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Learning to live without own family

(3 Posts)
zebedee15 Sat 07-Nov-15 04:11:42

I think my stepdaughter is great and mostly think it's a privilege to have her with us the time we do and have that share in family life. However, I'm also finding that it's a constant reminder of not having our own child; how seeing OH with her makes me grieve more for the shared parenting that will never be ours and how, though I feel bad for it, I find the gnawing grief that hits me sometimes when she's there can make me envy the parenting relationship he has that I won't ever experience and that I can't share with him.
Lately, it seems I am the only one I know without kids and everyone else's lives seems filled with family. Will this ever get easier or will it just turn into the pangs of being the only one without grandchildren in a few decades time? It seems so hard to accept the Plan B life at times when every other weekend is spent doing family things with a child I do care for but who will never be mine or see me as a parent etc.
How have other childless step mums who would have loved their own child found their way through these emotions? Lately, I have been drawing back a bit and leaving OH and SD to have their own time or have been honest with OH and found myself openly grieving and crying for the family that we can't share but which I always imagined.
Often it's ok but then when we have these weekends little things catch me and it accentuates how we'll never share family life and the pain just gnaws at me again. I feel I sometimes can't adapt to a life just the two of us as then the pain of seeing even my OH having family life reminds me again of what we'll never share, but would have loved to. When it's just us two I enjoy all we do and manage/put it out of mind so much better but then when it's the three of us it keeps hitting me how sad I am for the family of our own we won't have and whilst I do all I can to make sure he gets as much time and quality with SD and am glad he has that, it's also so hard sometimes as it's the reminder of the gap and I keep seeing family life but then remembering it's not ours. It's like I can't move on and learn to fully enjoy and accept being childless as we are doing all we can to have time with SD etc and little moments just catch me and remind me that it can feel like a charade or like this huge pain that it's not my/our child and we'll never fully share that family experience. I'm not putting this very well but hope it may ring bells with other childless step mums who would have loved their own family.
Really after shared experiences and any ways folk learned to adapt to the new future of no biological children. Thanks x

JessieMcJessie Sat 07-Nov-15 10:39:26

Sorry you feel sad. However I am not sure that you'll get the response you need on this board as so many of us are still trying everything we can to overcome infertility and are nowhere near the acceptance stage yet. Have you tried the step- parents board?

TwinkleStars15 Sat 07-Nov-15 11:51:38

Zebedee - There is a forum on Fertility Friends called 'moving on' which has many lovely ladies on who are in a similar position to you who share advice, talk, get angry etc. I'd really suggest having a look. Alao, have you thought about accessing counselling? Sorry you are finding things so tough right now and I hope you find some answers flowers

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