Has fertility made you insular?(6 Posts)
Hello. Hope youre all ok. I wondered if infertility has changed your relationships? Im finding the treatment depressing and no one outside my marriage knows. Ive got a big birthday coming up and i know baby questions start at these occasions. Im dreading it but cant cancel
Hello Meg, I hope you're doing all right. I've had several losses & several years of infertility and, yep, it's made me very insular & depressed at times. I found it eventually helped to be quite frank with people about what was going on (it at least shuts most people up with the stupid baby questions, or makes them too squeamish to pry any more). Do you think you could talk to some people close to you about it?
To a point yes... There are a handful of people who I feel I can talk to openly and honestly.
However, one of my oldest friends from uni thinks we don't want children for another few years... after hearing her saying she thought her SIL was jealous of her as her SIL needed help and she was so fertile... Funnily enough I thought I would keep my mouth shut about my issues! I did speak up in defence of her SIL though!
Is there anyone you could trust who could help field any awkward questions? You almost need someone to deflect the conversation away?
It's so hard I know when you get the questions... for you
I think infertility affects most aspects of your life. It took 8 years for our DD to come along, with what felt like every type of treatment you can imagine. During those long years I avoided people (including family), situations, holidays, and even my safe haven at work eventually became agonising because of the questions. My default answer to "when are you going to have a baby?" was "we're happy as we are - you can't miss what you've never had!" (not that I ever, ever believed that).
I don't have any words of wisdom, but I do understand entirely how awful things can feel. If I could have stayed under a duvet for large chunks of those 8 years I would have. In the end I confided in just a few people - some let me down, but the remainder supported me, and it stopped me from going completely insane. Sending an enormous hug - there are people out there that do understand.
I'm also going through IVF and struggling with infertility and feeling very down as a result.
I feel very alone and isolated, but have found that being honest with others is probably the easiest. When friends announce their pregnancy I express how happy I am and how lucky they are and generally tell them were I am at. I have found that they are more sensitive to my feelings towards their pregnancy stories, scans etc.
Sending hugs as it is a horrible place.
I was suffering from depression while TTC. While initially I could confide in trusted friends about the depression, infertility was much more difficult to talk about. I spoke to one friend about it, and unfortunately she said pretty much all the things that you shouldn't say to someone (adoption, more to life than children, should wait until depression was cured(!!!) etc), so I was too scarred by the experience to speak to anyone else. And then went though a very lonely failed cycle.
I also stopped celebrating my birthday and even escaped last Christmas to go abroad so I didn't have to deal with it.
My dads surprise birthday party was ruined (for me) when an aunt asked, when she was leaving, what we were waiting for and that we shouldn't leave it too long 😰 Why are people so insensitive?!
I was completely thrown and mumbled something but wished I'd had something clever to respond with.
My depression has lifted after becoming pregnant but I am still being treated with CBT to keep me on track.
You're not alone Meg.
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