Feeling ridiculous but so envious of Jools and Jamie Oliver

[FeelingRidiculousBut]

Have name changed as this is clearly pathetic, but I'm feeling SO envious of Jools and Jamie Oliver.

I look at the pics of them with their five children, brimming with happiness, and my heart just aches.

I am 39, my husband has male factor infertility, we've tried IVF. It just isn't happening.

I imagine their house full of laughter and joy and Christmases and birthdays.

Our house is so quiet.

I'm tearing up as I write this, but I know it's pathetic.

Does anyone else understand / feel this way when they see pics like this of big families?

[hollyisalovelyname]

There is nothing I can say to ease your pain.

[hollyisalovelyname]

There is nothing I can say to ease your pain.
Could you adopt or foster a child?

[YesIcan]

I feel your pain. I'm here in bed with DS aged 5 and 7. DH is out for a cycle - we're on stay cation.
They were conceived by egg donor.
Have you exhausted all possibilities?

[YesIcan]

Have you heard of embryo donation?

[FeelingRidiculousBut]

Thank you Holly, I was feeling so silly!

We are thinking of adoption. Have spoken to some social workers etc and of course they are all keen to stress it's not 'regular' parenting and we must be aware it's 'not the same'. So just get a bit teary when I see families like these.

Not even envious in the slightest of their millions - just the happiness. (Just a few extra thousand in the bank would be enough to make me happier, ha!)

[FeelingRidiculousBut]

I hadn't heard of embryo donation, but I think my husband would prefer adoption to that.

[Kannet]

I had my little boy through embryo adoption. It's amazing. Well worth looking into

[FeelingRidiculousBut]

Excuse my ignorance, but is that something the NHS can do?

[Mybugslife]

This is not pathetic at all. You are well within your rights to feel jealous and upset. My OH and I have lost 3 babies and every time i see anyone whose pregnant or got babies/children my heart aches and I really feel hate for them.
There's nothing wrong with the way you feel. XXXX

[roseteapot101]

theres lots of options

if its your partner you can get a sperm donation
if you have a problem with your eggs you can get a egg donation
if you have a problem carrying you can hire a surrogate to carry a baby for you .A relative can do this for you

i believe theres clinics you can talk to people about this to see what your options are

[whathaveiforgottentoday]

Not pathetic at all, just really understandable. Many hugs to you.

[Toocold]

You are not pathetic, I really feel for you x

[BipBippadotta]

You are not pathetic. I know how you feel. Sad & a bit bitter at what seems like greediness. Also I can't stand looking at JO's face, which doesn't help.

I was also horrified to hear something about Jools allowing the other children into the birthing room - was gobsmacked by the breezy assumption that all would go well & be a lovely experience for everyone. My baby died quite unexpectedly during labour; that would have been an impossible situation to manage with a bunch of small children looking on.

I'm the same age as you, I know the feeling that it's hopeless. No advice here. Seems clear to me that you are aware of all your options & just need a bit of empathy.

[Kannet]

In sorry I don't know if it is available on nhs. I had treatment in Barcelona

[OlennasWimple]

Have you read Jools' book about trying to conceive? Minus Nine to One, or something like that - it hasn't been plain sailing for them

[Just5minswithDacre]

[toadgirl]

Have name changed as this is clearly pathetic, but I'm feeling SO envious of Jools and Jamie Oliver

You are not pathetic! If you don't allow yourself to feel your feelings, it will be all the more painful for you

I look at the pics of them with their five children, brimming with happiness, and my heart just aches

They seem happy and I hope they really are, but happy-looking celebs break up every day. I am not wishing that for them, of course not (in case it came across that way). What I am saying is, in today's Facebook/social media world a lot of people feel that others have got it all. When the reality is we all face problems at the end of the day - illness, death of loved ones, accidents, disappointments. No-one escapes this.

I am 39, my husband has male factor infertility, we've tried IVF. It just isn't happening

I am so sorry. Like others have said have you explored every avenue yet? I can't advise as I have no experience of this. Leave no stone unturned yet.

I imagine their house full of laughter and joy and Christmases and birthdays

Everyone's house has the potential to be like this, even without children. Mine is and I have no children.

Our house is so quiet

I don't want to seem obtuse. I know you meant quiet without children. I don't want to seem flippant either. I am afraid of saying the wrong thing and making it worse, but I have no children either and I've always had pets. We currently have the most adorable dog and I don't know what quiet is anymore. He's a real live-wire and I can't imagine life within him now. Every day I have to get up for him. Do stuff for him.

Once you have tried everything else, please don't write off the comfort and joy pets can bring. I know it's not the same if you are maternal, but it's somewhere for all the love you have to go.

I'm tearing up as I write this, but I know it's pathetic

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You have every right to feel cheated and angry and upset.

OP, you may find the following website comforting and of practical use. It was set up by Jody Day who has faced the same issues as yourself. She has a book out and there are meet-ups you can go to, etc. There are blogs on there about every aspect of this - including the very thing you have posted about now.

http://gateway-women.com

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. It must be so incredibly painful. Is your husband supportive and understanding? Don't give up hope yet - as PPs have mentioned there is other stuff still to try.

Otherwise, you need to find a way to make your life work despite this. Try to stay away from articles about the Olivers and people like them. It's rubbing salt in the wound right now.

[FeelingRidiculousBut]

Thank you all, apologies I just got out of work.

Bip yes - being 39 seems to make it all seem a bit less hopeful than in previous years. Good to have someone else know just how it feels. I'm sorry for your loss - and that is a bit shocking about kids in the birth room. Quite complacent, I agree. And yes - ha - it does feel a bit 'greedy'. Silly, I know, they can have as many kids as they like! A silly thought, but I do admit, it was there for me too!

Olennas I ,know that Jools had to take Clomid but on the other hand, she's spent most of the last ten years pregnant or breastfeeding so it's all relative!

Toadgirl thanks for the time you took to post.... My husband would prefer to adopt when he says 'there are already kids out there' etc (rather than donation) so I guess I'm just grieving a biological child.

Pets on the other hand sound promising too! I guess it's so easy to fixate a bit on what you don't have...

Trying so hard not to feel envy as I know it's not healthy. It is hard though. Glad to know I'm not the only one who succumbs to these feelings!

[TheHoneyBadger]

dont' feel pathetic.

i'm very fortunate in that i do have my son who is 9 but still sometimes will feel sad that circumstances have made me stick at one and that i won't get to be pregnant again or have a baby again etc.

the 'celebrate their fifth child' made me feel a bit 'lucky bloody them' ish as well. unreasonable but meh.

if i had that kind of money and security i'd be off for ivf like a shot but in reality it's not fair to ds and unrealistic for me to think of another child.

[FeelingRidiculousBut]

Ha - yes Honeybadger it was definitely a 'lucky bloody them' moment!

Don't apologise for having one, I know that secondary infertility (or not being as to have more than one for whatever reason) can also be painful.

[FeelingRidiculousBut]

*Able to have, not 'as to'

[TheHoneyBadger]

it's not infertility in my case - as far as i know - but financial realities and being a single parent and being 40 years old with health issues. if i won the lottery tomorrow i'd love to have more children and for ds to have at least one sibling but it's not all that likely

it would be IVF to maximise my chances of conceiving and miss out all that messy finding a willing bloke business though a lovely old friend of mine and i were 'joking' about having a baby together just the other day.

[toadgirl]

Toadgirl thanks for the time you took to post.... My husband would prefer to adopt when he says 'there are already kids out there' etc (rather than donation) so I guess I'm just grieving a biological child

No problem at all, OP.

Is there any way you could explore your feelings more with your husband? Does he understand how upset you are at not trying again for a biological child?

Pets on the other hand sound promising too! smile I guess it's so easy to fixate a bit on what you don't have...

If you don't have a child or adopt in the end, it's certainly worth exploring after some deep thought. Not the same of course, but they can still bring joy, noise(!), mess (!), love, fun, and social interaction. We treat our dog as if he were our son. I was worried sick about him having his neutering op earlier this week. I am a bit batty, no doubt, but I am beyond caring at my age. DH and I were buying dog's first birthday card the other day. We couldn't choose. I looked at a "Birthday Boy" card but my DH wanted "To a Fantastic Son". It's dog's first birthday. A baby can't read his first birthday card either, I reasoned, so what the heck?

Trying so hard not to feel envy as I know it's not healthy. It is hard though. Glad to know I'm not the only one who succumbs to these feeling

Feel it first in order to let go of it. I certainly couldn't advise you to brush it all under the carpet. You have pain to work through and it's legitimate. That site I posted earlier I think you will find really helpful.

I hope you find peace OP and I believe you will, given time. You are definitely not alone.

[FeelingRidiculousBut]

Thanks so much Toadgirl. I will talk to him, I should talk to him more about this stuff.

Hearing about your decision-making over dog's bday card really made me smile! He sounds gorgeous!

I will definitely look at that Gateway website too - in fact, I'm scheduling a big chunk of tomorrow morning to it (one benefit of being child free....time!).

Thank you again for your lovely support, you massively helped me today, when I was really quite down

[W8woman]

I know the feeling of being happy for someone else whilst being simultaneously devastated for yourself. Devastation being the right word, because all you see before you is a wasteland, whilst their future seems rosy.

It's never as simple as all that. Jools' father died when she was a teenager - hers has not been a life without its fair share of grief. Same for Prince William. Everything is glorious for them but it hasn't always been, and it won't always be.

The same goes for you - you deserve a fair share of the world's happiness, and just because it might not come in the form of children does not mean it will be worth any less than theirs.