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I never thought it would be this hard

(38 Posts)
NeverThought Fri 05-Jun-15 15:38:25

I never thought it would be this hard.
I only wanted a baby.
I never thought it would take years.
I never thought it could destroy me.
I never thought I'd watch my husband play with our friends children and feel heart crushing guilt.
I never thought I'd wish he'd never met me.
I never thought my body could let me down like this.
I never thought I'd become a recluse.
I never thought I'd wince at the sight of a pram.
I never thought I'd resent my friends for falling pregnant effortlessly, numerous times.
I never thought I'd be in this place years down the line.
I never thought I'd panic at pregnancy announcements on Facebook.
I never thought I'd avoid friends for fear of 'good news'.
I never thought I'd have to put on a brave face so often.
I never thought you could hide a broken heart so well.
I never thought I'd wish I was somebody else.
I never thought I wouldn't be happy for people expecting a baby.
I never thought I could be so two faced.
I never thought I'd have to lie so much about how I am.
I never thought I could want something so much.
I never thought I'd have to resort to fertility drugs.
I never thought I would stare into my future and see nothing but loneliness and heartbreak.
I never thought I would be so scared.
I never thought I'd feel so unhappy.
I never thought it could happen to me.
I never thought I would grieve for someone that never existed.
I never thought I would hate myself and my life.
I only want a baby. I didn't know it would be this hard, I never thought.

peachy2410 Fri 05-Jun-15 16:37:45

Been there done that got the t-shirt. Tried for a baby several years, went through fertility treatment and hating the world for it cos my body didn't work like everyone else's. I know it's easy to say but time helps. Infertility broke my world, ruined my marriage, ruined me. But, 18 months on I let go. I forced myself to find something else to think of, try sth new that u never thought u cud do, set urself a challenge (don't get me wrong it wasn't easy and was always in my head) easier said than done I know. But I'm proof it can work. My life has turned on its head totally, and after being told I'd never have children in October 2014 my life has totally changed for the better and it's looking like I can. There's hope for everyone, try release yourself from the pressure. Sending big hugs your way from someone who felt exactly how u described not very long ago xx

lugo40 Fri 05-Jun-15 21:12:56

Beautifully written and so true. I'm fairly early on in this awful journey but can already relate to so many of the things you say and I never thought it would be like this.

Remember your not alone and I'm sorry you are going through this.

MagpieCursedTea Fri 05-Jun-15 21:48:47

thanks

I hope you can find your happiness.

whatlifestylechoice Fri 05-Jun-15 21:53:47

I'm sorry, Never. I'm going through Ivf as well and it's a bitch. I have no advice, but you're not alone. Take care of yourself.

sammylou1 Fri 05-Jun-15 22:31:55

You just brought me to tears. That's exactly how I feel. Xx

thejoysofboys Fri 05-Jun-15 22:38:34

Hugs, Never. Infertility sucks. I'm now on the other side of successful IVF(ICSI) and thank my lucky stars every day. Even so, for a good while after I had my baby, I still resented those who got pregnant so easily and popped out one child after another.
You're in the toughest place right now. I hope one day you find a peaceful and positive end to your heartbreak x

NeverThought Fri 05-Jun-15 23:34:13

It's comforting to know I'm not alone. I feel like the loneliest person in the world at the moment. I know this is just a bad patch and every now and again I have a good week and feel hopeful but I always end up back here. Stuck in limbo, life on hold, watching the years slip by, another birthday, ovaries ageing.

It's just so fucking depressing. I'm a shadow of my former self, battling to keep my head above water. I feel like I'm screaming inside. The world carries on, people ask how it's going but I can't tell them the truth. I'd fall apart.

It's not fair. It's torturous. I'm so utterly beaten down by this horrible affliction named infertility! I still hope for my happy ending on good days but all I see in the bleak moments is a lonely old lady, wondering 'what if'. Nobody in real life understands. I feel like my soul is suffocating sad I've been through some terrible times in my life but the longevity and roller coaster nature of this trumps them all.

Fuck you infertility. Fuck fucking you.

blacktreaclecat Sat 06-Jun-15 05:48:56

I'm so sorry you are going through this. We ttc for 3 years and 2 losses, we tried Clovis and Ivf. I hit rock bottom mentally too.
The first Ivf worked and our fabulous little boy is 3 soon.
Fingers crossed for you xxx

blacktreaclecat Sat 06-Jun-15 05:49:45

Clomid not Clovis! Autocorrect!

ItsRainingInBaltimore Sat 06-Jun-15 05:56:10

Never how old are you and what have you tried so far? Have you had IVF yet?

So sorry you are going through this, I wish you some good luck soon. flowers

patienceisvirtuous Sat 06-Jun-15 06:25:32

I am sorry. I know exactly how you feel. The staring into the future thing is horrific. But it's a hypothetical worry. There's every chance your future will be great.

The best advice I got was from my dad - take each day at a time. Don't look further ahead than today/tomorrow.

Thinking of you and hoping very much that you get your happy ending... X

Lifeasafish Sun 07-Jun-15 09:09:05

You are not alone. You have eloquently captured exactly how I feel.

In fact, I am going to print your post.

(TTC 5 years, x3 IVF, x3 MC's, current RMC investions before anotherFET)

Lifeasafish Sun 07-Jun-15 09:09:37

flowers for you OP.

Lovethebubbles Sun 07-Jun-15 09:22:39

This bought tears to my eyes. I saw my best friend go through this and she said all of those things you did. She started to hate herself for feeling those things but it's an understandable reaction. Life is so bloody cruel sometimes. I really hope things work out for you and in the mean time, rant and vent away on here if it helps. flowers

Trooperslane Sun 07-Jun-15 09:28:47

thanksnever.

8 years, 2 miscarriages (early), 2 ivf, 2 icsi, £20k (no IDEA where all that came from).

Miracle DD is beside me but I'm off work after losing a surprise baby at 14 weeks. Had to deliver. sad

I totally understand. I have felt all the things you posted. I wish no one felt this way and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

You are most definitely not alone. It is the loneliest place in the world.

X

NeverThought Sun 07-Jun-15 21:58:19

I'm sorry for all your stories of struggle and loss. And happy for those who have had success. I don't get the same feelings of resentment when somebody has a baby after a long struggle, I'm fully aware this sounds messed up but that's the place I'm in right now.

It is nice to know I'm not alone. I feel alone. We haven't tried IVF yet, everything but. I have had a few health setbacks over the past 12 months and in all honesty, I was hoping for a miracle. It's almost laughable that I would think after three years, "this month could be it!". My own positive thoughts irritate me. I feel hopeless. My recent birthday hasn't helped, this time last year (and the years before) I thought that by my next birthday we would have a child to share it with. I'm terrified of an IVF failure, I feel it would push me into despair, from which I couldn't recover. I feel stuck.

I hate my life right now. Thank you for listening sad

forcookssake Sun 07-Jun-15 22:05:29

Hear, hear. I'm there too and it's unrelenting isn't it sad

RandomMess Sun 07-Jun-15 22:09:23

Just flowers because there are no words sad

Trooperslane Mon 08-Jun-15 06:17:33

Never - it's so, so hard.

When we started ivf I felt more in control, even got a kick out of injecting myself.

I found it not so hard when to start...the difficulty for me was knowing when to stop. I'd still go again tomorrow but too soon after the loss of our surprise baby.

Good luck and be VERY kind to yourself.

Chattycat78 Mon 08-Jun-15 17:35:33

I'm so sorry. Your post really touched me too. I have felt all of those things too and it makes you hate the person you have become but life is so so unfair. I really hope you have a happy ending. I understand the reservation about doing ivf but it worked first time for me and I am typing this next to my 20 week old baby. I used to read posts like this one I'm typing now and think that it would never happen for me but it did and it can happen for you too. Ps I still feel irrationally angry when other people get pregnant without effort- I don't think that feeling leaves you.

gabsdot45 Tue 09-Jun-15 16:01:14

Your post is the most 'true' piece I've ever read about infertility. It's just crap.
Hugs to you

gabsdot45 Tue 09-Jun-15 16:27:22

i mean infertility is crap, not your piece. It's brilliant

Trooperslane Tue 16-Jun-15 15:16:13

How are you, NT?

icy121 Tue 16-Jun-15 19:43:34

Can relate to all of that OP. Made me cry a bit.

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