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How to support a friend after failed IVF?

(4 Posts)
figsandalmonds Thu 26-May-16 09:36:25

*Mention of healthy pregnancy, failed IVF, child death*

Hi everyone

Sorry to crash your thread. My best friend has been trying to get pregnant for a while and this year they turned to IVF. Their second attempt just failed. She has wanted to get pregnant but she has told me that she didn't feel in a massive rush, so she's been ok about things all this time. She called me last night to say it hadn't work, but said she didn't want to talk about it. She said she was ok, but sad. I want to support her, I want to be there for her so badly but I don't want to intrude or be that annoying friend who is too much. I'm aware that sometimes one might not want to talk about these things too much.

The added complication is that I am pregnant and due in August. Her first round of IVF coincided pretty much exactly with me finding out I was pregnant.

My partner and I lost our son at age 2, a year ago. So my pregnancy is not without its emotional complications either and of course she knows that. But, I have been fortunate enough never to experience difficulty conceiving so I have no idea how she feels. She has told me she feels fine about my pregnancy - but I'm aware that these feelings can change (I was at times fine with other people with children and hated others, there are some people I just cut off).

I've told her I'm here for her and around if she would like to meet up. Is there anything I can send? I was thinking of sending some music (maybe a happy playlist and a miserable playlist). Maybe some food (good wine, good cheese, good chocolate?).

I feel desperately worried and guilty about all the stupid things I might have said. I love her so much I hate to think that she is sad / in pain and that there's nothing I can do. I know that a lot of my friends felt like this when our son died and that there really was nothing I wanted any of them to do. So I am trying to sit with that too ...

Any advice gratefully received!

Thank you all!

gingerannie Thu 26-May-16 13:20:02

Hello, You sound like the kind of friend anyone would be lucky to have. Your sensitivity to your friend's struggle to conceive, despite your own massive loss is admirable. I have a best friend whose only child was stillborn three months after my child was born after five rounds of IVF. I would imagine that if you sent your friend the post you have put up here, just tailored to actively address her, that would be great. It tells her everything she needs to know about your love and concern for her and your own ongoing struggle with what has happened to your family. All I ever wanted from friends was that they were sensitive and your post shows sensitivity in spades. Ultimately, though you are pregnant, you are enduring a terrible loss and its after effects and your friend also needs to vocalise her acknowledgement of your pain. Very best of luck with your pregnancy x

blue2014 Sat 04-Jun-16 14:51:21

You are doing enough already, nothing else is needed.

My best friend conceived very easily with no problems and definitely no loss of a child (I'm so sorry for your loss) and I never hated her when I was struggling - I hated everyone else but never her. Just being there if she needs you is enough

figsandalmonds Mon 06-Jun-16 11:33:38

Thank you both for your kind messages. I really appreciate.


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