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Partner taken Failed ICSI badly

(16 Posts)
Hyland Thu 12-Nov-15 22:55:21

He's very subdued and seems like he cant even look at me.

when i finally spoke to him regarding us trying again and we shoukd see this as a hurdleand we're so close.

He disagreed, saying whats the point, it wont work, I said it would work, and waste of money.

I said whats the alternative we give up ! Surely we should comcentrate on the end result and not that fact that we failed this time.

Im heartbroken and i somt knowwhat to say to him, its like he's off in his own little depressed world, shutting me out.

OneMoreForExtra Thu 12-Nov-15 23:04:29

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. As a veteran of 9 failed IVFs, I think you have to allow each other to go at your own pace. He sounds like he's feeling depressed and angry. You sound like you're dusting yourself off for the next round. You have to let him feel what he feels, not demand that he feels what you feel (or vice-versa, of course), and just be there for him. Let him know that you know he's really down and that when he's ready you'd like to talk about future plans together, and in the meantime, find nice unstressful things to do together. Give each other treats and re-bond. IVF can be horribly hard on couples because you both have to get through it in different ways. The very best of luck with your next cycle.

Hyland Thu 12-Nov-15 23:14:05

He can barely say a sentence to me.

We work in same building and on lunch he cant even manage small talk.

Car journeys are in silence apart from the radio.

He has been like this since Tuesday.

I get the whole ...let him go through it at his pace, but i cant stop crying and cant even get a hug.

He's so stubborn that im convinced he wont change his mind.

I have no family close by.

It's like i am a reminder of the failure and disappointment and I imagine he blames me for getting his hopes up.

As he had his reservations about ivf working from the beginning.

He did say he's been proved right.

He looks really annoyed, its really quite upsetting ontop of the failure.

Woobeedoo Wed 18-Nov-15 18:53:30

The way I looked upon my IVF was that the first go was a trial run - it might not work as there's no 'one size fits all' when it comes to the IVF drugs and for your first go they're pretty much guesstimating how your body will react to the drugs - example, other women aged 32 with PCOS respond best with x drug at x dose, therefore that'll work for this other woman too.

I knew after the failed first go that the clinic would reassess me and adjust (and if necessary) change the drugs accordingly (which they did). I was fortunate that my second go worked - I know there are some people out there that numerous attempts don't work and for that I have no words.

CatnipMouse Thu 19-Nov-15 09:37:23

Hyland, you sound so sad. How are things today? X

Hyland Tue 24-Nov-15 11:08:12

I don't think my partner likes that whole philosophy that we're guineapigs on our first ivf cycle.

To him it just demonstrates a lack of understanding of what they're doing and yet they still charge thousands for the privilege.

I think its made harder by the fact that we've been trying for 4 years and I don't have PCOS. So why is it so hard for us to fall pregnant.

I dont have a low egg reserve, we did collect a reasonable amount of eggs at ET. (11)

So what the hell is wrong with us.

I blindly book myself in for another appointment, not convinced that we're not just throwing more money away.

Amummyatlast Tue 24-Nov-15 12:33:28

It's shit isn't it. Neither I nor my DH have been given any reason as to why we can't conceive. But after 4-5 years trying for DD, and 2 years trying for a second, it's an inescapable fact that we cannot conceive naturally.

But it's true that the first cycle is a learning curve. I didn't get any eggs fertilised on the first go. They changed my drugs and my procedure and now I have DD. So don't give up yet if you to continue trying IVF.

Personally, I'm not impressed by your partner's behaviour. I know it is a hard process to go through, but you should be supporting each other, not going off into your own little funk. And I say that as the one who didn't really want to do IVF - I did it more because my DH wasn't ready to give up (and thank god we continued).

Hyland Tue 24-Nov-15 12:42:11

He told me he didn't blame me and that i did everything right to help the process and he said he wasn't angry with me.

He said he just doesn't handle this type of thing to well.

I told him i need him not to give up and do it for me. I got my way and we're booked in again.

I know im quite a sensitive person ordinarily, let alone in a fertility situation.

alockie Tue 24-Nov-15 15:01:29

try to give him some time, step by step

CatnipMouse Wed 25-Nov-15 10:03:39

If you're having ICSI, is it because there are some male factor issues? That can be very difficult for men to deal with. Maybe he's blaming himself but doesn't want to admit it or talk about it.

I'm glad he agreed to give it another go. It's tough enough as it is without people wanting different things. xx

Hyland Wed 25-Nov-15 18:58:02

His first sperm test from over a year ago was border line average and told nothing of concern. Then his second recent anaylis showed results deteriated quite alot.

The consultant admitted it could have been a one off bad result but recommended we do ICSI due to us trying for 4 years and just to eliminate that side of things being an issue.

I think for this reason my partner totally pushed aside the possibility of there being any real issue.

I also have to agree that my opinon was that we were made to believe that there was no real reason that would prevent us from falling. I feel that the consultant sensed my need to just get on with the ivf process.

I was told on my HSG dye test that, all was ok. Apart from one tube that allowed the dye to go through at slower speed. But again we were advised that this would not prevent us from falling as one tube was perfect and the other one not technically blocked.

Are you trying Catnip? Im sure i saw your name somewhere!

SesameSparkle Thu 26-Nov-15 00:11:34

Hi op, I'm really sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to add, most clinics offer free counselling with ivf, and up to a few months after a failed cycle. Do take advantage of this if you can as it can be a big help. You don't even need to go together. If you can convince your dh to go on his own, that might help him understand better the way he feels about things, without worrying he'll hurt your feelings.

Hyland Thu 26-Nov-15 08:02:25

I was under the impression that we would have to pay for this and Im trying to avoid spending money when I have next to no savings left.

SesameSparkle Thu 26-Nov-15 15:06:16

Hyland, do check with them if you can. I've accessed counselling with 2 different private clinics as they had free sessions included in a round of treatment.

Hyland Thu 26-Nov-15 21:50:28

You're right i should check because the list they gave me that was included in the ISCI package said bothing about a free review consukation appointmmet if the cycle fails.

Lady at clinic also told me it wasnt included and that i would have to pay another £230 and then after a mix up with appointment times, found it's FREE.

I wonder if they would consider my cycle well and truly over now seeing as my original test date was 13th November.

Cant imagine him talking to a stranger to be honest but may be worth mentioning to him on next cycle in case he is interested.

SesameSparkle Fri 27-Nov-15 11:44:49

My clinic offers up to 3 free sessions up to 3 months from the outcome date. Then I was entitled to another 3 sessions when I signed up to a new round. Your otd was only 2 weeks ago so not a long time at all to deal with a bfn. It can't hurt to ask them. And if you would struggle to get dh to go you could just go together and see how you get on. If you're entitled to more than one session you might then be able to convince him to do a solo one after.

The other thing I wanted to ask, are you dealing with male factor infertility? My friend had mfi, and had a hard time coping with seeing his wife go through failed treatment. He got counseling on his own to deal with his anxiety, loss of sleep etc. I don't know if it was specialist fertility counseling or a more general one, but it did help him.

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