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Do you talk to your friends about fertility struggles?

(15 Posts)
Avocadosmoothie Thu 16-Feb-17 20:43:08

Hi, none of my close friends know my husband and I are struggling to conceive a baby. Do your friends know about your infertility issues? When did you tell them? Did you find it helps?

glasshalfsomething Thu 16-Feb-17 21:20:02

Hi again Avocado! Just replied on one of your other threads.

I'd say yes, let them know - if they're good friends they'll be an invaluable support. It feels like a weight off your shoulders when you don't have to pretend everything is ok all the time.

Pearlmum1 Thu 16-Feb-17 21:33:58

Yes and most people in my work place know (been there for 5 years) I find its easier to not bottle things up. I don't talk about it lots and it makes it a bit more 'normal' and not a sad secret? It stops the questions you dread like 'ooh when are you going to have a baby'.

SammyL100 Thu 16-Feb-17 21:42:50

Interesting question. I was having this very thought as I have wanted to tell work friends but was scared I'd be that woman with fertility issues at work (the way someone who had IVF was referred to at my workplace).

I told 2 friends. One was brilliant, and followed up by constant support, chats and coffees when I requested. The other was initially great when I told her but subsequently tried to avoid me not knowing what to say.

I mentioned it to two other acquaintances who both had IVF. They started to give me advice which was both a blessing and a curse as their advice was so specific to their situation not mine.

I have had glib comments from people I have had to tell, doctors I have seen twice telling me to adopt, telling me that kids are awful or asking why I left it so late. That casual judgement I was prepared for.

So its a bit of a mixed bag. Overall I am glad some people do know as it is a pressure release.

Avocadosmoothie Thu 16-Feb-17 22:25:49

I think it will be a weight off my shoulders to tell a couple of my friends. It's getting difficult to hide and I don't like lying to them which I've had to do. My reservation is that my husband and I are naturally quite private people and it just doesn't seem right to tell others about what we're going through

fabulous01 Thu 16-Feb-17 22:31:46

I did 6 IVF before having twin girls
I told a very few people. Some told me later they had guessed
But I found that infertility is so common
I lost friends though as some fell pregnant easy and I couldn't cope and some of my fellow infrrtile friends stopped contacting me when I had my miracles
It has its pros and cons for telling and not. It just depends on what you want. A hug? Someone to chat to? To cry with and sometimes to just nod and agree as it is a hard journey
Some will cope really well and be that shoulder and will feel privileged to help
Some will avoid the subject or not really understand and you will feel rightly or wrongly they are insensitive

Good luck with your journey and be kind to yourself. It is a common problem but it is one heck of a hard road

Blueroses99 Fri 17-Feb-17 08:50:05

Choose who you tell carefully and it is much easier going through it knowing that you have support that you can rely on.

DollySpartan Fri 17-Feb-17 09:09:48

Only some people know my DH is infertile and are very supportive of him. His work and our families are aware.

Nobody asks/talks to me and asks how I am feeling about the fact I am unlikely to ever have children. I feel like I am receiving no support at all.

Annab1983 Fri 17-Feb-17 09:15:54

Hi avocado, I don't know if I could have not told my friends and family I have found them invaluable. I have a big age gap between my son and any future other children we may have so they would have/ had guessed anyway.. I find it takes the pressure off being able to mention it now and then and also they will hopefully be more sensitive if they have announcements too.. however you should be prepared that some may feel a little awkward and not know about the process.. they may say somewhat uneducated things but if they are your friends they mean well.. I have a confirmed 0% chance of a natural conception and some people still insist on the whole 'I bet it will happen just before IvF anyway'! But if you choose those closest to you their heart is in the right place.. And you never know they may be having issues too and then feel able to open up also.. good luck! x

Avocadosmoothie Fri 17-Feb-17 10:29:17

Hi Annab, sorry to hear about your issues and thanks for the great advice! I think I am going to speak to a couple of friends next time I see them. There actually is one friend I suspect may be trying too so if that's the case it would be nice to have a friend in the same boat! Are you planning to try IVF?

bananafish81 Fri 17-Feb-17 14:37:35

All my friends know - I'm completely open about it all

I don't feel any benefit to keeping it secret, because basically all I've done in the last 18 months is IVF / miscarriages / surgery, so I've welcomed the support. Trying to keep it hidden would have been very stressful for me, but everyone is different.

jimijack Fri 17-Feb-17 14:45:42

I only spoke to a few friends as I was really worried about becoming a bore and going on too much about it.

Actually the few friends I did tell then opened up about their own struggles and experiences which I found very comforting and helpful.

I managed to deflect the constant comments from everyone about why we weren't pregnant yet, when would we be starting to try...blah blah blah....

Annab1983 Fri 17-Feb-17 15:53:22

Thanks avocado yes I shouldve said I am starting the nasal spray next week! 😬 All my friends and family know what's happening which is a relief for me as I don't have to hide it, I hope you get that much needed support from those who you have chosen to tell x

Monkeypuzzle32 Fri 17-Feb-17 16:07:12

I haven't old anyone except one friend, who has been amazing but I don't see her too often, no one at work knows and I feel I can't say anything to anyone as I don't want to hear any negativity about my age-i couldn't bear it so I keep quiet and think if it ever does happen I'll just say either we had IVF (we are now on to FET-so not so many drugs as IVF) or we just had an amazing, lucky pregnancy!

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy Fri 17-Feb-17 22:08:15

3 of my friends know. I confided in one when she got upset as she was going through the same issue, I told one when it first happened because she's the most sensible person I know and I needed to talk and with friend 3 it slipped out (I had just found out my 5th month of Clomid hadn't worked and she asked if me and DH were planning on kids as we were so great with hers and I just sort of broke down blush)

I think it's great to have some support from friends but important to realise it's hard for people who don't have the experience to truly understand why some things effect you and some things don't. Also, if you do tell people, be prepared for the many 'my friend / neighbour / sister / whoever tried for 5 years then they went on holiday and she got pregnant' and 'just relax / it'll happen / why don't you adopt'

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