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(12 Posts)
guidinglight Thu 18-Feb-16 08:47:11

Sorry if this isn't the right place but not sure where is to be honest. Have lurked on conception but that just makes me feel worse about the situation.

DP and I are TTC but he has ED. He has had this throughout our relationship and says he has always had it. He thinks it is psychological. I've been really careful to not make an issue of it and be supportive but it really gets to me. Now that we're trying I feel worse about the situation as I can't say to him when the ideal time is as it just puts more pressure on him.

We had a long discussion about this the other day and he admitted that he was worried it would never happen for us because of this problem. I think he also feels worse as his ex had a termination (he wanted the baby) which I think is probably at the back of his mind also.

I don't really know what I'm looking for. I can't talk to any of my friends as it is such a personal issue and I feel like I would be breaching his confidentiality. I'm really struggling at the moment though which is odd as I wasn't that bothered about having children until we started trying.

MrsDarcy4092 Thu 18-Feb-16 17:07:13

What's ED? Sorry if I'm being thick. And I'm sorry about what your going through- hard to advice till I know what it is

KittyandTeal Thu 18-Feb-16 17:12:53

If it is psychological would he consider a specialist therapist? Has he been to the gp to check it isn't a physical issue?

TammySwanson Thu 18-Feb-16 17:40:49

If you can persuade your DP to go to his GP it would be good. My DH has ED too (medically related rather than psychological but there may be medical reasons for your DP too, you can never be sure and with ED one can feed into the other) and when I met him I had to gently talk him into going to his GP. I think I did mention about having children (which is ironic because it's actually probably me that's the cause of our infertility) and now he has a prescription for Viagra which has changed everything. I'm not sure of the treatment for psychological issues (not sure if they will straight away prescribe Viagra or something similar) but it really is worth talking to his GP about. It's unlikely to get better without some intervention.

Be kind to yourself as I know it takes a toll on you too, and as you say it's one of those things that aren't really discussed in real life, and I know that remaining supportive as the partner in these situations is vital so it's difficult to vent anywhere about it.

guidinglight Thu 18-Feb-16 18:00:29

Thanks for your replies - ED is erectile dysfunction.

We're quite new to TTC so I haven't discussed it too much with him. Initially I thought it could have been down to his ex's termination as I know it played on his mind and he didn't want it to happen again (I'd been adamant that I hadn't wanted a child due to my career, but had one come along it would have been fine, but I thought he might still be worried).

I've read up quite a lot about it and tend to agree with him that it is psychological as things occasionally work. I did casually drop Viagra into the conversation the other day. I had been working up to that for about 6 weeks as it is really hard (no pun intended) to bring up - it turned out he thinks he ex spiked something with it once. I hope it is something that he would be open to if there is no improvement.

I feel like such a cow sometimes as I get so frustrated, especially when I know it is the right time and he can't perform. The way I phrased that probably doesn't make me sound like a very nice person. Due to the nature of it though I can't even discuss it with him properly. I brought it up over dinner the other day as it seemed like a fairly non-threatening time.

It has made me question our whole relationship. I'm happy with DP but worry that if things went wrong in the future and we've not been able to have children that I'd regret staying, or that I might resent him. I have no idea if it is normal to feel like this, and I feel horrible for feeling like that.

I told my two best friends we were TTC and really wish I hadn't. One I felt I had to tell as I've committed to something with her that I would have to back out of if I did conceive. Seems silly that I spent so much time worrying over it now. It is also difficult as they ask how it is going and I can't be honest with them so just say 'oh nothing's happened yet' and I get all the 'oh well at least you can have trying' comments. If only sad

Sorry for the long post, but really have nowhere to turn and it is eating me up. Am trying to get into the mindset that this may never happen for us. I do all the right things like taking pre-conception vitamins and have started to wonder if I should stop with the stuff like that to take the pressure off and just take normal ones to keep myself healthy.

KittyandTeal Thu 18-Feb-16 18:11:49

I think an open a frank talk along the lines of 'I know this is really difficult for you I can't imagine, however, thinking practically how are we going to conceive?'

You could then give him some options; see the gp, see a counsellor or if he's really not ready for those yet but really wants a baby there's always iui done at home turkey baster style. It might take the pressure off a bit. I fully appreciate none of these suggestions may be helpful at all.

TammySwanson Thu 18-Feb-16 18:25:50

DH can also perform sometimes without Viagra (although to be honest we don't try without it very often) so it doesn't necessarily rule out medical causes. I was just looking at the NHS website about ED and it says that if you can get an erection in some situations (eg if you wake up with one) then it's probably psychological rather than physical but that's certainly not the case with my DH (he is a long term type 1 diabetic). It really is worth checking with his GP if you can persuade him.

Blondeshavemorefun Fri 19-Feb-16 21:41:16

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

guidinglight Sun 21-Feb-16 18:07:27

Thanks for the messages. He wakes up with an erection without fail every day, and also can get one easily, just struggles to maintain it for long enough. It is something we need to discuss how it is going to happen but at the moment we are quite new to TTC and I don't want to completely terrify him. Blondes - I saw your message before it got deleted. I brought up Viagra in conversation the other day which is when he told me he thinks his ex got it into him somehow. From the tone of the conversation, although I didn't mention him using it, I think he might be open to it as he didn't make any comments such as that he would never use it. I think I need to set a time limit and let things plod along until then as they are and then have a frank discussion about it, which could bring some very difficult decisions.

Blondeshavemorefun Sun 21-Feb-16 23:11:39

omg, my reply got deleted shock was a helpful reply, wonder who reported it

the blue pills, which i wont link again wink apparently work well on my friends partner so maybe worth a try, means he doesnt have to go to gp if embarassed?

Redjeans77 Sun 21-Feb-16 23:59:13

Hi everyone, it's my first time posting on here and if I'm being honest I'm finding our situation a little overwhelming so please be gentle with me grin
I also don't know all the abbreviations so sorry in advance. So here's my story.
Me and my DP having been trying for around 4 years TC (2 years properly). In November 15 I had a routine MRI scan on my dodgy hip, this also showed up that I had bilateral ovarian cysts. As you can probably imagine I was devastated and it took me really by surprise, I saw my GP and she referred me to my local fertility clinic who I first saw before Christmas. I've since had quite a few bloods done (all which were fine) and a Hycosy (which also came back fine) our Clinician said the cysts on one side would

TwoWeeksInCyprus Mon 22-Feb-16 13:01:02

OP, could you look into fertility treatments such as IUI? Or even surgical sperm extraction? It might be a way of separating ED from ttc.

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