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Partner support for fertility treatments

(9 Posts)
SammyL100 Thu 09-Mar-17 13:48:18

I would be interested to know how your partners supported you during infertility treatments? Were they completely on board? Were they reluctant? Did this threaten your relationship?

I was recently diagnosed with low AMH and was wondering whether I should explore any fertility treatments. Problem is I don't know whether hubby wants to board that rollercoaster.

Would love to hear the good bad and ugly.

MotherFeeder Thu 09-Mar-17 14:29:39

DH has always been against IVF because he considers it unnatural. He also has 3 DCs (one shared) and feels that's enough, whereas I would love a sibling for our DC.
However as time has gone on, and more conversations are had between ourselves and doctors I can see he may be open to the idea now.
At the end of the day, he wants me to be happy and will do what he can to help.

ZilphasHatpin Thu 09-Mar-17 14:35:05

If your partner isn't onboard then you really shouldn't be doing it!!

bananafish81 Thu 09-Mar-17 16:50:43

Fertility treatment - and indeed the whole experience of TTC - is something you do together (setting aside anyone who's single and going through this without a partner). It takes two people to make a baby, and this is as true when it comes to assisted conception as it is with having some sex.

Fertility treatment isn't something I do - it's something we do together. Yes, it's me that's physically turning myself into a human chemistry set and being prodded and poked, but we're experiencing this as a couple. DH doesn't come to all my appointments (we've been doing fertility treatment since August 2015, and I'm in for scans at least once or twice a month, sometimes every other day when I've been doing a fresh cycle) but he's there for most of them, and certainly the big consultations. He might not be on infertility forums like I am, but I know he spends a lot of time on Google, and asks the Dr lots of questions in our consults. He mixes my drugs and I inject.

We make decision together. We're facing the end of the road as it's unlikely my body is going to be able to sustain a pregnancy, and we have to decide when to call it a day with my body, and consider moving on to surrogacy. We have a LOT of heart to heart conversations about what we're going through, and whenever we get bad news (whether that's a disappointing blood test result or scan, or the bigger stuff like our miscarriages) he is heartbroken.

It is the hardest thing we have ever done, and it really really does take a toll. It puts tremendous strain on your relationship. And we haven't always been aligned. We had fundamental disagreements about certain things - it's taken a lot of negotiation and understanding to get through these. But for us, we've remarked that the adage of 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' has been very true. We feel more of a team than ever, and wherever we end up, we're walking this path together.

PotteringAlong Thu 09-Mar-17 16:52:12

Have you asked him?

bananafish81 Thu 09-Mar-17 16:53:33

I cannot stress enough how important it is to keep talking

You say you have been diagnosed with low AMH. What does your husband think about this? What have you discussed so far about the diagnosis (if not yet about what path you take in response to this)?

SammyL100 Thu 09-Mar-17 17:34:12

I think my DH hopes we will fall pregnant naturally (we did once before but mc). He hates the idea of using fertility drugs (didn't even like me on the pill) hates the idea of worrying about test results, hates the idea of spending thousands (who doesn't?!) But ultimately says its upto me. I however know a reluctant partner is certainly not ideal.

I was told I had undetectable AMH and was devastated. Googled like crazy, researched etc and was pre occupied for days with possibilities and anxious as hell. He said he felt like he was losing me.

Having read so many stories here, it seems like partners are willing to go to the ends of the Earth (quite literally in some cases) on their fertility journeys. I don't know what we will do (or if there is anything we can do given how pessimistic our consultant was) but don't want it drawing us apart.

meadowlark3 Thu 09-Mar-17 21:50:41

My DH has been very supportive. He was nervous about starting to TTC but we have talked always about how much we would like children. When we were referred for infertility treatment, I was surprised at how enthusiastic and optimistic he was about us doing almost worried me as I had more reservations about it than he did. For me, as the more reluctant partner, I am finding that more time has helped the idea settle in a bit and also accept the realisation that, if we don't try IVF, we will not have much of a go at a baby of our own, which is something I believe I would always regret.
I agree with others above that it is an ongoing process and something that can change and be up and down for both partners throughout the process. I hope that you and your DH can find a good space to continue to communicate about it. Are you able to talk to him about it?

Chattycat78 Fri 10-Mar-17 11:56:38

Sorry to hijack, but Sammy I read your story on another thread. TBH I think your consultant has written you off too soon. You can get pregnant with low amh- you already did! Low amh only tells you that you have few eggs and not if they are any good or not, which is what counts with pregnancy.

Ivf also isn't impossible- it just means you won't respond very well to the drugs.

However yes, as others have said, it's vital that whatever you do, you're in it together. When we did ivf I got DH to do the injections for me! He was there at the scans, tests etc etc. You need to both be equally commited.

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