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IVF this year but father against it

(51 Posts)
sk1pper Sun 08-Jan-17 11:46:10

I never thought it would come to this but if my HSG is clear in two weeks time I'll be starting IVF.

I haven't told my parents that I've been TTC, but naturally the subject of babies and grandchildren has come up a few times as me and my partner have been together for nearly 8 years now.

When I was round theirs for Christmas we were talking about that new research that suggests a baby could be grown from three parents. We were obviously discussing the ethics about this and my Dad went off on a rant about IVF and how if you can't have a baby naturally then you shouldn't go against nature.

I had been planning to tell my parents about the IVF if it came to that but now I feel like my Dad will will be disappointed in me if I go through with it. I'm not saying that I'm having second thoughts, it's my life after all but I just always imagined they'd be there to support me through it.

Do you think I should tell him or keep it secret?

Richteadipped2 Sun 08-Jan-17 11:47:34

Dont tell him. You dont need his approval and he can reconsider his dickish attitude at his leisure when his grandchild is here.

PotteringAlong Sun 08-Jan-17 11:47:38

I think that's entirely your own choice.

NataliaOsipova Sun 08-Jan-17 11:52:02

my Dad went off on a rant about IVF and how if you can't have a baby naturally then you shouldn't go against nature.

It's a point of view. And one he's entitled to. So if he doesn't want to have a child via IVF, then that's entirely up to him. He doesn't/didn't have to. But why should that have any impact on your decision? You are an adult and are entitled to your own views and courses of action. In your shoes, I probably wouldn't tell him as he's already expressed a negative opinion. Not as any sort of secret, but I just couldn't be bothered with the argument, if you see what I mean.

Ilovecaindingle Sun 08-Jan-17 11:52:03

Dealing with such an attitude will just add undue stress to ttc.
It's none of his business anyway.
It's your personal life and you don't need his approval for that.

MrsChrisPratt Sun 08-Jan-17 11:53:27

Wow, what a dickhead. That is all.

MrsJayy Sun 08-Jan-17 11:53:59

Oh Iam sorry he said that its a really ignorant hurtful thing to say, it really is up to you trying for a baby is personal imo however the baby is conceived so you don't have to tell anybody anything if you don't want too. It is easy for people to be so insensitive when they have had no fertility problems

Evergreen777 Sun 08-Jan-17 11:56:50

Could you talk to your mum about it, and leave her to decide whether or how to tell you dad?

sk1pper Sun 08-Jan-17 12:15:18

Ever - my mum's phoning me tonight because I'm suffering with rupturing cysts on my ovaries at the moment. Biologically were very similar and she wants to talk about the issues she had at my age to see if any of it can help me.

It seems like a good time to let the cat out of the bag so maybe I'll ask her what she thinks about telling Dad.

sk1pper Sun 08-Jan-17 12:16:19

Ever - my mum's phoning me tonight because I'm suffering with rupturing cysts on my ovaries at the moment. Biologically were very similar and she wants to talk about the issues she had at my age to see if any of it can help me.

It seems like a good time to let the cat out of the bag so maybe I'll ask her what she thinks about telling Dad.

PotteringAlong Sun 08-Jan-17 13:49:04

Wow, what a dickhead. That is all

He's not a dickhead. He has an opinion about an ethical issue that he expressed, not knowing it directly affected his daughter. How does that make him a dickhead?

MrsChrisPratt Sun 08-Jan-17 13:57:06

I don't think it's an acceptable view to have. In the same way I don't think it's acceptable to hold the view that homosexuals/people with disabilities etc shouldn't be allowed to have DC. Is that also a 'moral issue'? hmm

Someone holding those types of view is also, in my opinion, a dickhead. Its very easy to take that sort of opinion when it doesn't affect you, but quite frankly it is absolutely none of his business and anyone who expressed this sort of view in my hearing would get very short shrift from me.

icy121 Sun 08-Jan-17 14:05:21

I have heard people spouting similar shit. Every one of them had no problem having their own children. Empathy bypasses all round, really. Being barren made me see how so many people are entirely self centred and don't give a fuck about stuff that doesn't affect them 😡

sk1pper Sun 08-Jan-17 15:00:10

My father is very opinionated. For example, he doesn't think same sex couples should be allowed to adopt children despite my sister and I arguing that a lot of these children may never see a loving home if it weren't for them. My sister and father have clashed many, many times about ethical arguements. I can accept his right to an opinion and my sister can't. It's just trickier now that one of those "issues" affects me personally.

I think in my heart I know that when he holds his grandchild, he will abandon his beliefs. So probably best to only tell my mother until that day.

TammySwanson Sun 08-Jan-17 15:19:54

Good luck with it all sk1pper - I think it is wise to keep it from him because although you are right that he may well change his mind if it ends up giving him a grandchild you also need to consider the possibility that it won't work and his reaction, knowing you tried IVF and it didn't work, may make you feel even worse about it.

Blue2014 Sun 08-Jan-17 15:35:07

My mum is 'against' bisexuality - until I asked what she would do if I was bisexual. The answer "well I love you, so it would be fine". He may well be more accepting if you talk with him

(Saying this I didn't tell my parents about my IVF - but only because I didn't want to get their hopes up - kinda wish I had now, it worked and I've had to tell all health professionals not to mention IVF in front of parents which is a hassle)

wobblywonderwoman Sun 08-Jan-17 15:38:45

I wonder would telling your mother and not your father be fair?

Would it sit well with you not to tell either of them?

Best of luck in your journey flowers

PurpleDaisies Sun 08-Jan-17 15:41:24

I wonder would telling your mother and not your father be fair?

It puts the mother in a very awkward position of having to lie to the op's dad. I wouldn't tell her for this reason rather than the dad having a right to know.

NataliaOsipova Sun 08-Jan-17 16:58:37

I don't think it's an acceptable view to have. In the same way I don't think it's acceptable to hold the view that homosexuals/people with disabilities etc shouldn't be allowed to have DC

You see, I object to this. And not because I disagree with the substance of what you're saying - I wholly agree and also don't think homosexuals or disabled people shouldn't be allowed to have children. But I don't think there are "acceptable" and "not acceptable views". I think people are entitled to their own opinions - and within their rights (so long as they aren't inciting violence/racial hatred etc etc) to express them. In turn, you are free to agree or disagree with them. Free speech is paramount and nobody has a right not to be offended.

TammySwanson Sun 08-Jan-17 17:04:30

Well, the OP here was clearly upset by what her father said and asking for advice so if you want to debate her father's right to free speech and her (apparent) lack of right to be upset by it then I would suggest this isn't really the place or forum for it.

TammySwanson Sun 08-Jan-17 17:04:58

Sorry, not forum, thread. I'm sure you can debate free speech elsewhere on this forum.

MrsChrisPratt Sun 08-Jan-17 17:05:31

Yes, he's free to express it, and I'm free to call him a dickhead/say thay I don't find that view acceptable.

Surely by you saying it's not acceptable for me to say it's not acceptable you are doing exactly the second thing I have? grin

NaBiAgChaitheamhSmidiuTrom Sun 08-Jan-17 17:07:03

DOn't tell him.

You don't need his approval and his approval or disapproval shouldn't have any impact upon your decisions. It's your life. You need to make the decisions you can live with.

girlelephant Sun 08-Jan-17 17:08:25

If you feel him knowing will cause additional stress then don't tell him. You want your mental and physical health to be as good as possible.

Best of luck with IVF

NataliaOsipova Sun 08-Jan-17 17:12:31

Surely by you saying it's not acceptable for me to say it's not acceptable you are doing exactly the second thing I have?

I'm not saying what you said was unacceptable - I'm saying I fundamentally disagree with your framework for assessing the opinions of others.

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