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My sister had failed IVF

(5 Posts)
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba Wed 02-Nov-16 14:57:33

She's just rung me and told me that the blood test showed basically no hcg hormones (day 13 from implantation) so that's considered a failed attempt.
She's distraught, undersandably.

I tried to comfort her the best I could but I just don't know what to say or do. (I live in England, she in Hungary so not like I can be there physically).

I have no personal experience in infertility and would like to know how best I could support her, ie what I should never say or do, what's useful & helpful.
I'm so sorry for anyone who is also struggling and experienced this particular hell & and I really hope I'm not offending anyone, in any wsy.
But I need help to be able to give her great support so I thought people who have experience might be able to advise me.
(If anyone thinks this is inappropriate please let me know and I'll ask this thread to be delete. I really don't know if my question is ok or not! )

thewideeyedpea Wed 02-Nov-16 15:00:48

I have no experience either and no useful advice but you sound like a lovely, caring sister and I'm sure you just being there for her is a massive comfort.

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 02-Nov-16 15:17:21

I'm sure other people will be along with good advice, but I agree with pea, I'm sure that just being there for her, on the phone, by text, email, so she knows she can lean on you if she needs to, is the best thing you can do.

My instinct would be don't try and make her feel better as I'm not sure that will be possible at this point, but tell her you know it sucks and is heartbreaking and that whatever she needs you'll be there for. Tell her you love her and are keeping her and her partner if she has one close in your heart.

AngelicaSchuyler Thu 03-Nov-16 09:57:45

Hi Zing, you sound like a lovely supportive sister. As someone who has been ttc unsuccessfully for 4 years with 4 failed IVF cycles, the best thing you can do is just be there for her, acknowledge that she's hurting and let her know you're thinking of her.

It's difficult as everyone deals with things differently, but definitely don't tell her she 'needs to be more positive' or 'you're sure it will work next time'. Believe me, those things don't help.

The first few days after a failed IVF cycle are almost indescribably terrible. It's like being in a black hole of grief that you can't quite see your way out of. She will get better and it's sometimes surprising how quickly you get back on your feet and start thinking about the next try, but all you can do for now is just be there.

I would recommend reading the 'Things not to say to someone dealing with infertility" thread which is knocking around here somewhere - there is some good insight there into how the most innocent comments can cause upset.

She's very lucky to have you as a sister xxx

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba Thu 03-Nov-16 10:44:04

Thanks all.

I'm so sorry you have been on this road for so long, I truly am sorry. So devastating. (hugs)

I can't believe how emotionally drained I am about this, i can't imagine how she must feel!
(I had a MC so sadly I know what it's like to lose a baby, but it's a whole different ballgame as I already had children)

I told her that she needs to cry & let herself grieve and this is not the time to try & feel better. Not yet. She seems to think somehow it must be her fault, I kept on repeating that it's not. Poor sis. It's just so crap. I wish I could fix it for her.
And you. And everyone.

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