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How can I do this ? Struggling :(

(21 Posts)
waitingimpatient Thu 08-Dec-16 16:04:38

I'm really really struggling. With life in general but infertility has played a big part in ruining everything.
Dsis is expecting. It's killing me. The announcement (face to face) knocked me and there was fallout as I lost it and said it was insensitive and I'd have preferred an email etc.

All sorted now but I'm struggling. I want to be supportive but I feel like I'm being emotionally stabbed all the time. If she talks excitedly about the baby I end up leaving g the room every so often to go to the bathroom (I hide and sob).
She's having a baby shower. I want to go but I'm going to find it so hard. I want to be a good sister but I'm really fighting all the time against depression and heartbreak and upset and it's only getting worse.

It's draining me to even see her. It's not jealousy it's just this overwhelming sadness it's not me as well. I'm so sad. I feel bad as she asked me to feel the baby kick and without thinking recoiled in horror and I didn't mean it like that at all sad
Feel like a shit person and I want to be a good aunty but I feel like my hearts breaking.

Need some tips on coping with this

ncayley115 Thu 08-Dec-16 18:21:30

My sister in law came over with my brother in law just as I was starting my drugs for ivf round one. We've got something to show you, they said. Yes it was a bloody scan photo. I was jealous as hell and really sad. And I was honest. Luckily 5 months later we were expecting too but I couldn't see them before that. It was awful as I felt I was turning into this bitter horrible person that wasn't really me. Just to reassure you your reaction is normal xx

Blueroses99 Thu 08-Dec-16 18:57:12

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Does your sister have any idea of what you're going through? It doesn't sound like she's being very understanding, even if she does. Self-preservation is important. Don't feel you have to go to the baby shower. Can you have to go away urgently that weekend, or feign illness? Your sister will have other people supporting her, and you can too, but only once you're ready.

waitingimpatient Thu 08-Dec-16 19:23:45

She knows but I don't think she understands how much it has affected me I also get the impression that my family think IVF is some guaranteed thing and don't actually realise it may never work hence why I feel like i do

They think I overreact

Blueroses99 Thu 08-Dec-16 19:33:15

You are not overreacting at all. I found this useful to share with friends, a lot of people just don't understand www.resolve.org/support/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Blueroses99 Thu 08-Dec-16 19:40:10

Or this one. It's a US site but I got a lot of comfort from reading these late at night when I felt upset so I didn't feel quite so alone. familybuilding.resolve.org/site/DocServer/06_Family_and_Friends.pdf?docID=5702

waitingimpatient Thu 08-Dec-16 19:53:14

Thanks I'll take a look.
So hard when people don't understand despite my explaining. When I had ET last time DM declared "oh so you're pregnant now?!" She doesn't get it. Dsis I think understandably is in her bubble and I'm happy for her but it's draining and upsetting and then I feel guilty for things like my reaction to the invitation to feel baby kick sad

Blueroses99 Thu 08-Dec-16 19:55:25

Well feel free to vent on here!

Mungobungo Thu 08-Dec-16 20:15:10

A few chases ago my DSis announced her pregnancy to everyone, complete with scan pic. Fortunately she had already told me so I'd had time to digest, but seeing everyone's reactions was like an arrow to the heart and I had to leave the room and by the time I got into the hallway I was crying. It's so painful and most of the time you can hide it, but at times it pokes its painful way through.

We're still several years down the line with no child of our own and I've learned to avoid situations which I find painful, such as baby showers and I'm gently honest about the reasons why, if asked. I've found that most of my shower invites are via Facebook groups lately, which gives me the choice just to ignore.

It's very difficult because I can see both sides - your dsis wants you to acknowledge her joy and Ben excited for her, but you can't because it's so painful. It's not as simple as jealousy, it's far more complex. Do you feel able to sit down your dsis and explain how you feel? That you're happy for her, but you distance yourself a little because you're finding it hard. It'd be hard to word it in a way which she will understand and not be offended, but I think it's important for you all to be able to at least try to explain, so that she doesn't inadvertently hurt you and vice versa.

LadyHarvey Thu 08-Dec-16 20:36:57

Please try not to feel guilty for experiencing very natural emotions. Holding scan photos, feeling pregnant tummies and the BS that is baby showers are all extremely painful things. What you're feeling is normal so try your best to be kind to yourself. It never ceased to amaze me how insensitive people can be. Sometimes even your nearest and dearest.

I know it's not great weather for it, but getting outside for a walk and doing things to inspire your senses was always a welcome relief for me. One regret I have was that I put my life on hold for three years in terms of holidays and socialising. I realise now it was of no benefit opting out. Maybe consider some counselling for infertility through your gp. Both my husband and I went and found it helpful. Hoping for a happy outcome for you.

knorrig Thu 08-Dec-16 20:53:44

I feel for you...my sis told me she was pregnant a couple of months after my 2nd miscarriage and it was very difficult to hear - made worse by my mother being very odd about it at not acknowledging it to me for several months.
I'm very lucky to be 11 weeks pregnant now myself which has helped but I totally understand the pain - like a pp said, it's not even jealousy but sadness for your own situation.
I was so nervous before her scan, both outcomes felt difficult for me - I would have hated for her to experience an mc knowing how awful it is but at the same time was dreading having to see a scan picture!

Good luck to you on your journey.

PurpleDaisies Thu 08-Dec-16 20:57:11

My sisters have two children each, both conceived accidentally. It's just not fair.

You sister has earned herself an insensitive twit badge from me for making you feel the baby kick. I'd be ill for the baby shower if I were you.

I find if much easier once the babies are born. I love my nieces and nephews and the feelings of envy aren't anything like what they were when my sisters were pregnant.

Mungobungo Thu 08-Dec-16 22:28:22

I find if much easier once the babies are born. I love my nieces and nephews and the feelings of envy aren't anything like what they were when my sisters were pregnant.

THIS ^^ is so true!

My dsis gave birth to her first a week after my MC of our IVF pregnancy. I visited her in hospital, then cried my eyes out all the way home. I never thought I'd be able to live that baby, but I bloody well adore him, alongside my other nieces and nephews. It seems different once they're born for some reason.

(Ps my previous post was meant to say a few xmases ago, not a few chases...)

Totally agree with PP who said they regretted putting their life on hold - we did this for years, putting off trips away, holidays and all sorts because of 'just in case I'm pregnant' or 'just in case we have a newborn by then'. Looking back in cross with myself for doing it because we've missed out in so much. Life does feel less hard work now that we're doing the lovely things that we should've done years ago. I never give up hope, but I've adjusted around it so that it's less of a brain drain. Hopefully you'll be able to make peace with things a bit too, but it does take time. And also sometimes it takes a air of massive lady balls and the courage to say 'I'm struggling to conceive and I don't want your crappy platitudes, just be quiet and respect that I need time away from you right now'.

Blueroses99 Sat 10-Dec-16 10:32:45

I feel terrible but I don't find it easier after babies are actually born blush

It could be that it's my experience of stillbirth rather than infertility that makes me feel that way. Since my son died I can't be around really little ones (toddlers + I can handle a bit better).

I also don't have any nephews or nieces so I don't meet any babies that I have any emotional connection with. If I did it mighI help me get over it?

Re putting things on hold, I did that for years. Then I met someone that said just do whatever you want to, and if you have to cancel things because you are pregnant, you really won't mind! It's so true! I'm still not great at planning things but there is a change in mindset.

Beedoo123 Sat 10-Dec-16 11:26:41

I hid and cried my eyes out in the toilet at my nieces birthday party when my sil told us she was expecting again... everyone cheered and I ran away to cry... every pregnancy announcement almost felt like a physical blow... I'm blessed with 2 beautiful children now and I still get a little pang when I hear a pregnancy announced!!
Be kind to yourself, your reactions are completely normal... I also found the bumps hard to deal with but had no problem with the babies...
flowers for you... it's so hard xxx

lucylou1234 Sat 10-Dec-16 19:53:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Longleggedlovely Sun 11-Dec-16 17:35:25

I'm in the same boat with one DSis having two gorgeous children and my other DSis expecting in January. We've been trying for over 5 years now with nothing to show except failed treatment cycles. I've cried my heart out at the family pregnancy announcements as they definitely hit the hardest but I wouldn't swap my niece and nephew for the world and just concentrate on doing all the spoiling and being the best auntie I can be. It's bloody hard though.

Re putting your life on hold, we've had a very recent change of mindset with lots of holidays and nice things being planned (but not booked until the last minute - just in case!). We need the nice things to get over the crap things. 2016 has been a crap year for us re our treatment but there have been good things (a new nephew for one) and every year's eve my DH says to me at midnight, this is our year and one year he'll be right. Maybe 2017 is our year!

I'm also sitting writing this in the sunshine with a drink in my hand on a late booked holiday to get away from the Christmas madness!

Blondeshavemorefun Sun 11-Dec-16 23:37:54

Your feelings are normal. I don't have a sister but over the past 10yrs while ttc , and ESP the last 3/4yrs while doing private ivf - everytime a friend told me they were preg it was a blow to my heart

It's not that we are not happy for them but envy is a hard thing

ESP when others get preg without trying ,on pill and sick , a mercy shag since no 1 born to name 2 friends

How long have you been ttc?

Does your sister know about your failed fet?

Sorry to hear your fet failed. It's so bloody hard

I've had 4 failed private ivf but so lucky the 5th hit the jackpot via a fet and I'm 24w peg

Noora Sun 25-Dec-16 20:47:55

Idk why but your post made me cry. These feelings are so familiar to me. I think they are close to many girls here. These thought don't make you a bad person. We struggle because of our infertility and some people just don't get it because they don't have it. There are so many words I wanna say to my family/friends but I can't and I won't. Some people won't understand. Some of them may be offended so it will be better if I will keep silence and sob quietly in bathroom. Though we will keep these words to ourselves but we still can share them here.

Starsandcars9 Sun 25-Dec-16 21:02:42

It's so very natural to feel like this and you just have to ride it out and keep trying.
You have to keep telling yourself it isn't a zero sum game though - your sis expecting doesn't impact your fertility or infertility. Other people somewhere in the world are expecting babies too - wouldn't you rather your sis had this joy than sone random stranger. I'm sure you love her so try to just be pleased she's got what she wanted and hasn't had to suffer like you.
Easy said than done tho! Just try and detach yourself whenever baby is talked about - think of it as an objective thing completely unrelated to your heartache.
I suffered a miscarriage at the same time as my two closest friends who I see the whole time due to our older children gave birth to two beautiful newborn babies - it was a very hard time and I had two further miscarriages after that but I got my baby eventually. It's so so hard but try and stay positive until you have exhausted all your options or decided to stop treatment.
You def need to tell your family (and friends) more about your infertility struggles tho - people just don't get it until you tell them. Tell them walking to the shops is heartbreaking because of all the prams you have to walk past. Tell them you boil with rage at seeing mums shout their kids in the street and you think they don't know how lucky they are, tell them how it takes over your life - people just can't understand until they've been through it so you have to help them to get the right support back.
Hope 2017 is your year flowers

broodypsycho Sun 25-Dec-16 23:21:29

Hi waitingimpatient your definitely not alone and shouldn't feel bad or guilty of the way you feel. Infertility has changed me so much, I'm a horrible bitter resentful b*tch. I can't be happy for anyone who announces their pregnant, I do my very best to hide it. I sat today at Xmas with my nephew and it's hard though I love him. I was gutted when she announced she's pregnant and will be again when she announces again (I reckon any time soonhmm).
I have no tips I can give you how to cope as I would be a hypocrite cos I know as soon as my brothers 19 year old girlfriend announces she's pregnant with another grandchild for my parents, I'd seriously worry on how I'm going to react or better still when I'm at home alone with my thoughts what I'll do.
Take care OP your not alone

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