Meadow, it is really hard. I found the sense of not being able to do something that so many people do with ease to be very alienating.
It's probably useful to say that our journey for a baby had been going on for four years; I had two late miscarriages in pretty traumatic circumstances in my mid to late thirties, so the inability to get pregnant again made me feel as though I was cursed somehow.
What I found was that it isn't that unusual for women to fall pregnant naturally just before IVF or after a failed cycle. I'm in a support group for my miscarriage-related condition and some of the stories are extraordinary. One woman tried for five years, had no luck and discovered her AMH level was extremely low, only to then fall pregnant three times in a row and end up with three children. Another thought that was it, couldn't get pregnant after three years, then felt a bit strange one morning and discovered she was pregnant at 43.
Fertility and conception is a very strange thing. There are still so many unknowns. I always had a nagging feeling there was something "just not right" and that, when I found out what it was, I could change it and conceive.
By conventional wisdom, I shouldn't have conceived on the cycle I got pregnant. So I've done a lot of thinking about what was different.
- It was just after Xmas and we'd been to ILs who cater as though the entire period is a week long medieval feast. I ate vast amounts of veg, different meats, shellfish and cheese, so I wonder whether I just bombarded myself with an unusual amount of vitamins and minerals.
- I got sick of taking pregnacare conception and switched to Seven Seas. I was also taking krill oil, VitD3 5000 IU every other day, and Vit C, but I wonder whether the change just knocked something.
- After Xmas, I gave up grain products in an attempt to lose a bit of weight. When you give up grains, you tend to replace them with foods with more nutrition, so again, maybe I just upped my nutritional intake.
- I had fallen out with OPKs. I'd been doing the tests religiously for fourteen months. We'd also done the Sperm Meets Egg plan. When I heard about my AMH levels, I threw in the towel a bit. Now I wonder whether the OPKs were throwing my timing off somehow because the cycle I got pregnant, we dtd two days before my normal day of ovulation and two days after with nothing in-between. By all the conventional wisdom, this shouldn't have worked.
- We were having a problem with "conception sex". DH was getting so anxious about the whole thing, it was giving him erectile issues. So we decided to try and overcome this by changing the kinds of things we did. We tried a lot of new positions as an experiment and just got a bit silly in an attempt to break the stress of it all. I wonder if that somehow worked.
- DH and I started talking about what it would mean if we didn't manage to get pregnant again. It wasn't looking likely. We both realised we had to start thinking about what a childless life might look like for us and that we had to start building it. We didn't want to live out our days sat at home, constantly grieving over "what might have been", just letting the days go by.
So the first thing we did was decide to improve our fitness. We both had a bit of weight to lose and have sedentary desk jobs, so we bought a second hand treadmill and were given a free X-trainer. I started to do bits and pieces here and there in the evening or during the day. It is possible that the exercise shook something up.
Again, we decided to invest in a multigym for the back bedroom (potential baby room). When I bought it, at the back of my mind, I thought: "It's sod's law that I will buy this and then miraculously get pregnant so we have nowhere to put it." I got my BFP the day before the multigym arrived.
- As part of this "looking towards the future" plan, we also decided we needed to do the things we'd always fancied doing. We'd been iceskating at Xmas for the first time in a decade, and I'd realised how much I loved it and how happy it made me to ice skate. So I booked us both in to go to a trampoline park. I'd always wanted to go and try it, and it was so much fun. I woke up the next morning feeling great; I hadn't felt so happy in years.
Now I look back and wonder whether those feelings of fun and happiness, that sense of looking to the future and being positive about good things that could happen if we didn't manage to conceive, somehow made something happen by flooding my body with endorphins.
- This one is quite woo. I asked loudly one day in my bedroom for a baby. I was just so cross that day, and I looked up at the ceiling and said in a very stern tone: "I want a baby. I want to get pregnant and go to term and have a baby that is born alive and is healthy and happy. We have never asked for much as a couple, and we deserve this after everything that has happened to us." My next period was the one that turned out to be a BFP. I wonder if that act somehow vocalised something on a psychological level that then changed something else in my body: for example, whether expressing the anger out loud reduced my cortisol levels or something, and that was what was stopping me getting pregnant.
- I also realised I had to leave my job and made a conscious decision to do so. I started applying for new jobs as I felt that if I wasn't going to have a child, then I ought to find something new in life. We needed change. I needed change. I hadn't liked working there for a while, but I'd been hanging on for the maternity leave. Again, this had been a source of an ever present niggle, so when I realised I had to go, the uncertainty disappeared. Maybe, again, that reduced stress and thus changed a little something in my body.
Of course, it all could have just been luck, but part of me doesn't think so. It was almost as though we had to hit rock bottom and try to pick ourselves up again before it would happen for us .
But it did. And you are only 35. Keep the faith.