of telling people they shouldn't have children"
Said by a colleague who professed to be an atheist...
On hearing I was pregnant with donor egg (known) "<funny face> ewwwh what if the baby love your known donor more than you"
😥 A fear of mine at the time but it was her tone, disgust and judgement that did it for me. If she wasn't a colleague I would have called her out on it.
Heard them all over the last (almost) 3 years.
The one that annoys me the most 'stop stressing/just relax' or 'just stay possible - it is almost impossible not to punch the person saying that in the face!! I think over the years I have got reasonably good at keeping the stress under control, I decided to stop using ovulation tests to help keep the pressure off and rely on just DTD as much as possible in the FW (in the months when not having treatments) but the stress always creeps in and people telling you not to stress actually increases it. And I honestly think there would be something wrong if after another BFN/failed IUI I didnt have a rant/a couple of days of tears, but apparently that is 'counter - productive!!
Phew, feels good to get that off my chest, love this board idea
Oh yeah, I got told that my body was preventing me getting pregnant because I was too stresssed and 'sensitive' by my mother-in-law. We have male factor infertility (which she knows about).
I'm the 'mother' to two nephews and my niece. They live with me and I would have committed suicide after losing my darling husband if it wasn't for them. I still get awe, you don't even have kids to remember him by head tilt. Also at least if you don't have any of 'your own' to worry about. It would be harder if you were a REAL mother because you'd have to comfort them too That's ok I'll just ignore the kids, will I? It's not like they're MINE. It's not like they gave a shiny shit about loosing their uncle/father figure.
These are gold
Some of the top of my head:
- At least you know you can get pregnant (said to me after delivering my IVF son at 20 weeks, who subsequently died)
- Maybe you're just destined not to have children (said to me by friend)
- Why don't you just adopt?
- At least it's free on the NHS (it's not! We've spent about £30k privately as DH has son from previous marriage so not eligible for treatment)
- Don't give up! (really? Because I have a money tree growing in my garden and the emotional reserves the size of an oil tanker)
- Have you tried acupuncture?
- I don't get it, I fell pregnant first month trying and we're the same age!
- Why do you need IVF? I thought it was only for old women
- If you just relax it will happen
"At least you can get pregnant" - after I had a miscarriage!
"Just be patient and relax" - yeah cause after 2 years of trying that advice is going to help!
"You'll understand when your a mother"
"It wasn't meant to be" - 2 days after I miscarried.
It amazes me how insensitive people can be towards others. Ttc is a long hard journey and people not to seriously think before they speak.
After my 4th miscarriage -
"Your body just isn't ready to have a baby."
I've had a good few:
'Just relaaaaax, I know someone who...' followed by the story of the miracle couple who gave up trying, got a dog/booked once in lifetime holiday et al and suddenly, magically got up the duff. I shouted at a work colleague for one of those comments - after 10 years of trying and two round of ivf I think I'm past relaxing, thanks.
'At least you know you can get pregnant!' - after misc following first ivf round - funnily enough I've not managed to get pregnant at all since.
'Oh, how are you, you're glowing?!' Said to me by a colleague on the day I returned to work following ivf and miscarriage. She was lucky I didn't punch her.
'I always worried that your DH was firing blanks - when will you give me a grandchild?' Said to me by the insensitive step MiL when we finally got the courage to tell then we had unexplained infertility.
'I'm worried I'll be infertile' said to me several times by so called best friend while she was planning her wedding (and planning to try to conceive as soon after the wedding as possible). She knew my history and wasn't particularly supportive through both ivf rounds and my miscarriage. A year on and she's 30 weeks pregnant.
Another friend joking about how she only had to look at her husband and his super sperm makes her pregnant.
I've had offers from acquaintances to be my surrogate. Serious ones. They don't even stop to consider how insensitive that is. I even had one offer because she loved being pregnant but hated the newborn thing as it was sooo boring. I'm sure it is, but I'd give anything for that kind of boredom.
Because of the nature of my job I'm always asked if I have kids and if I want kids, why don't I have kids? So difficult not to scream in their faces. Totally not appropriate for me to explain my fertility issues but I just want them to stop and think!!
I've also had people say 'you'll be next!' When I've been holding the babies of friends and relatives. I never know what to say. If I say no, I'm seen as a child hater. If I smile and laugh I just have to die on the inside. Great, thanks.
I've even had 'awww you're a natural with babies' (I should hope so, being a midwife. Im kind of used to handling them) 'When are you going to start trying?' (10 years ago thanks).
I've also been given suggestions of what I should try, OPKs, meditation, acupuncture, Chinese herbal medicine, all manner of drugs, internet acquired clomid.... I don't want suggestions or opinions or questions. I just want you all to shut the f up and stop talking about my ovaries like they're your property!!
A work colleague and father of four 'I don't think women who don't have children are real women' apropos of not very much and about a week after I'd miscarried an IVF pregnancy.
I was sooo tempted to respond 'And what do you think I am then? A Griffin', but as I was several levels above him in the organization I decided it was better to just maintain an icy silence and let the tactlessness of his comment sink in. I was usually quite friendly to him.
There was an old thread
on here called Yes, I have tried fecking relaxing ..which I thought was a genius title
On meeting our new puppy, my dp's cousin said "I don't know why you had to get a dog, couldn't you just have a real baby instead".
After telling a friend we were about to start IVF
"I'm not sure if I could do IVF. Surely it is nature's way of telling you that you weren't meant to be a parent"
Ironically, she is now going through IVF herself, and has even gone as far as moving to another country to get it for free
I have had "just relax/try going on holiday/etc" from people who know I have had multiple miscarriages (6 to date). Words fail me.
More (I had four miscarriages) -
"There must have been something wrong with the baby - it probably would have looked gross" - thanks, MUM.
"Are you trying again?" - asked by my SIL at Xmas Dinner, in front of the whole family, days after my first loss. I said, "Well, not right NOW!"
"Maybe you've been trying too hard?"
"It is nature's way of saving you from an abortion"
"Just relax and it'll happen". No it didn't.
"At least you know you can get pregnant" after mc. Nope, still couldn't.
"miscarriages are really common" after another mc. Just what I needed to hear.
"but you have a child now so your miscarriages don't matter" after 9th mc (DD was fifth pregnancy). Oh yes they do.
Some of these are shocking people are idiots!
2.Your a bit "Intense" (I just want to say how would you feel if you had problems. If your not intense you do not care enough.)
3.Your lucky you dont have kids christmas is expensive.
4.What do you mean you need IVF one day looking after my child you would change your mind on the whole thing.
5.If you cant have kids its not my problem... fertility treatment shouldnt be on the NHS.
6. You must be doing it wrong.
7. Dont worry youve got loads of time.
8. Why bother just adopt.
9. Well its not the end of the bloody world is it try longer.
10. Well you do realise if you had kids they are a drain on money and your life. (No shit sherlock!)
11. Is your DH shooting blanks. (My old boss)
12. You dont understand because youve got no kids. (One of the nurses checking my pregesterone because i cant get preggers)
13. Do you not want kids.
14. I will be your surrogette.
15. They will just give you IVF and that will solve all of your problems.
16. Why do you want kids go live your life you dont need to have kids to be a happy person and you should live your life instead wasting it trying.
17. Its just not ment to be.
18. Your not a real woman if youve not got kids
19. You dont know real love untill you have kids of your own.
And my fave one of my friends told me she knows how i feel because and i quote "Tried for ages and thought it would never happen" when i asked her how long she had tried she said about 5 months.
I could have Hoofed her up the muff Poor her eh wee scone ! Im about 2.5 years into this journey.
Hugs to everyone who's had something horrible said, some of these are unbelievably horrible. People are the worst!
Also, so glad this isn't in AIBU because there is always some twat that shows up saying 'Well, someone who had spent 10 years trying to get pregnant once looked at me a bit funny when I mentioned my kids so it works both ways you know!' Every single time there's a thread in AIBU it happens. Maybe it's the same person each time.
"It wasn't like a real baby" said to my friend after her miscarriage.
I've had lots of friends with issues so I do try and choose my words carefully. It's so unfortunate that other people don't.
My personal favourite is "how on earth can you expect to bring a happy positive new life into the world if you're not happy and positive?" Said to me when feeling very low! Makes me want to scream!
And of course I've had the "relax", "go on holiday", "just completely forget about it" and "it'll happen when you least expect it" etc