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Negativity over IVF

(17 Posts)
ZiggyForever Thu 06-Apr-17 18:23:17

Hi everyone - I have premature ovarian failure and we're currently looking at IVF options/donor eggs etc.

I can't help feeling that no matter what we do, it won't work. My gut instinct is that we'll spend all our savings and come out with nothing the other side. And then I'm worried that this will be a self-fulfilling prophecy - my negativity will stop me becoming pregnant. Mind over matter etc.

Has anyone else felt like this and gone on to have a successful pregnancy?

broodynmoody Thu 06-Apr-17 22:50:37

Hiya,I have no experience as of yet but I do feel the same, no matter what I do it won't work. IVF is shot in the dark, it probably won't work but u never know, you maybe one of the lucky ones.

user1490948702 Thu 06-Apr-17 23:41:50

I haven't been through the same but I had iuis to have my son years ago (my problem was endometriosis) and after the first failed, I was convinced the second one would and that I had to go through the three iuis which the NHS allotted me to get to ivf with its better chances of success. I was completely negative about it all, without meaning to I even forgot to take my folic acid as I was so convinced it was a waste of time and scheduled a big work event on the day I needed to rest. Needles to say it worked (3 positive thinking cycles more recently haven't!) so I know for a fact that my negative attitude had no impact.

I'm now considering ivf and wondering about the likely success versus spending savings too. I don't know what's the right thing to do but I do feel that negative or positive thinking isn't significant (apologies to Zita West!) so don't let it make you feel guilty in any way. Good luck whatever you doflowers

zzzzz Thu 06-Apr-17 23:46:29

After years of pointless joyless no-effect-whatsoever fertility treatment we did our first cycle of IVF. At transfer I knew I couldn't do it again if it didn't work. It did.

Go as far as seems right for you. There are no right moments to stop.

Glitteryunicorn Thu 06-Apr-17 23:52:51

I felt like this going into our only NHS IVF cycle I spent more time looking into adoption than what IVF would involve.

We had an incredibly stressful cycle I end up coasting and then with OHSS but we also got our little miracle daughter!

We collected 20 eggs, 16 fertiliser and our daughter was the only viable blastocyst.

You can do this lovely, read zita West, take all the vitamins and try to relax, stress doesn't help anything x

Snowdog37 Fri 07-Apr-17 03:07:09

This time last year I felt the same as you. Completely hopeless after a confirmation that my ovaries had packed up and retired. I spent some time in mourning as it really felt I'd lost someone: myself as a mother. Then I started exploring other options. It was suggested by my fertility Dr to do donor egg ivf as my only issue is Premature Ovarian Failure and he then handed me a packet of info about it and told me I'd be highly likely to be successful. I got excited until I saw how expensive it is here in the USA. $25,000 plus!!!!!!! After another period of mourning I discovered clinics in the Czech Republic that do donor ivf for a fraction of the cost. In a nutshell we are going in June to have two blastocysts put back, that are my husband's sperm fertilizing a 22-28 year old donors eggs. I've been given a 60% success rate. Amazing.
I highly recommend looking at clinics abroad. There's a wide choice and they all seem to be very successful and very reasonably priced.
Good luck to you, and big hugs.

Isthismummy Fri 07-Apr-17 07:28:06

I've also recently been diagnosed with POF too op, so your post really resonated with me.

I look at my body and think there's probably no way it can carry a child. Then I think about the small inheritance I've got coming soon and get furious about fact it's now going to go on DE treatment and not a house deposit. Then again, what's the point of the house with no baby to put in it?sad

I personally believe that these feelings are 100% natural in our situation. After all, you've been given news that shakes your whole identity as a woman. It's no surprise that the next step is thinking you're doomed to never have any of the motherly joys "normal" women experience.

I just keep trying to remind myself that these thoughts aren't rational and that my lack of psychic powers actually means I don't know what the future holds.

Don't beat yourself up about thinking positive either. My personal suspicion is that it makes little difference. I have good and bad days and on the bad days I try and be kind to myself. This shitty journey throws enough crap our way without us giving ourselves more.

Where are you considering for DE?

ZiggyForever Fri 07-Apr-17 08:53:12

So good to read your messages, ladies, thank you so much for taking the time to post.

We're getting married in October (well, if we can finally manage to sort a venue . . . ) so have decided to wait until the end of the year. We'll more than likely go abroad due to the cost savings - possibly Madrid, as DP's sister lives there.

I just see DP full of hope and optimism and I'm looking at him thinking "stop it, what's actually going to happen is that we'll spend all our money and my body will still totally let us down".

I feel like I'm sabotaging myself by thinking so negatively - but I can't shake the conviction that it's just not going to happen for us. I just don't think, egg issue aside, that my body works properly and knows what to do . . . that sounds ludicrous, but I've had gut feelings about how things would go in the past and I've always been right. I've always known I wouldn't be able to have my own kids, for some reason; the POF diagnosis wasn't a surprise. I knew, deep down.

JoJoSM2 Fri 07-Apr-17 09:37:18

Have you considered counselling? Sounds like you've put on very strong defence mechanisms. It'd be good to tackle to make sure you don't self-sabotage and give yourself the best chance when you go to Madrid.

zzzzz Fri 07-Apr-17 10:30:50

What you think won't effect the outcome. Try if you can bear it, don't if you can't.

Blueroses99 Fri 07-Apr-17 11:10:44

I was convinced my first cycle, only NHS cycle, would work - it didn't. I had no decent embryos to transfer.

I had massive anxiety in the month before my second cycle - I got a BFP (but had a second trimester loss).

I was convinced that my third cycle would be a spectacular failure, there was no way I was going to get a BFP in 2 consecutive attempts, and I had major anxiety and depression - but I got another BFP (currently in second trimester at a critical stage).

So positive mental attitude has NO impact whatsoever on the impact, and if it helps you cope to be cautious/negative/realistic/not get too excited, do it. It's all about self-preservation through these tough times.

Good luck xx

Glitteryunicorn Fri 07-Apr-17 11:15:30

I understand how you feel but I knew there was something wrong and it wouldn't work - it did
Then I knew something was going to go wrong during my pregnancy - it didn't
Then I knew something would go wrong during the birth - it didn't

All I did was work myself up into a anxious mess which resulted in a mental breakdown and now PND. I would definitely look into counselling

Also check out Instagram there's a whole IVF community on there. There are several ladies who have had anxiety over the process and it's so nice to see other's in the same boat. It really helped me when i was struggling.

bananafish81 Fri 07-Apr-17 13:13:11

You can't think yourself into failure

My consultant says to me stress doesn't cause infertility, infertility causes stress

We've been positive and negative and it makes no difference to the outcome. We've had BFPs and miscarriages and done cycles and operations and months and months of treatment and injections and pills and biopsies and not got anywhere, but our mental mindset had no effect on the outcome.

We're at the end of the road and we have to now be able to say out loud to people 'we can't have children'. Because we can't. But being negative or positive has nothing to do with it.

Most people get there. We didn't and won't - but doesn't mean you won't.

I can recommend counselling to help you through your treatment. Wishing you all the very best of luck with your treatment

Luxnuova Sat 08-Apr-17 10:37:30

Just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. We have given ourselves one more month of TTC naturally, then we're starting IVF. I just feel so convinced that it's not going to happen - that we're going to be at the end, tens of thousands of dollars poorer, and with no baby. But, I also know that this is in part a defence mechanism.

I don't think we can trust our instincts at this point, because anyone who's been through a long period of infertility has second-guessed themselves so many times, and has been in so many different emotional/mental states - hopeful, despairing, fatalistic, resigned, etc. It's okay to just feel however you feel, I think. Try not to cause yourself any additional suffering by beating yourself up about it. You're doing the very very best you can.

Blondeshavemorefun Sun 09-Apr-17 08:07:15

I honestly think mind over matter doesn't make a diff

Ivf is like Russian roulette. It either sticks and works or doesn't

We had 4 failed attempts and each one like a knife to our heart - plus the finanical cost as all private

The 5th - a fet from 3rd fresh cycle however did work

My daughter is 12days old and all the pain heartache and debts and loans of £27k was all worth it

But I got a happy ending. But it took time and money

I know two others who ivf worked first time

There is no Rhymne or reason 💐

Amummyatlast Mon 10-Apr-17 19:22:51

The only reason I did our second round of IVF/ICSI was because my DH wanted to continue (at the time our PCT offered 3 rounds). I was certain it wouldn't work. I'm glad I listened to DH - he's currently putting DD to bed.

Cutesbabasmummy Mon 10-Apr-17 20:28:44

We used donor eggs at IVI Alicante. First cycle with a day 3 emblem failed. The result of the second cycle with a day 5 emblem is asleep in his cot right now. He's 26 months and has brought so much joy to our whole family. Be positive. It can work!

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