Ranting & Drinking - for those fed up of being told its ' gonna be OK'

[allyd84]

Hi,
Wanted to share my story as now seem to have moved slightly past immeasurable grief and onto self-destruction, thought it might help anyone else going through stage.
Story so far... 2 yr ttc. pcos and endo. ov drilling March, pregnant 19th May then..... 4 weeks later early scan showed empty sac. After a month of tears, scans and bloods at EPU they confirmed a ‘non-viable’ pregnancy. We were due to go to Italy on the 21st June for my 32nd birthday so they booked me in for D&C on the emergency list on the Sat before. Got to hospital in a state at 7am, changed into gown, signed to say they could take the ‘remains’ and they took me to theatre. At this point I was hysterical and s**tting myself as distraught & terrified of hospital anyway and last op for ov drilling bloody hurt. Was in anaesthetic room when surgeon came in and called off op, said he wouldn’t do it as he felt there was still a chance of viable pregnancy. Sent me home and I miscarried in Florence on my birthday –and that bloody hurt too.
Anyway just wanted to share and have a bit of a rant, I am I feel understandingly still very up and down. I am angry that they again gave me hope again only for it to be taken away again. I am angry I got as far as theatre. I am angry everyone's getting pregnant left, right and centre apart from me ( not true I know). I have been drinking at least a few glasses of wine every night since, eating crap and I suspect probably being bit of a cow to everyone and I have decided I don’t care. I think we are allowed to be pissed off and sad if we are struggling for whatever reason, it’s not fucking fair and if one more person tells me it’s going to be ok (when they have no idea if it will and likelihood is I will need further ‘treatment’), that I was only early or that they were surprised got pregnant so soon after fertility op then I swear I will punch them on the nose. For now I am quite happy being a miserable drunk, I will be ok but I will never forget, I will eventually sort myself out and stop drinking and TTC again. Until then thank god for Sauvignon Blanc.

[Zippybear]

Hey ally I haven't been through anything like what you've had to endure recently, I can't even imagine how hard that was, sending a huge virtual hug. Fuck everyone and everything that belittles your feelings right now. You are grieving, and it is a process that you have to go through now, otherwise it will come back at you at some point in the future. If drinking helps you feel better why not, although I have to say that what helped me long term was not alcohol (I did give it a go!) but going out for runs (and crying the whole way) and pushing myself back into the real world. But only when you are ready. X

[IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy]

& for you OP.
As pp said, you are grieving and you should absolutely allow yourself a lot of time to work through it.

Can I also join you in your rant? I have pcos, have been ttc for almost 4 years. Had metformin, a million blood tests, internal & external ultrasounds, HSG and Clomid. Added my own concoction of vitamins / supplements. Changed my diet, nagged DH into changing his, lived and breathed cycle days for months and months, dtd on demand and almost crumpled under the pressure. And I have achieved nothing. No BFP, no regular cycles, no good news at all.

I too have a small group of people who know this and insist 'it'll happen, you're meant to be a mum.' Funnily enough, they are all people who had no issues at all in getting pregnant.
To balance this, I have a mum who tells me I'm not maternal so it's a good thing I don't want kids can't imagine why I haven't told her our issues
Oh and a MIL (who is lovely) who is desperate for grandchildren and is approaching this by showing how great a nanny she would be and taking up little craft projects making things for the grandchild she is sure will be arriving 'kind of soon.'

Honestly, it's too much. It's not going to be ok. I have some clomid left, then on to IVF. Either way, I have to go back through hormonal madness, no sleep, stress, counting cycle days, taking temp, dtd whether I want to or not, having Drs poking and prodding me. All to be able to attempt having a baby - with no guarantee. So for now I've stopped. It's broken me. So I'm drinking rum. Lots and lots of rum. And I had Chinese for tea.

Apologies for the length, I couldn't stop when I get started

[allyd84]

Hi IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy, know how you feel about MIL. Mines lovely but had a heart attack a few years ago and although she's fine is desperate for grandkids. Hubbys 42 and when we found out i was pg she started knitting. She has now continued with her projects helpfully pointing out that if I can't have kids then her other 2 sons will do so it doesn't matter they can have the clothes. Oh and that we're getting a bit old as it wouldn't be fair on baby if they had old parents (I'm only 32!). Know she means well but just another kick in the teeth. Back to fertility doc in a couple of months for first round of clomid, dreading starting met again as made me feel sick daily but prosecco Friday and curry last night made me feel normal, for a few hours at least. Might even have a Captains Morgan's n coke for lunch! Would love to go one day without someone commenting or talking babies ( I work for Nhs with mainly women so someone's announcing they r preggers daily) !

[allyd84]

Oh and isn't it weird when you get to the point it's normal for strangers to stuck a huge condom covered probe up you?

[blue2014]

Ally, I'm so sorry for your loss. When I felt this way I joined the BESH group on this thread (and also the mindnumbing thread) there are a bunch of us out there who are fucking angry about this whole process and it really helped me to be with others who felt the same

[helenatroy]

Op I know how it feels. People talk to you in cliches "it's natures way of taking care of things", "just relax", "motherhood is not all that" and my personal favourite "perhaps it's just not meant to be. I have had at least 8 miscarriages and have spent many days in bed thinking the world had ended. I almost gave up many many times after begging for tests both private and NHS. Last year in November I met a fertility doctor who had some theories about what we miscarry and why some of us struggle to conceive at all. She told me about a number of theories she had including.
Blood clotting
Undiagnosed infections in the womb
Cold sores causing early miscarriages
The womb being an "unfriendly environment"
Amongst other things. I tested positive for two blood issues and the cold sore thing and she treated them. I am currently 24 weeks pregnant with a healthy girl and I am happier than I have ever been.

Don't give up. Drink the SB, grieve, rant, shout and don't listen to the ner-Sayers. Then dust yourself off and try again.

Good luck with it all

[IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy]

Ally are you my twin? Prosecco, curry and captain Morgan's are all my favourite treats!

Yes it is odd that I now just expect blood tests at every appointment, and I'm so far passed the point of feeling awkward when I'm led on a bed with my legs open keying yet another dr have a look / take a sample / do a scan

I think your MIL saying that about the clothes is sensible in a practical way but not even slightly sensitive. I hope your DH pointed out how hurtful that was?
I just change the subject whenever MIL mentions babies.

Oh and yes, def understand being surrounded by pregnant women. Currently on 2 pregnant colleagues, one on maternity, 2 friends have had babies in the last month and I is due in a few months - oh and my cousin is due any day now. FFS

[CanISayOfHerFace]

People want to say something to help but the reality is there's really nothing they can say. And invariably they end up saying something completely inappropriate that you've probably heard 30 times.

To those closest to me I ended up telling them it's okay for me to be upset and wallow in it when it's all going to shit. You don't need to try and make me feel better, just let me cry/rant/stay in bed and maybe give me a hug and pour me a wine.

Enjoy your Sauvignon Blanc!

[PeaOp]

and isn't it weird when you get to the point it's normal for strangers to stuck a huge condom covered probe up you?

This. Definitely this...