Life on hold and miserable!

[Bea1985]

Hello fellow mums netters,

This is my first ever post, I'm hoping to find others in a similar situation and who might know how I feel.... Nobody in my life seems to understand as they haven't been in this ..... Limbo!

My partner and I are ttc for 1 year now...I know that's not very long compared to what some people have to go through so I hope I don't sound terribly ungrateful and whiney.

I'm 31 and my other half is 45. We both want a children very badly (I'd also be happy to adopt). We've been doing everything "right" , my cycle is regular, we've been eating healthily, don't smoke or drink much.... I know I should chill out and think "if it happens it happens" but there are various factors that are making me feel utterly miserable in my current situation.

We're going to see the doctor next week as we're concerned that if nothing happens within the next year or two my other half will be nearly 50 and I'd worry about him being retirement age with teenagers (or school age kids, as we'd like more than one) ....I feel as if time is rapidly slipping away from us :(

The other factor is that I am utterly miserable at work. I work in a highly pressurised office environment and there are several issues around my work at the moment. Due to illness in my final year at uni I graduated with and ordinary rather than an honours degree and this has held me back from pursuing careers I'd love and I've done mainly office work. I can go back to the open uni and complete my honours degree and pursue something more rewarding (I'd like to continue studying psychology, possibly educational psychology) but this would annielate my savings (savings I've pain streaking key accumulated with a view to having some time off with a baby) and mean I have zero free time..... I could not have a baby and simultaneously finish my studies and change career, it would have to be one then the other.

Our original plan was to have a baby (or two) before it gets too late, then for me to complete my studies part time when the kids are at school. I have this awful feeling that it's going to take us a long time to have a baby, and it may not be possible at all. I guess I'm feeling particularly down this weekend and af arrived this morning (12th cycle since we started actively trying) and we're both quite disappointed :(

If we find out we can't conceive I'd be delighted to adopt, but having two friends going through this process right now I know that it is also a long road.

I feel like I'm trapped, I'm utterly dreading work tomorrow and prob won't sleep well tonight thinking about it...but I darent leave or spend money on myself (on studies) in case I fall pregnant. I would get a few months mat pay in my current job also.... I feel like I need to stay put, stop complaining, keep saving and keep ttc. It would be really difficult if I left my stable job, spender my savings on uni fees and fell pregnant...I'm not sure we'd cope. We have a mortgage and various other commitments....Everything has to be planned :(

It's just so hard to keep the faith.... What if years more pass and I've spent the last few years miserable! I don't mind making sacrifices in order to have a baby ....my other half so desperately wants to be a daddy and its gutting knowing how excellent he'd be, seeing him with friends kids and feeling every month like I have let him down. I'm also at the age where my friends are all getting pregnant after like 2 months which is highly annoying but I try to be as supportive and happy for them as possible. It would be so bad if I had all the money in the world and wasn't trapped in a job I hate!

Wow, this post ended up being a lot longer than planned. Sorry ladies! I know that nobody can change my situation and I really really hope I haven't sounded too ungrateful. I'm lucky to have a lovely partner and a nice home, cats, a car etc etc. It's just so hard to know what to do.

[Bea1985]

*savings I've painstakingly accumulated!

[DaftOne]

You poor thing. I know just how you feel. It is so frustrating to have your life on hold. We have been trying two years now but I remember how I felt one year in. Yes, one year may not be long in the scheme of things, but all the worry about what the future holds has started to set in. And something you thought would be easy and a pleasure has become a burden and a trap. The feelings you are experiencing are totally valid and horrible, so don't diminish them or think you are being "ungrateful", you're really not.

I know lots of people will say "just do it, quit, follow your dreams, you can't plan life around ttc" etc... It's tempting to think like that but you have obviously planned really carefully and sensibly for parenthood and that is worth a lot. Although the sacrifices you have made/continue to make probably feel like salt in the wound right now, they can still pay off big time.

Remember that even if your fertility issues take a long time to resolve, you won't always feel as bad as you do right now. Maybe at the moment you think everything is so terrible, you can't face going on like this for another year, or two years... But that's just how you feel at the moment. There will be times when you feel much better able to cope and may even enjoy your job and childfree life while you wait.

I really really empathise so strongly. Ways I have found to cope without radically "exploding" my life: Trying to fix little things at work to make myself happier there (I fell into a trap of just putting up with things and mentally "checking out" as I thought every month I would be getting my ticket out of there!!); spending money on myself without blowing my savings, e.g. just treats I wouldn't necessarily have if I had a baby like getting nails done, nice haircuts, new books, shoes...! Holidays - as many as possible. Cant stress that enough. And finally acknowledging to yourself that you are going through something difficult. Find trusted people to rant to and let off steam.

You might find with these things you can get through it, and fingers crossed find yourself pregnant with all the perks you planned. Is there anything you can do at work, eg change role slightly, take on (or take off!) responsibility? Is there a wonderful holiday you could put your mind to planning?

Good luck whatever you decide.

[Bea1985]

Thanks so much for understanding! I'm sorry to hear you have been trying for 2 years... It's such a cruel limbo to be in. It sounds like you have done what I need to do and are managing to appreciate what you have got and enjoy life.

The friends I have spoken to just say "sod it, it'll happen, you go out the and start your career and do what best for you". But it's not that easy, my boyfriend is 45 nearly 46... Even if I got pregnant right now (which is clearly not happening) he'd be not far off 47 when the baby is born and that's baby number one!

I can't just jack in a stable job with mat leave and spend my savings on my "career" only to get half way through my finals / masters / whatever ....with no money and a part time evening job and then find out I'm pregnant! We'd be absolutely buggered.

You're right about mentally checking out at work, perhaps if I start to care more and focus on the good bits I'll manage not to hate it so much. I resent being there and I resent being stuck there. I'm starting to feel like I'll still be there in 10 years time, childless, bitter and resentful! It's pretty depressing knowing I could being so much more with myself .... But then I want to have a baby and maybe I can't have everything :(

My other half gets sick of seeing me so down...he has a job he enjoys and even if he didn't, he'd just change it or retrain....it's not the same for me. We don't have parents close by and have agreed I'd take 12 months off (hence the savings) ....

Uggghhhh I've thought of every possible solution, applied for new jobs (and got interviews) but they're ultimately not much better than what I have now ....plus I'd feel uneasy starting a new job thinking I could get preggers 2 months in. I've thought about going travelling while I still can (but if I was going to do that i may as well go back to uni).... I've thought of everything a ultimately come back to the same conclusions - I'm trapped and I must be patient!!

[Bea1985]

Just wanted to say thanks again :)

[loopylou1984]

Yes, yes, a million times yes!

We're 2 years ttc now, and I would love nothing more than to give up my job. I just can't give up four months full pay mat leave!

There's nothing we can say to make you feel better, I think the 12 month mark is the hardest, but know that you're not alone and the way you're feeling is completely normal.

Come join us on the 'ttc 10 months and the rest' thread if you like, everyone is lovely. Xx

[loopylou1984]

It's on the conception board, but most people on there are having tests/treatment. Xx

[DaftOne]

Thinking about you today really took me back to the "one year mark" - it is a real low point as sammylou says. You'd think the emotional side would get worse as time goes on but that doesn't seem to be the case! I can remember being in a really bad way last winter (my one year mark). I remember going for a drive with my husband and venting about all the things I was feeling sad and trapped about while ttc, including stupid boring job, stupid suburban house, missed (potential/imaginary) opportunities to travel...! My husband didn't get it at that point. He was still unflustered by our situation and questioned why I was making babies the centre of my world, seeming to imply that only a very boring person would do that and he thought I was better than that! It ended in tears cos I felt so alone and unsuppported... And frustrated... And bereft! Ugh. Well that has changed a lot - he is now right there with me on the frustrated/bereft front (alas) and we communicate and support each other so well now. That has been one really good thing the last year has brought me - the sense of being properly "in it together" with my husband rather than out on my crazy-lady branch. I think if you're a woman who has thought and planned a lot for children, you can get disheartened by fertility probs relatively early on, and when people (especially OH) think you're overreacting it can be such a lonely place. Oh dear, not sure I'm explaining well, I mean obviously I hope you don't get to the two year mark like us, and it sounds like your boyfriend is very supportive anyway, but you might look back and see the reasons why the one year mark felt so very rough and lonely, despite it being "early days".

On a related note, maybe don't expect your friends to say anything sensible about this. Even if they are really lovely and sensitive. They just don't know. I felt very dispirited and alienated by my friends' "advice". I was quite dismayed... but then I worked out the few people I could have good chats with and it got easier.

I so know what you mean about imagining yourself in the future, still "stuck' and getting bitter. But imagining yourself ten years in the future is not realistic. Maybe ask yourself "can I stick this out for another three months and then reassess?" If you are going to start investigations now you will keep getting new information which will allow you to weigh up and make plans - plans based on realistic info rather than on your wildest terrors!

Arggghh it is so so crap. I'm sorry. I think right now you're grieving for the smooth easy experience you naturally expected. As you come to terms with the fact it hasn't been that way for you, you may start to feel less overwhelmed, and start to focus on the individual steps of your own journey. And hopefully of course get a lovely lovely surprise one day very soon!

[Bea1985]

Thanks ladies it's so nice knowing other people know exactly how I feel and also get the "trapped" thing. I can't wait to start getting tests and information and having a bit more of a clue. The last couple of months have been the worst, as I can tell you guys understand. You're so right about the grieving! I guess once you accept the fact that its going to be a longer road than you originally planned and come to terms with that ....well things my start to seem a bit better. I wish I could say to myself "oh what the hell, we've got years before we really need to start worrying about this", but my backs up against the wall at this stage.

One good thing I guess - I'm going to Kraków next weekend and I fully intend to enjoy plenty of Prosecco, starting the minute I walk into the airport. Silver linings! I guess it's important to enjoy being child free whilst simultaneously doing all the right things to get pregnant - a tricky psychological balancing act!

I'll pop over now and join that other thread ??

[Bea1985]

Gosh hearing about you going out for a drive and venting sounds EXACTLY like how I have been feeling / behaving lately. I can't wait until my OH starts to feel the same as me, he does think I I'm being a bit silly and often says "if you're not happy with your job then think about what you want to do and change it!" Arrrgrggghhhh!!!

[DaftOne]

Hahaha, it is strangely comforting to know we all go through the same feelings and behaviours. If your boyfriend is anything like my husband, he just hates to see you sad cos he loves you. And then he cant "fix" it for you so he feels frustrated/irritated. He is also probably worried and guilty that it is "his fault", so wants to play down the trauma of it. God it's not surprising communication can suffer. But yes I think you'll find you move closer together on it, and that's actually another bonus for when you do have your baby, that you have worked through something difficult together and hopefully learned something about supporting each other and how to take care of each other when times are hard. (Professional silver lining spotter here!) GOOD LUCK. And enjoy Krakow.

[loopylou1984]

Bea, have you managed to find the thread? The most recent posters are me, Lucie and Trixie if that helps. X

[Bea1985]

I have yes just now I will do a wave!