How do we get our carefree sex life back after infertility?!

[Stanley38]

My husband and I are coming to terms with the fact that after 3.5 years of TTC, we are unlikely to ever have a family.

There are things we have started to do that are bringing us lots of fun and happiness after such stressful times, that we perhaps couldn't have done otherwise: booking last minute flights for a weekend city break, treating myself to a ridiculously priced handbag that would be irresponsible if saving for mat leave or baby (!), eating out, sports/ hobbies that we enjoy together and apart.

However, our sex life has really suffered. We love each other so much and are very happy together. We have a lot of intimacy in other ways, but infertility has robbed us of the care-free, spontaneous sex life we used to have. It now feels sterile (forgive the pun!), a bit weird maybe... Just not natural no matter what we try. We both feel this way and are open with each other... Just not sure how to fix it.

For over two years it's been that way, I guess because we were TTC for so long and eventually sex was mainly for a purpose, rather than being for the joy of it... It's hard for it not to suffer during such long periods of TTC, I believe. I am wondering if it will gradually become more natural and spontaneous again as we come more to terms with our child-free life, or if there are things we can try to help it along?

Even thinking about "trying things to help it" seems artificial and forcing it, if you see what I mean?

I'd be happy to hear from anyone with any experience or advice.

[beanhunter]

Not a clue but wanted to let you know you are far from alone in this. It feels so unfair how much infertility steals from you and then it takes your sex life too.

[blue2014]

Remove any possibility of this being TTC sex for a while. Agree he can't ejaculate in you, use condoms, go on the pill.

TTC sex sucks, we only got back on track after IVF after we realised there was no way sex was gonna make a baby for us

Hope things work out for you

[Stanley38]

Thanks Blue. Yes, I do wonder if we will naturally get there because we now know it is highly unlikely we will conceive naturally. It sounds like that type of realisation is what helped you. In other words, there's not much you can actually do to hurry the process along, but when you realise that sex is no longer TTC sex whatever you do, then the pressure is off and a natural sex life slowly returns. This is what I'm hoping anyway!

[blue2014]

Yes that's exactly what it was for us, as soon as we booked the IVF appointment our sex life just went back to normal - for the 3-4 years before that it had just become a job neither of us wanted to do. I don't think the lack of variety helps with TTC sex either, everything always has to end in the same way, it's nice when that stops.