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Telling people or not?

(3 Posts)
broodykingy Thu 07-Apr-16 17:32:38

Hi all,

I was just wondering if you have shared your infertility struggles with other people?

We have been ttc for a year and a half and after 6 months I told my sister and best friend then after my sister fell pregnant (a year after we started trying) I told my mum and a few other friends now know. I find it easier for people to know but at the same time whenever I have told someone who has then become pregnant I feel like I have made them feel awkward. Also I have a group of friends in a chat group and two have announced pregnancies, I feel so upset about it all and kind of try say the minimum in chat and then feel awful, they don't know we are ttc so they may think I'm just being rude but I don't want to tell them as then I would feel like they can't be there normal excited self around me. It's such a difficult position to be in and I don't want to make other people feel awkward but at the same time I know they would feel awful if they knew how much it upset me.

Other half wants to keep it quiet and has told minimal friends.

Maybe see where the next round of tests lead us...

bananafish81 Thu 07-Apr-16 21:50:27

I’ve been very open about it all, for a few reasons

I’d find it incredibly stressful trying to keep what is essentially weaved into every aspect of my life at the moment, hidden. I also really value people being understanding and supportive. I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of, so part of me is quite militant about being open so maybe someone else might feel there’s less of a stigma attached to infertility. Which actually, in my personal experience, isn’t the case at all. Especially as it is WAY more common than you think.

I can’t tell you how many people it turns out actually suffered infertility or miscarriage, but never disclosed until I ‘came out’ about my infertility woes, because they had kept it completely private.

I also didn’t subscribe to the 12-week rule about not telling anyone you’re pregnant. Anyone who knew about our IVF also knew that I got pregnant - which again meant I didn’t have to stress about hiding anything, and got really great support. I reckoned keeping it under wraps wasn’t gonna change the outcome either way - and actually, when I ended up miscarrying three weeks ago @ 10 weeks, I was so very glad my friends knew about the pregnancy, as it meant I was able to be open about losing the baby, and I can’t imagine keeping the overwhelming grief silent.

The other thing I’d say about sharing, is by disclosing, it’s meant my friends are aware of what might be sensitive

If we had kept our issues a state secret, then even though most people would probably recognise that infertility was far more likely than not wanting children, if they don’t know, they can’t really be expected to mind read, and consciously consider what might be difficult for us.

Case in point, when I found my friend's baby naming just too painful, I was able to stay for the ceremony but slip out for the celebrations afterwards, and able to make apologies directly, and to know that she understood how difficult it was for me. If I'd had to make up some excuse, it's far more likely she would have thought she was being fobbed off, or like I just couldn't be bothered. It really does take the pressure off the moments which are difficult enough as it is, in my own experience...

It’s a very personal choice and there’s no right or wrong way - but for me I am very glad I was very open about things, and will do the same again as we go through our next cycle

Good luck flowers

alockie Sun 24-Apr-16 11:43:53

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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