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Dealing with being told we can't conceive natrually

(4 Posts)
randombanana Sun 05-Jul-15 14:20:04

Just wanted to share this as I'm hoping others on here have been in the same situation. DH and I have been married for 3 months, together for just over 2 years and have a DD (my DSD), 7, who is with us regularly but not full time. We are both 37. DH had a vasectomy shortly after his DD was born while still married to her mother, but got it reversed last year as we both want more children together (we talked about this on our second date!). We paid for the VR privately, despite not being very well off, and we're fully expecting it to work, feel a bit silly about that now.

DH got the results in April and was told by his GP that there is no hope of us being able to conceive naturally. We have had no contact from the private clinic or the surgeon since the day of the op, which seems pretty shoddy aftercare, but we don't have the energy to deal with that along with everything else. Anyway, we have decided that there's no way we can afford IVF (and feel a bit weird about it anyway after the VR experience). We'd like to adopt and both feel that is the right thing to do, but feel a bit exhausted with everything right now. DH has lost both his father and grandfather to cancer in the past year so things have been pretty horrible for him all round.

I feel totally lost, my friends are all having wonderful healthy babies just now and I'm delighted for them, but I feel so sad for us. We are trying to look on the positive side and to just enjoy being married for a while before we start any adoption process, despite knowing that that might take years. I'm trying to get used to the idea that I'll never be pregnant, I think I'm ok with it - I don't see any reason why I won't be able to bond beautifully with any child in my care and DH feels the same, but there's a weird feeling of disbelief in me that I can't shake. Are we going through a grieving process? Has anyone else dealt with this?

18yearsoftrying Sun 05-Jul-15 21:13:47

I can relate to what you say. You're grieving every month, you probably grieve every time you hear about a new baby, or see one or have to into the supermarket & just want to avoid the baby aisle.

You may also be in shock.

For me, anger, a real passionate firey anger was dominant. I hated thise close to me that ignored my feelings & a lot of the time it felt like they were rubbing my face in it, when actually they weren't, I was just being far too sensitive.

I looked into adopting as my in-laws thought it was a good 'plan b' and have to say, there were an awful lot of positives. I especially loved that I would have been able to communicate with them & explain that s/he was wanted so much that we went out of our way for him/her.

You're upset because the choice to conceive may have been taken away from you, I know that's where my anger came from. It's your body, therefore it's your right to decide.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Silverturnip Sun 05-Jul-15 21:21:40

First off....flowers
It's shit... I find that people get a little confused around secondary infertility and don't get that you want another child and no that doesn't mean you're not still totally made let in love still with your DC.
I wonder how you feel about giving yourself time to grieve. You've lost the chance of having the life you had planned.

sarahlux Sun 05-Jul-15 21:23:58

Me and my partner were in a similar position.
We found out that we would only be able to concieve with donor sperm and due to us not having children we were eligible for a round on the NHS.

We didn't do the round and have taken the adoption route and are patiently awaiting a match at the moment.

You do need to grieve for what may have been and also come to terms with it which I do know is very difficult.

We still find it hard now when people announce pregnancies and have healthy babies, for us it felt like everyone seemed to be pregnant. The day we found out about the infertility my sister in law announced her pregnancy which was like a kick in the stomach. However it does get easier, you do accept it in a way. And I feel that we can both get excited about other peoples pregnancies now.

Give your self time as what you feel now may change in the upcoming months...it did with us.

Regarding adoption research research and research. It isn't am easy process and at the moment children are not been put up for adoption due to the family courts. Head over to the adoption board...I found that place invaluable.

All I can really say is that it does take time and it isn't an easy journey no matter which route you do decide.

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