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The mind numbing boredom of infertility

(1000 Posts)
icy121 Mon 14-Sep-15 20:16:09

Two years. Month in, month out, and no change. I'm finding a huge part of this whole nightmare is trying to cope with the boredom. I bore myself incessantly googling variations of the same question, staying up late at night to the glow of an iPad, reading more and more obscure medical research abstracts. Asking my doctor friend if I can borrow her password so I can see whether the BMJ has any updates from last week. It's fucking monotonous. Nowhere else in my life have I had to strive so hard to get absolutely nowhere.

I don't talk to friends about it, they don't want to hear it and frankly I've cried too many times when it's come up for them to have any sympathy left. They're bored. So we just ignore and and plod on, except I'm not bloody plodding on. I'm wallowing side to side and achieving absolutely fuck all. And secretly dreading the fact they're all getting married and their babies will be on the horizon. I'm going to lose my friends.

I decided not to put my life on hold, got a new job in a small firm, booking holidays but it all feels very empty because what I'm really doing is waiting. And it's so fucking tedious.

Greaterthanthesumoftheparts Mon 14-Sep-15 20:30:04

Totally understand, 18 months for us with no joy, one of my friends gave birth today, part of me is so happy for her but it really highlights our lack of success! I've been putting off getting a new job but should just really get on and do it since it have a horrible commute and would be much happier with a local job. flowers for us both, I know it doesn't really help but at least it makes the place look nicer!

onthematleavecountdown Mon 14-Sep-15 20:32:35

Where abouts are you in terms of investigations?

Elektra83 Mon 14-Sep-15 20:33:27

Omg you put it into words! I agree with everything you said. It is monotonous and miserable! Totally understand the wallowing and not moving on either. I have no suggestions, I'm about to throw myself into work to forget about this whole thing.

We got a cat recently and that's been great, it's given us something to focus on which is good. But it's all just shit really

YouCant Mon 14-Sep-15 20:39:07

It is tedious, all consuming and heart breaking. People who aren't going through the same thing can't possibly understand which is why your friends have reacted the way they do. You've done the right thing not putting life on hold. I did and I really regret it but I always convinced myself that next month might be the month and it never was. Can only really offer a hand hold, it's a shit situation. Can you turn to your DP to talk to whenever you need to?
I always felt that I skirted around how shit I felt so didn't really deal with my hurt but eventually I cracked and had to tell people but that gave me the opportunity to talk it to death and actually realised then that before then I hadn't really dealt with how stressed/upset I was. Once I started talking I felt much better, more in control and less pissed off with everything.

icy121 Mon 14-Sep-15 20:50:49

elektra we got 2 cats in May and they a comfort.

It's so bloody boring. Never moving forward.

The lack of empathy from friends is a real killer. My fiends mum had cancer (in remission now). I've not had cancer, I've never had a relative with cancer but I damn well made sure I made it clear I was there to talk about it. I never, EVER drunkenly said "it could be worse".

Just having one of those evenings.

icy121 Mon 14-Sep-15 20:51:41

Lol @ "fiend" typo... slightly apt .... hmm

GrinAndTonic Mon 14-Sep-15 20:59:28

Preaching to the choir!
I don't bother reading about new forms of fertilisation, calcium or sperm selection anymore. The specialists barely listen. It's just a money making scheme I have decided. The clinics here can do and say as they please (well within reason) and don't have to tell you their failure rates.
As for family, well they barely seem to care. My SIL is giving DC #2 next month. It's her second in 18 months. I know 9 people who are pregnant or have babies this year. I'm sick of baby showers.
You know what? I've said fuck the silly fertility diet. It hasn't worked before so now I no longer care.
Ahh thanks for letting me rant.

You do have to move on in small ways. You only get stuck in a rut dwelling on IVF. Booking a holiday is great. I didn't book any for ages because what if I was pregnant. I'm now missing out on a dear friends 50th South Pacific cruise. I'm the only (well DH too) one not going. Enjoy your new job, have fun at friends weddings and don't let it eat you up.

k8liz77 Mon 14-Sep-15 21:31:15

You've no idea how much reading this has just cheered me up! I'm soooo sick of the roller coaster of crap that is ttc. We've been trying for over 4 yrs now. We did by some miracle conceive naturally last October but I had a mmc at 10wks. We can have IVF but I need to lose about a stone in weight to get it on the NHS and you know what, to be totally honest, I can't be bothered. Because I just feel like giving up and moving on with my life. Most of my friends don't even mention anything about me ttc anymore, it's been so long now,what else is there to say? I'm so sick of it all, it's boring.

onthematleavecountdown Mon 14-Sep-15 21:36:28

I meant to say. It took 4 years and 3 months from the first month ttc till my ds was born. It was shit. Fucking shit. Everyone I knew was pregnant and I was sick of fielding questions on when we would have a baby. You sound like you are just having a rough day. Keep up your research. It proved invaluable to me. I actually suggested a course of treaent to my nhs clinic. They were not very keen. It worked.

onthematleavecountdown Mon 14-Sep-15 21:40:07

K8liz77**

So you think you are avoiding losing weight so you don't need to face the reality of doing a cycle? Or are you maybe afraid it won't work? I worked along the lines of "if I don't try then i can't fail". I finally lost the weight and gave it a shot. It took a few attempts and it worked. Just don't regret not trying something. It might just work

Whoknewitcouldbeso Mon 14-Sep-15 21:47:47

Fertility acupuncture really helped break my baron period between miscarriages. Might be worth a go!

jessplussomeonenew Mon 14-Sep-15 21:48:39

We had 2 years ttc before a natural BFP. I found Anya Sizer's book Fertile Thinking (hate the title but a great book!) really helpful with dealing with the psychological stress of infertility - she has some tips which I found really helpful like allowing yourself a fixed amount of time every day for researching/worrying/mourning yet another AF, and then trying really hard to do other stuff the rest of the time so it doesn't take over your life. It helped me to shift my emphasis from "get pregnant or bust" to "give myself the best chance of getting pregnant while staying myself".

k8liz77 Mon 14-Sep-15 21:51:33

onthemat * I think a bit of both. I'm avoiding doing it wholeheartedly because when I do get to my target weight it's reality time and so many hopes of my DH and my friends and family are pinned on IVF, I can't face the failure. I'm also scared if it doesn't work what affect that'll have on me psychologically. I guess it's just hard to keep thinking positive after all this time.

k8liz77 Mon 14-Sep-15 21:55:30

Thanks Jess and who knew. I've heard positive things about acupuncture, so I think I'm going to look into it more. I like the sound of the book, you're right, crappy title but it sounds like just what I need smile

PotatoesPastaAndBread Mon 14-Sep-15 22:00:29

You are so right icy
30 months here
30 dull dull months
We've tried everything from high protein diet to no alcohol to acupuncture to chinese fertility pills to to drinking milk to artificial insemination to ... I don't fucking care.
And do you know what's more boring than month after month of BFNs?
The advice. The endless fucking advice. "Just relax" "take a holiday" "try acupuncture / soy / whatever fucking thing that worked for my friend so it must work for you"
Except it never does.

Thanks for the chnace to rant!

icy121 Mon 14-Sep-15 22:41:15

"It'll happen when you least expect it" - HAR HAR HAR. They know nothing. Fucking n00bs.

Sunshineandsilverbirch Mon 14-Sep-15 22:52:14

icy it's very hard. flowers

We actively made efforts to channel our energies into other things.

We both focused on our careers and were promoted.

We did a massive building project.

We travelled.

We spent time actively considering our plan B. If, in the end, we didn't have children, what kind of life would we build?

Through it all, most of our friends and siblings produced at least one and mostly two children. We stood as Godparents several times and attended lots of birthday parties and
Christenings. We didn't lose our friends but it took effort on our part.

It took us more than six years. But we have two wonderful children. And they are worth every day that we waited.

I really, really hope things work out for you and your DH as they have for us. Look after yourself.

UnGoogleable Mon 14-Sep-15 23:14:30

Another one here. 2.5 years, and I'm so bloody numb to it all now.

Every. Single. Fucking. Person who I have spoken to about my struggle to conceive has told me story about a friend of a friend who just relaxed / got drunk / forgot about it and it happened. Even my bloody Gynae consultant said "Just relax!" AAArgh!

And you know what, I've realised that the 'just relaxed and accidentally fell pregnant' stories are bullshit. Because what really happens is that people try for years, then start getting investigations, learn about their cycles, go on clomid, lose weight, stop smoking, or have a failed IVF which re-boots their system -whatever - something changes in their health or life style which wasn't there before.

So I've realised 2 things.

1. The trying isn't awful, because I'm not trying for failure, I'm trying for success so that's my goal and I might just get there.

2. If I don't get there, I'll be ok. I have a great life, and a great DH. I will be OK and will have a happy life. It might be different to what I want, but I'll be ok.

Sunshineandsilverbirch Mon 14-Sep-15 23:17:13

UnGoogle point 2 is really important.

onthematleavecountdown Tue 15-Sep-15 08:30:55

K8liz77

I could have written that post. In the end we didn't tell anyone when we actually started the cycle. It was too much pressure. It was our second cycle that resulted in ds. After the first failed I cried and cried and cried. I was not going through it again, I couldn't face another failure. I was broken. I went to counselling at the nhs conception unit and it really helped. I went into the next cycle with a fresher attitude. I wasn't expecting it to work, I was just prepared for it not working. I was already looking at adoption agencies.

I have been where you all are and i often think how can i help others. It is shitty, jealousy inducing at another fucking Facebook bfp, a forced smile when asked if you are honking about having a family. It sucks. But if you try it can work. If it doesn't, you will never wonder what if.

PotatoesPastaAndBread Tue 15-Sep-15 08:33:14

I literally cannot understand what is going through the heads of people who say things like "oh I had a friend who struggled and they got pregnant unexpectedly / on holiday / before they stated ivf etc"

If you lost your job would I say " oh that's funny, I've got a friend who managed not to lose her job". If your mum died would I say " hmmmm, I've got friends who just relaxed and their mothers didn't die"

No

So why can't people listen and say "that sounds tough". No platitudes. No misplaced "advice". No stories that stab you in the heat. Just plain sympathy.

ummm, I think you might have released a valve op!

UnGoogleable Tue 15-Sep-15 10:08:37

If you lost your job would I say " oh that's funny, I've got a friend who managed not to lose her job". If your mum died would I say " hmmmm, I've got friends who just relaxed and their mothers didn't die"

grin this made me smile. I'm going to use that the next time someone says it to me!!

Chattycat78 Tue 15-Sep-15 11:48:33

Yep- hearing it here too. I had to do ivf and I was very upset about it (I had already had a miscarriage when I found out). I confided in someone at work who was meant to be a friend. I knew she was pregnant when I told her about this. The next day she set up a team meeting/invite for evweyone to "vote" on what sex her baby might be before their twenty week scan. I was gutted at the insensitivity of it, especially because no one else in my team knew what I was going through.

People are completely insensitive and have no idea at all.

I might add that the ivf worked for us- which is amazing of course. However Im still wincing daily at all the talk of future second children from other people who got pregnsnt in 5 minutes the previous time. Most notably, last week, one Of my Nct friends told me that her"plan" was to get pregnant in June next year for the optimal spacing between children. Haha - it was hard to keep a straight face! People really really do have no idea and take their fertility for granted.

Jackie0 Tue 15-Sep-15 11:56:27

God I remember that feeling so well
It was so boring, I couldn't even be assed talking about it eventually .
I heard all the lines too. I ran out if all emotion in the end , couldn't even roll my eyes at them.
I don't know if I have any pearls of wisdom but I can tell you I came out the other side.
10 years , 4 ivfs , thousands of pounds of debt, lost my confidence and with that my job but my marriage is sound and I started my own business and we are in a good place now. I do feel like my 30s were sacrificed for nothing though but what else could I do?

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