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The pressure to reproduce

(18 Posts)
lugo40 Sun 27-Dec-15 22:41:54

Argh we're currently staying with in laws and mother in law said over dinner "I would give me right arm for a grandchild". DH is infertile, she doesn't know . His choice is to wait to see if specialist thinks he can ever father a child using icsi before we tell them. It's been awful and so hard to deal with and then tonight it's hit me like an absolute ton of bricks the enormous pressure that they won't have grandchildren if we can't have a baby.

I've come to bed early on my own. I feel awful not telling them and awful not being able to give them was they want.

RoseBud2015 Mon 28-Dec-15 09:16:33

Sorry you're going through this Lugo Slightly different situation here. I'm the one whose been told I'm infertile and that IVF is our only chance. My Mum knows but DHs parents don't. When they go on and on about wanting another Grandchild (DH has 2 children who live far away) I feel like such a huge failure and like this is never going to happen for us. We have discussed telling them (in the hope that it would stop the comments and lower their expectations) but have, lol you, decided that it isn't the right time. I think the constant questions about IVF and how things are going would be even worse! So no advice, just empathy. I totally get how you feel x

RoseBud2015 Mon 28-Dec-15 09:17:16

*like you

Hyland Wed 30-Dec-15 09:25:07

I have a 13 year old and fear the in laws (with new partner of 8 years) thinking its me that doesn't want children.

Luckily they have not once ever made a comment.

His aunt did mention how she knows we don't want any, as I'm more career minded. When have i ever said that? people just assume.

We have been trying for 4 years 2 months.

MrsH14 Wed 30-Dec-15 22:40:30

Lugo40 that must be really hard on you. My dh is also infertile and we told his parents because his mum asked although like your comment Hyland she thought maybe I was career minded.
Dh' parents have been much more supportive than my own mum I put this partly down to my inlaws not having grandchildren and my mum having 6.

DH beats himself up daily about not being able to give his mum grandchildren. He talks about how he is letting everyone down.

When do you get your results? We are booked in for our urologist follow up on the 5th Feb and the waiting is doing my head in.

Fingers crossed you get the best news possible.

lugo40 Thu 31-Dec-15 10:52:20

Hello mrsh14! I'm sorry you are also going through this. Funny as sounds so similar. My mum has 4 grandchildren so has not been at all bothered by the news and it's really upset me.

Dh was referred to a local urologist who did tests and couldn't find a reason for the severe oats diagnosis so he has referred him to Mr Ramsay in London and the appointment is in February. I'm so confused one day I want to do icsi if we can the next day I want to adopt. It's such a roller coaster but it's the slowest one I've ever been on!! And all such a shock. I think my mil assumes were not having a baby as I'm overweight - we've joined slimming world since all this and have lose three stone so I imagine she will think it's to do with that. I no we should tell her but as dh is an only child I'm not sure I can cope with her grief on top of my own.

lugo40 Thu 31-Dec-15 10:56:08

Pressed post too soon!

I'm sorry hyland. Interesting that they assume you are career minded rather than your dh being career minded- I have found it frustrating that people always assume infertility or timing for babies is all down to the woman! Where are you on the path of treatments/tests?

Mrsh14- the waiting is a nightmare! What tests as he had?

Pixa Thu 31-Dec-15 11:00:36

I feel your pain.

We've been open with people about being infertile, but not the diagnosis (azoospermia). Not being open about the diagnosis has been hard, because people can't really understand why we keep saying "If we can have IVF...".

I think our families seem to think that we will have IVF and it will work...

We have explained time and time again that it may not happen, and they need to accept that.

Hyland Thu 31-Dec-15 11:09:35

We actually have the same job, but people still assume its me because i have a daughter i suppose. Failed fresh icsi cycle on November 13th.

Medicated Frozen cycle now with transfer on 13th January assuming they 3 frosties survive the thaw, test day on 24th I believe.

At the moment Ive been told my sister thinks im pregnant because i've not been drinking over Christmas.

Bloating on the fresh cycle with stimms caused a lot pf raised eyebrows, I imagine as well.

Lugo40 where are u in the process

Hyland Thu 31-Dec-15 11:17:46

Pixa: ivf is alot of pressure on you both for it to work, i felt like i personally failed.

Other people never understand, lady told me they other day that a women is only fertile for two days mmmmm yea i know that lol and that I should just forget about it and it will happen (really after 4 years 2months of trying)

Pixa Thu 31-Dec-15 11:21:08

Hyland, that sounds like the advice we constantly get "Just relax"...

Pixa Thu 31-Dec-15 11:21:27

I should add, please never feel like you have failed!

Hyland Thu 31-Dec-15 11:30:00

Hi Pixa,

I feel like u failed coz i convinced other half that it was a sure thing if we did ivf. He was quite against the idea of paying with no guarantees.
I was hoping we would be lucky and was trying to stay positive.

MrsH14 Thu 31-Dec-15 13:32:21

Lugo40, I've read good things about Dr Ramsey. My Dh has had bloods and an ultrasound. We think he has Varicocele which can cause lower counts but I can't find anything anywhere that says it can cause a nil count.

I'm also the same as you with regards one day wanting ICSI and the other wanting to go straight to adoption.
ICSI scares me because it might not work and adoption scares me because I don't know how I will cope with never carrying my own child.
It's all just so heavy in my brain. I find it hard thinking of anything other than our situation.

Well done on losing weight. Doing exercise classes helps give me an outlet.

Hyland, I'm sorry about your failed cycle but please don't blame yourself. Unfortunately there just aren't any guarantes in our situations which sucks.

Vixxfacee Thu 31-Dec-15 13:34:17

Mil knows we are going through ivf and went through a miscarriage a few years ago. YET still makes comments such as she's desperate for a grandchild. She's jealous of friends with grandchildren, I shouldn't be drinking etc.
I understand totally .

spaceyboo Fri 08-Jan-16 12:17:19

My mil told the whole family it was me who was infertile because I was the only one who agreed to be tested & I got so much shit. Some even said I should have been tested before we got married so he could've had a better idea what he was getting into. One family member compared infertility to an AIDs diagnosis - got me so angry. Situation now is that everything looks ok from my side & increasingly likely that husband is the problem. We've still only been trying for 12 months so not as long as most of you guys but I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to cope.

MehMehM3h Fri 08-Jan-16 13:11:25

spaceyboo that is fucking hideous...did your husband not say anything?! What an awful thing to say to anyone! I am so sorry you had to go through that.

My mum keeps making comments, mostly because she doesn't know the diagnosis or why we don't have children yet. I haven't told her because she's been so ill and would that she's better I have thought about it but realised she won't stop with the questions/thoughtless comments and I'm not sure if I could be diplomatic enough (when my MIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer my mother helpfully suggested that she (MIL) would want grandchildren!)

spaceyboo Fri 08-Jan-16 13:28:47

Husband knows. He defended me, but his family are horrible. I'm no longer taking calls from them without DH around.

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