Secondary infertility has ruined my life

[rosemorose]

I'm so fed up.
I'm 35, i conceived 12 years ago and had DS. I have been ttc baby number two for 8 years. In that time I have split with DH (3 years ago) partly due to the stress of it, infertility treatments (all but IVF). I've been with my DP for 2 years, have not used protection for 15 months as I've lost all hope (had STI checks first) and still nothing. After 'the' conversation a few months ago about age, fertility, the future, we decided we would like to try and have a baby. I say try because it's seemingly never going to happen by accident.

I've had all the tests before, being prodded, poked, jabbed, operated on, HSG, camera in the womb etc etc. The only thing they found was a bit of endometriosis 6.5 years ago that was treated.

My infertility doctor suggested we test DP's sperm and do FSH bloods for me. That was a couple of months ago and we still haven't done them. I have the paperwork to go and get it sorted but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Today I lost it, threw the papers away, decided I can't keep doing this. I pretend I'm ok with it, I try and live my life with a smile but it broke me, years of sub fertility have destroyed me.

DP doesn't have children, says he doesn't mind not having children, doesn't want to put any pressure on me, just wants me to be happy, us to be happy, together with DS. I thought I was ok, that I could be happy with that and move on but I don't really know what I feel other than frustration. Every month for what may as well be a decade (when DTD) I've wondered if this could be it, miracle month. I know my cycle inside out, I desperately miss the days of ignorance, they were bliss. I can't live feeling that way every month for another 8 years. But I desperately want a baby. I can't win!
I've considered asking my Doctor for a hysterectomy, just to stop the what if every month. I feel this state of affairs has sent me slightly mad. I veer from thinking babies are lovely to hating people who fall pregnant and all that goes with them, I feel like it's completely unfair. I feel exhausted by it.

I don't know why I'm writing really, I'm not asking anything. I want to throw a huge tantrum and scream and shout about the unfairness of it all. I'd rather be told I can never have children and that's that, or go on the pill (too old) or be sterilised to take the 'maybe' away, I can't stand it anymore! One day DP will leave me because I can't give him a baby, as exDH did. When really, it's all I want in the world and I can't do it. At least if the menopause started tomorrow I'd know that was that and could move on, despite the devastation.

The hope is killing me.

[outputgap]

OK, you can tell me to fuck off, but can I check you've had your thyroid function checked by a fertility person, and sticky blood tests?

[rosemorose]

Absolutely don't fuck off! You may think of something they haven't. I've had full thyroid function, hypothyroid and on levo, TSH kept below 2. Full blood work up and as far as I know, all ok. Do they routinely test for sticky blood?

A lot of months around 9,10,11 dpo I get swollen breasts, spotting, twinges, feelings that I could be... then it goes away. Comes back just before AF. I wondered if I had implantation problems but nobody seems to listen.

[AConvivialHost]

Do you mind me asking if you are overweight? I suffered secondary infertility after the birth of my daughter. We tried to conceive unsuccessfully for 8 years and had given up all hope and agreed that my DH should have a vasectomy so we didn't have to put ourselves through the agony of getting our hopes up each month. My DH then got depression and cancelled his op with a view to rescheduling once he was feeling brighter. In the meantime I lost 2 stone and found myself pregnant at 42, after we had given up all hope - the weight loss is the only thing I can put my finger on. My heart does go out to you, as I do remember that sense of grief each month, how exhausting it is and how much of a strain it puts on relationships 😓

[rosemorose]

I lost weight in 2011 (about 2 stone) have been a perfect weight since. I've tried all kinds of dietary changes which only ended up causing me more stress. I eat well now, healthily with occasional treats. I don't drink, I don't smoke. I have often thought I'd be the one getting pregnant by accident at 39! It's soul destroying. I feel like I'm wasting my 30s worrying about it.

[AConvivialHost]

It's a tricky one, as I had eventually resigned myself to it not happening so I was no longer worrying about it. It could be that the stress of the entire process is impacting on your health and that is affecting your fertility? Might be worth thinking about counselling? I know it's easy for me to say, particularly in light of our outcome, but I really had come to terms with it not happening - but to be able to move on I needed to know what our future was going to look like without that second child. We agreed that travel was important to us as a family, and we agreed a travel bucket list that we were going to tick off in what we thought would be the next stage of our life. Having a plan helped me to focus on what I had, rather than what I didn't have.

[Ekphrasis]

Hi op. Could you try to get your tsh nearer 1? One or 2 of extra 25's a week?

And have you read "it starts with the egg" and tried anything in there?

[cluelessnewmum]

I have no advice to offer OP but I can only agree that the wait slowly eats away at you, the human psyche is not built for years of hope followed by disappointment.

I wish a couple of things. I wish that there was more research on secondary infertility - why is this happening to us, when all the tests tell us we don't have any problems and we have already conceived a kid fine without any bother.

I also wish something could be invented which makes the 2ww a lot shorter - if I could find out 3-4 days after ovulation that I wasn't pregnant, then great, move on. But as it is I spend half my f*ing life wondering if I'm pregnant.

Considering there's about a billion threads in the internet of women complaining about the 2ww, you'd think someone would work out a way if detecting pregnancy Alot earlier.

Thought if the day - if men had to do the 2ww do you think something might have been done to shorten the wait?

Ekphrasis what is 'one or two extra 25s a week'? How do you get TSH down (mine is 2.4, which the NHS won't pay any attention to).

[outputgap]

I think the sticky blood/blood clotting tests are not routine. When I had IVF they weren't even part of the standard ivf tests at my clinic, although they turned out to be an issue for me.

Presumably IVF is just too expensive?

[Ekphrasis]

Clueless are you on thyroxine?

[cluelessnewmum]

Ekphrasis no, spoke to NHS fertility doctor as well as 3 different private doctors who all said my thyroid / TSH levels are not the reason I'm not getting pregnant.

Yet I have read that some doctors do believe it needs to be below 1 to go conceive. Has this worked for you?

[bananafish81]

Have you had the Coventry nk cells test?

[Polly99]

I do sympathise.

I have two children but always planned for a big family. I lost a Fallopian tube between my girls. Since I was 35 I have been pregnant twice, and both miscarried due to trisomies. I am now over 40 and so this is pretty much the end of the road.

Acceptance does not come easily to me. I am someone who will work and work at something until it happens. In the end the only thing that has helped, believe it or not, is IVF. I've had 4 nice looking blastocysts implanted and none took. I've concluded my poor old eggs are just so raddled it ain't going to happen.

I knew the feeling of longing for it to just happen by itself, like it is meant to. One of my miscarriages was that amazing miraculous pregnancy- we had given up and were no longer actively trying! I couldn't believe my luck...

So, if IVF is not out of the question I would recommend you have a couple of tries. A cycle can be diagnostic - if there's a fertilisation problem for example. If you suspect implantation issues, they can prescribe blood thinners, additional progesterone and biopsy the womb lining to identify the best day to implant. And if like me you have raddled old eggs, there is the option of donor eggs (which would not be right for me but which I think I would consider if I was trying for a second child).

The problem with going the IVF route is it opens you up to more hope (it is emotionally costly as well as £££). But there is for me at least a certain peace in knowing I've thrown everything at the problem. I can't say I'm completely ok with it (we have a few embryos still on ice that I am putting off using, mostly because that defers the inevitable when they do not work), but I think I have minimised scope for regrets.

Apologies for the monster post - as you can see I'm still working through this myself! I do hope this works out for you one way or another.

Ps- re the TSH, my clinic said it should be below 2.2. When I went for egg collection there were 4 of us in cubicles (so I could hear everything going on) and every one of us was on 25mcg thyroxine!

[LapinR0se]

I think it's really important that your DP has thorough sperm analysis done so you get the proper full picture of what's going on for you as a couple

[Maggy74653]

Just a random thought that you may have already tried. Someone I know had issues with implantation - feeling pregnant but never quite getting there before period came along (just rang a bell with what you said you were feeling at 9/10 dpo). This happened a few times, started taking baby aspirin and fell the next month xx