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Turning into someone I dislike.

(11 Posts)
BiggerBoatNeeded Tue 02-Aug-16 19:40:47

Nearly 3 years of infertility (peanuts to some on here I know), two rounds of IVF, two very early miscarriages and now stuck in a shitty waiting list even though we're paying. It's so unfair and I today I just can't cope with it. I'm just so fucking angry with everyone and everything at the moment - I've become a horrible person.

My friends try to understand but they just don't get it (why would they, they're lucky and we're not) and I'm so frustrated I want to yell at them all. They've literally all got children and just can't understand what life is like for us. Encouragement, most people's go to, is useless -
the process is shit, unpredictable and for us so far destined to fail.

I am so angry and jealous every time I hear someone is pregnant. A little bit of me dies inside and then dies a bit more when I feel so shitty for being bitter and jealous. I'm a horrible person now. I wouldn't want to be my friend or be married for me.

Sorry, I know this is a self indulgent rant and I know that other lovely people on this board have had a much tougher journey than me and dealt with it much better but I need to get it out here or I will explode in RL.

MehMehM3h Tue 02-Aug-16 21:02:02

biggerboat rant away! This is the place to do it! I'm the same, bitter, twisted and angry at everyone! It's normal...well normal for us!

Everything about this journey is shit, from the waiting to the failing to the paying to go through all of this. I've had a friend tell me that paying £8k for failure is not a bad thing- people spend this on holidays etc. I've had another friend tell me to go again with another cycle of ICSI - a week after we were told that we got zero fertilisation!

My supposed best friend has failed to ask me anything about the icsi etc since the first cycle failed (back in march) it's got to the point when we email I just get so angry as she talks about her kid but asks me fuck all about the ivf.

I hate every part of this "journey", I hate the fact that I want to run away (including away from mr meh) or bury my head so that for one minute I don't think about how shit this journey is or how our cycle failed and realistically we may never have our own child and that I have to justify wanting our own child in order to stop people suggesting adoption/fostering etc which is coming across as if I am being unreasonable in not feeling that any child will do. I feel guilty for being in Mr Meh's life - he'd made his peace with not having kids before he met me...and I wanted kids.

I wish, with all my heart that ivf was never an option- if it wasn't then we wouldn't be here waiting, wishing for something that may in all likelihood never happen anyway!

Sorry, am waffling. I just know how you feel, I'm truly sorry you, me and well all of us have to go through this shit

DoinItFine Tue 02-Aug-16 21:09:22

You're not turning into anyone.

You're just you dealing with horrible disappointment mixed with painful, tantalising hope.

If you lost a baby you wouldn't think you were a horrible person for struggling to deal with other people's child related happiness.

But you're afraid you are never going to have a baby. That's a kind of grief.

It's OK to feel what you're feeling. None of this is a failure on your part.

It's just life being reallg fucking unfair.

It's easy to be pleasant when you're lucky.


Look after yourself.

blue2014 Tue 02-Aug-16 21:21:03

There's nothing wrong with the way you feel, honestly there isn't. This is all fucking shit . Are you on one of the infertility support threads (BESH or mindnumbing ) there are wonderful people here who know exactly how this feels too. It really helped me when I needed it

BiggerBoatNeeded Tue 02-Aug-16 21:51:39

Thanks ladies - bloody hell mumsnet is good sometimes.

Meh fully with you on the wishing IVF hadn't been invented sometimes so it wasn't an option. All that hope and all that pain and everyone around you thinks it's a sure thing because it worked first time for their neighbour's dog walker's podiatrist. Also, sorry your friend has been so crap, that sounds incredibly hurtful.

'It's easy to be pleasant when you're lucky' is brilliant DoinItFine. I need to remember that when I'm really beating myself up about being a mean old bint.

I lurk on both of those threads blue but haven't posted. I worry I'd end up feeling competitive with those currently having treatment (how many eggs, how many fertilised etc - batshit I know). But I should get over that really as there is much wisdom there that I could benefit from.

Thanks again, I'd hit a bit of a low this evening flowers

blue2014 Wed 03-Aug-16 08:14:08

Not batshit at all Bigger (or if it is I'm much crazier than you) , I'm one of the really lucky ones, I am currently diffed from IVF and I STIlLL get a little twinge of jealously when I hear how many eggs others get.

They are places to be batshit, bitter, hateful and terrified together (I'm still lurking on both threads)

star2787 Wed 03-Aug-16 16:25:17

There's nothing wrong with the way you feel I'm the same me and my partner have been trying for 8yrs with no joy I became a horrible person to my friends that were having babies and thinking why not me it takes over your life stay positive

BipBippadotta Tue 09-Aug-16 17:03:41

'It's easy to be pleasant when you're lucky' is brilliant (though why the fuck can't lucky people manage to be a bit more pleasant? Thinking of Meh's mate here, among others).

However much you love your threadmates, it can be hard when others are having IVF and your cycle's just failed. It got a bit much for me at various points; I felt out of sync with people who were earlier on in their infertility saga than I was, and was overwhelmingly jealous of everyone else's seeming (to my embittered imagination) hoards of plump young eggs and eager perky sperm. Plus I couldn't stand to think or hear about injections, dosages, scans, etc just after my cycle - it made me want to curl into a ball and scream. But I've wandered back now and again and you really can't beat the support and knowledge and good humour. And shared bitterness! Come be bitter!

Meh I hope you're doing all right. Thinking of you and the Mr.

natalilly84 Tue 09-Aug-16 18:23:16

@biggerboatneeded thank you so much for posting this. I logged on today because I'm feeling the same, but also that I was worried that it is weird that I feel this way, I'm still sad, but I know I'm not alone.
I'm sorry for all you are going through. It's really not fair! xx

PotatoesPastaAndBread Sat 13-Aug-16 18:02:30

If you're turning into anything bigger you're just turning into the rest of us! In equal parts angry, sad, optimistic, pissed off, jealous, funny, helpful, selfish, supportive. It all just fucking sucks. I'm sorry for your pain flowers

Wifey1990 Tue 16-Aug-16 20:55:39

I could have written this post myself, it's shit no other word for it! Had enough and what's worse only a few people know we are going through this long painful fertility process.

1 being my supposed mate 2 days after having my tubes reopend she rings to tell me she's pregnant with a f**k buddy and don't know whether to keep it!!!!

2. My mum keeps mentioning at family occasions I can't drink to much because she wants a grand baby, I love her to bits but give me a break.

Another thing that's annoying me such a long wait in between my appointments with my fertility doctor. 2 years only had surgery 14th July both tubes apprently reopend and now not seeing him until the 12th of sept just to discuss meds.

I won't get IVF on the NHS because my husband has a child from previous who is nearly 8 and beautiful we have full custody of her, her mother is just a sperm bank and she knocks them out like no tomorrow!!!!

Sorry for the rant x

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