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Supporting friend after MC, while pregnant

(7 Posts)
adlertippa Fri 30-Dec-16 17:46:27

Hello all, hope it's ok to post here. A friend at work has recently had a MC, her fourth. She's absolutely devastated and my instinct is to check in with her regularly, ask how she is (she is off work so online mostly).

This is complicated by the fact that I'm currently pregnant, with no history of difficulty conceiving. I had worried a lot about telling her my news but it turned out that she was also pregnant , so we had a lovely week of both being excited (although she also had the dread/stress of her history weighing on her which we talked a lot about).

Mostly I've come to ask, is there any way of supporting her that isn't going to make things more painful for her? We had a good chat when she first told me what had happened, but going forward I feel like it will be torment for her. Im not her closest friend, so it wouldn't leave a hole in her life if I gave her space. I suppose my instinct to be there and my realisation that this probably isn't what she needs are battling.

If anyone has advice I would be very grateful, thank you.

Whereland Fri 30-Dec-16 19:03:19

I would continue to offer support as you have been but don't talk about your own pregnancy unless she asks, and even at that keep your answers short and un-detailed as chances are she's asking out of politeness while it slowly kills her inside.

OhTheRoses Fri 30-Dec-16 19:07:36

Just be normal around her. And back off inquiring too closely. I had at least six miscarriages and after losing baby two at 17 weeks nobody ever knew. Nobody but dh and my Dr knew about baby one. Didn't announce any pg after baby two before 18 weeks.

adlertippa Sat 31-Dec-16 11:55:30

Thank you both for your replies, will be going forwards thoughtfully xx

SammyL100 Sun 01-Jan-17 22:37:55

I was in the opposite situation, where my friend is pregnant with her first and I had a missed mc at 12 weeks with my first pregnancy.

Her reaction was great when I did talk to her, she was sympathetic and sensitive enough to not coo or go on about her own pg which I admit would have been difficult for me (eventhough it would have been understandable had she). She seemed genuinely interested in my wellbeing and I appreciated her time and her concern.

Hyland Mon 02-Jan-17 13:04:35

My sister had her 2nd mc just before christmas. I am currently 35 weeks. She doesn't live close by and i didn't want to avoid her.. So often started conversations with her via text about a programme we both watch or her horses. I would never mention my pregnancy and if she asked how I was, i would always make it more to do with work or house imprivements/other stuff we had going on. So unless she said no i mean hows the baby/pregnancy.

I think i was quite lucky that she knew we had our own 4 and half year struggle to fall pregnant before a years worth of ivf treatment.

She often tells me all the stupid things people say to her and how crazy trying for a baby makes her feel.

However I know for her it must still seem incredibly unfair as she is a good 10 years younger than me.

I often tell her that i could never understand her heartbreak over her lost babies but totally sympathise with her feelings of going crazy month after month when ttc.

MrsDarcy4092 Fri 20-Jan-17 18:26:04

Definitely carry on being supportive. The hardest thing for me has been people avoiding the conversation with me, it makes me so hurt ang feeel like no one cares. To the point that now if they asked (which they don't) I wouldn't want to tell them anything.
And I totally agree try to not talk about your own preg. My sister I'd preg and it's alll her and my family talk about even though they know our problems with 3 years of infertility they go on and on and on about names, wishing it's a girl, buying maternity clothes and have not once asked how things are going for us. Hadn't realised how angry I am about it until I replied on here - apologies!

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