Am I being nutty?

(7 Posts)
MrsDarcy4092 Sat 18-Mar-17 12:41:23

I'm really angry at my mum due to her total non interest in ivf. She's not asked anything about our infertility since I told her almost 2 years ago and my anger is more now as she incessantly talks about My sisters pregnancy as though I should give a shit. Without ever thinking "maybe I should ask how she is" .
When I talk to her now as soon as she droans on about this unborn baby I give monosyllabic responses and eventually say ok I have to go, goodbye and then go really quick.
I actually feel like there is no bond between us as I'm so angry with her and there's this huge important thing in my life which were not even glossing over let alone talk about.
When we do see each other I am fine and can talk but you know, it's all very superficial.
People have said "she prob really wants to ask but doesn't know how" or "she's prob scared to upset you" I think these people are too kind and don't believe it for a second, I genuinely just think she does not give a shit. She has 4 grandchildren and one on the way, it doesn't affect her. And I'm so angry about it all that now I don't want her to know anything so if she ever did ask me anything I don't feel she deserves to know any details.
I don't want to have it out with her coz I no she will then say things like "isn't it sad that your so jealous of your sister" and just miss the point entirely. And I don't want her to start asking how I am just because I've made a big thing of it. So my technique of preference is just carry on being angry forever. Which I no is not a great solution.
If I have therapy over it they will make me talk to her and I don't want to. Although I had a previous therapist who was trying to delve into my relationship with my mother and so knows a lot so maybe would just help me to deal with how I feel. I don't know.
Any wise ideas?

Previously I had another sister to talk to who was great but then once I had an appointment to start ivf and we were told we couldn't due to DH sample not being good enough and when I told her the first thing she said was "I didn't know anything about your appointment" so clearly being in the know is more important to her. Plus, she also keeps blindly banging on about Our other sisters pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind taking about it, obviously it's a lovely thing and I don't expect people not to mention it but I would expect some sensitivity - am I expecting too much? Like do I really need to know what outfits my mum is knitting for it and that my sister has bought new maternity bras and my dad thinks it's a big baby. Do I really need to know all that shit?

It's day one of my cycle today so possible a tad hormonal. Am I just being completely nutty or can anyone validate my feelings?

Scottishgirl85 Sat 18-Mar-17 21:49:02

I genuinely think people who haven't experienced infertility simply have no idea of the pain and suffering involved. In most cases I don't believe there is malicious intent, just plain ignorance. Just unfortunately something else we need to put up with in all this shitiness. My parents and sister show genuine interest, but I know they have no clue about the mental health side of it, the obsession and the constant presence of infertility in everything I do with each waking moment. My in laws are lovely but I think they don't quite believe we need ivf and they never ask about it despite us telling them. sister in law expecting a baby any day now and mother in law thought it was hilarious to tell us about the pin the sperm on the egg game at her baby shower (which thankfully we avoided). I know she genuinely didn't realise that could be upsetting, she won't even have thought of our situation whilst telling the story. And hubby and I are too polite to say anything. So on we plod with a big fake smile to the outside world and constant suffering behind closed doors. It's sadly just a part of our being. Hugs to you xxx

Tottyandmarchpane1 Sat 18-Mar-17 21:57:59

I don't want to derail your thread but my sister is going through this (I have 3 children and I am certain she must have felt like you do at various points) and I wondered what is best to ask - do you want to talk about it? Frequently or only when you bring it up? I think it is not that we don't care but it's simply hard to know what to ask or do to help. Would love to know! Thanks.

toffeepuddin Sat 18-Mar-17 22:20:17

OP I could have written this post. I was angry at my parents only last week and I posted it on AIBU thread. Had a massive rant at my mother, they have a grandchild my nephew and hardly show any interest in my ivf journey. My dad is all for my nephew and has hardly ever asked me anything with my infertility.
I side with Scottish on this, people who haven't had infertility don't understand it no matter how much we can talk to them about it. They simply don't have a clue. "It'll happen when it'll happen". I love my nephew but when I see my parents I don't always want to hear every little thing he does, he sat on a potty bla bla when I'm getting my vagina murdered my nurses it's yet another thing we have to put up with. What I try and and tell myself OP is that this maybe is not for them or anyone else,it's for you and your partner. When that baby does eventually come, you won't give a toot who else is excited or bothered cos you and your partner will worship the baby. Who cares about them, fuck them! A babys for you and your partner and that's all that matters smile

MrsDarcy4092 Mon 20-Mar-17 07:45:13

Thanks so much for you replies, I was really hormonal on Saturday and it all just got to me. I totally agree people who have not experienced this have absolutely no idea what it's like, I just find that even more surprisingly then that you wouldn't ask how someone is, ah well.

Totty- I wish people would ask me how things are going and how I'm finding the process. Asking how someone is is too generic but if you ask how the process is going and how they find it that tells them you care and are interested and they can chose how much or how little they tell you. It will always be on there mind so don't ever worry about reminding them of it or upsetting them - they are upset and for me it makes it even more upsetting when it appears people do not care enough to ask.

Isthismummy Mon 20-Mar-17 07:49:17

I feel you op. We had our IVF cycle cancelled yesterday and dm commented to me that plenty of people live without children.

She's lucky she's not living without her thorax after that comment!

Hope2409 Mon 20-Mar-17 22:48:20

I feel your pain mrsdarcy sorry to hear your having a tough time with your mum and sisters.
My mum's not interested in my ivf either and it has created a distance between us, she doesnt ask how i am or how its going and the one time we did discuss it she said its all too clinical for her and it has taken the excitement out of having a grandchild for her as it wont be a suprise!
My dad doesnt ask either i think thats more that he doesnt know what to say!
When we had a failed cycle just before christmas MIL said oh thats a shame are you sure it hasnt worked!

How all these people that make stupid comments and remarks are still standing is beyond me!

Totally agree with scottish people really do have no idea of how horrible infertility is. X

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