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anyone come off facebook due to infertility? and anyone gone straight for adoption?

(38 Posts)
lugo40 Thu 28-May-15 10:47:32

hi ll

i have posted quite a lot this morning so i apologise - we had the news yesterday that Husbands sperm motility is low,were awaiting second result to confirm but it looks like ICSI will be needed. AS its so new i have loads of questions and emotions are high!!!

Firstly - my facebook newsfeed is completely full of photos of baby's. Has anyone decided to suspend their facebook account while going through this? i feel like it could be a good idea. The more photos i see of more people getting pregnant, enjoying days out with their baby, moaning that their baby is "hard work" the more i want to cry.

Secondly- starting to research a little into IVF today. Did anyone decide to not try IVF and go straight for adoption? I am really not sure that i want to go through with IVF.

x

tea4two4three Thu 28-May-15 16:49:51

Yes and yes :-)
It was the scan pics that used wind me up. Every time someone declared their pregnancy via a scan pic I deleted them. I'm sure you will also be seeing pregnant women everywhere and watching people conceive and safely deliver their children in the time you have been try and not left the starting blocks.
We were offered IVF but I knew from the start it wasn't for me for so many different reasons least of all its invasive, not guaranteed and would just add to the heart break. We went straight for adoption and now have a beautiful DS who i love more with each day, makes me ache with pride and I dread to think what would have happened if I'd never got to know him.
Everything happens for a reason they say. I believe that 100%.
Do what feels right for you. which ever route you choose to take will be incredibly tough but it is certainly worth it in the end xxxxx

lugo40 Thu 28-May-15 17:14:50

I am so happy to read your post and see that all worked out for you. The more i read about IVF the less keen i am. But i have a lot of weight to lose before i will even be considered so i guess i should lose the weight and that will give us a cooling off period to think about whether we actually want IVF or not. PArtly it depends on the second result of husbands sperm test, his motility was low first time but we don't know how low - he didn't ask. If its so low that there is no chance he could father a child even withICSI then its an easy choice as i would not want to carry anyone else's baby. Adoption has always appealed to me so maybe thats the way forward for us.

I have now suspended by facebook account smile

Thank you for sharing your story. How did you find the adoption process?

tea4two4three Thu 28-May-15 17:32:38

We were incredibly lucky and had a fantastic social worker, a great group of people that we went through training with and we were matched to our little one fairly quickly. That said it was still harrowing at times learning about abuse and neglect and the effects it has on children, there is a great sense of loss from all parties involved which is sad and sometimes difficult to deal with and it is incredibly frustrating as you feel so out of control and waiting...there is a lot of waiting.
If you have weight to loose I would recommend doing that as well as it is something they will call you up on. You have a goal though use it as your motivation :-) good luck whichever path you take xxx

lugo40 Thu 28-May-15 18:51:56

I have weight to lose and we have a house to renovate so those are what we will concentrate on for the next year and then we can decide to either pursue ivf or adoption. With any luck a year of both being healthier, taking vitamins, exercising and loosing weight will be all we need.

I am so glad to read your story
xxx

Ilikesweetpeas Thu 28-May-15 18:56:11

Whatever you decide I wish you good luck. I also found the scan pics on FB agonising. In my case I had IVF which worked on round 3 and I have a lovely DD. Had it not worked we would have explored adoption. Whatever you decide is the right parenting route for you I hope it goes smoothly flowers

kendramilnate Mon 27-Jul-15 15:54:55

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

isitjustme75 Mon 27-Jul-15 16:14:21

Hello OP, i understand how you feel about facebook, it's the scan pics that upset me the most, I hide the posters!

We have our first IVF appointment in september, I am nervous about the procedures but feel it's a means to an end, good luck to you.

Patientlywaiting1984 Tue 28-Jul-15 14:20:00

Hi Lugo,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation- it really is incredibly stressful and emotional isn't it? I hope you take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. My husband and I are in a very similar situation. We are both 31 and found out last week that my husband doesn't have any sperm in his semen. We have just done another sperm test and are waiting for an appointment with a consultant. It might be that DH has a blockage and it still producing sperm, in which case we might be able to go for IVF or ICSI. It could also be a hormonal issue, which would be more complicated.

It sounds like you're going through the same thought process as me- I also suspended my Facebook account this morning and DH and I have just had a chat about whether to go straight for adoption too. I just don't know what to do, but I guess we need time to process the news and decide slowly.

I'm not sure I have any words of wisdom or anything as this is so new to us too, but I thought I'd share my story. For me, I feel really alone so thank you so much for sharing your story.

Wishing you the absolute best of luck! xx

lugo40 Tue 28-Jul-15 18:23:30

Hi patientlywaiting, thanks for getting in touch. I'm sorry your going through this too. We are slightly further along but not much. Husband has had 3 SA now and seen a urologist. We're awaiting a 4th and an uss and hormone bloods to determine if it's a blockage or just not producing. One means icsi one means donor sperm- if we want to persue it.
I found it initially ok as got stuck into the research but now I'm finding it ever increasingly difficult. Crying a lot, feel sad. So many unknowns and so much waiting too. Do you have a date to a consultant yet? Have you also been referred to urology?

I hope we both get some good news soon. I think our next appointment will tell us if icsi is an option then we need to decide whether to persue it, go for donor soerm, or go for adoption. Not small decisions and so very hard to talk about as others just do not understand. My friend thinks it all sounds positive. And another just knows we will have a baby. I no they don't mean harm it's just so hard to understand unless you are going through it.

lugo40 Tue 28-Jul-15 18:24:49

I'm also going to start counselling this week. Maybe be useful for you too? To sound off to someone impartial. I find it hard at home as I don't want husband to feel bad, so I just felt I needed someone impartial to talk to about how I feel

Patientlywaiting1984 Wed 29-Jul-15 10:54:22

Hi Lugo,

Yes, it sounds like you're a little further along then us, but I see us going down exactly the same route. My DH has just made an appointment for a blood test to try to work out whether the issue is hormonal or a blockage. Our GP has also said that he will make the referral to see a urologist this week. How long did it take before you saw a urologist? I think the waiting is one of the worst bits of all this... It just feels like such a long road ahead. I wish I could fast forward two (or more?) months and know what the issue is and what our options are.

You're right about few people really understanding all this.... I've told a few friends but they don't really know what to say and seem convinced that it'll all be ok and we'll get our baby. Even though I am trying to keep hold of those positive thoughts, I'm absolutely petrified of having too much hope and positivity, only to come crashing down again. When we found out that my DH had no sperm in his semen, we were absolutely devastated and it felt like a bereavement. My brain is just not letting me getting too hopefull or positive... perhaps a defence mechanism? The consequence of this is that I feel miserable and teary all the time... I just don't know what to do. I think you're right, though, counselling could help so I will pursue that.

Wishing you all the best! I hope counselling helps a little and I hope we both get good news, or any news, soon x

lugo40 Wed 29-Jul-15 13:05:34

Hi patientlywaiting,

I really feel for you because reading what you write it could have been written by me! I think we were very lucky because husband got referred to urology on 15th june and he was seen 23rd july so 6weeks from referral. On 23rd July the urologist did a physical examination of the testes and prostate. Also to check for even distribution of pubic hair - i guess thats an indicator of hormones?! took a history too. He then explained that he was going to refer for an ultrasound of the testes to check for an blockages that are the reason theres very few sperm getting through, gave a form for hormonal bloods to see if thats the reason the sperm is low and not moving, and also requested another SA. So he was referred for uss on 24th July and the appointment came through today for 16th august. We also received a follow up appointment for urologist for 24th september. So its waiting but i was expecting it to be much worse. Its just awful knowing that at that appointment we will be told if Husband can ever father a child, and then we need to decide if we are comfortable with donor sperm or not. MY husband decided to try vitamins so he is taking FertaliseM i think they are called - they get good results in research trials so we thought the expense was worth a try for 3 months.

Unfortunately for us once we see the urologist in september its then a long waiting game because my bmi is too high for ivf - its coming down though. I requested a copy of the policy from my local ccg so i understood how the funding works and it says bmi to be under 29.9 for 6 months before assessments can start. Which was a shock! It also states the 3 hospital choices for ivf so i contacted them yesterday and they said they have no waiting list, the referral will be made by the urologist and then once they receive it we could start within 6 weeks - which again i was shocked and pleased with. I just need my bmi down first and praying they don't find anytihng wrong with me in the mean time. If we both had low fertility i am not sure what i would do.

I saw a counsellor through work a few times and that was really helpful, i felt like i was being silly for being so upset as i too felt i was grieving and i felt guilty for being so sad when my husband is the one who needs my support. She really helped me to see that actually how i am feeling is completely normal reaction as its a huge deal. I have taken some time off work to help me deal with it all as i work as a health visitor so thats been tough. I think counselling is great as gives you time to really sort out what your emotions are and not have someone trying to make you feel positive all the time but just sit with you and listen.

How do you feel about IVF? i was very against it to start with, and even now the thought of it makes me really anxious. If its the only way that i can carry my husbands child though its something i think i will face. It sounds awful but when donor sperm was mentioned part of me felt relief that i wouldn't necessarily need ivf but could do iui instead. The emotions that go with this are insane.

I feel like i have just waffled on and on but having just had the appointment you are waiting for i thought it might be helpful to share. We were not expecting a physical exam on the day so if it helps you to know what you might expect then i am glad.

please keep in touch - be great to support each other through this awful time. Any time you need to talk please do - i will message you my email address
x

gabsdot45 Wed 29-Jul-15 15:02:57

We have MFI too and we did part of an IVF cycle, it was cancelled before the egg collection part because no sperm was collected in the TESA.
Anyway, it worked out well for us because we had total closure on chance of having biological children. We moved straight to adoption and we have adopted 2 children.
Our thought was that with IVF there was no garauntee of a baby, in fact the odds were quite poor really.
With adoption we knew if we just kept going through the process we would definitely have a baby at the end.
Good luck

lugo40 Wed 29-Jul-15 18:23:01

gabsdot45 thanks for sharing. Can i ask before you decided to adopt were you sure you wanted to try ivf and was it a quick decision to then go for adoption? i guess we have a few unknowns still which isn't helping but decision making is proving difficult as i'm so confused about what i want

Laura7883 Thu 30-Jul-15 20:05:30

Hi all, we are going through a similar situation. DHs samples have either no sperm, dead sperm and one sample had one grade B sperm (a lone trooper!!) He has both hormonal probs and a blockage. Low testosterone at 7.2 and high FSH and left testicle blocked so waiting for a urology app for micro TESE. We've both said all along if we have kids we want our own and don't want to adopt. DH also felt this way about donor sperm but I'm hoping he'll change his mind.

Gabsdot how was your partner after his TESE, was he in a lot of pain? Did it effect ejaculation afterwards??

Laura7883 Thu 30-Jul-15 20:14:54

Just reading more of your comments...Blimey Lugo can't believe you're a health visitor and going through all of this, you're so brave. And yes I am sorely tempted to uninstall facebook, literally every one I know is pregnant.

My DH is taking wellman conception and having weekly acupuncture specifically for male infertility which has good results in trials.

Good luck to us all!

lugo40 Thu 30-Jul-15 21:28:00

Hi Laura, I'm not that brave - I've resigned and currently off sick lol it got too much. Was Tese and icsi your only option? I just wondered if they can give drugs / hormones. We had a chat yesterday about how far are we willing to go- I'm definitely not keen on the drugs that go with Ivf and husband said yesterday if he has something wrong with him it non obstructive then maybe donor sperm is better option. I think it's too early to make those decisions.

Keep us posted on how you get on- do you have a date got urology yet?

lugo40 Thu 30-Jul-15 21:29:25

Ps I came off Facebook 2 months ago and I do not miss it at all! I recommend it

Laura7883 Thu 30-Jul-15 22:14:22

I think you're even braver then for resigning from your job! Apparently having testosterone as a supplement causes a negative feedback loop which tricks the body into thinking it's made enough so doesn't actually do anything. ICSI is our only option but there isn't enough sperm in his samples so have to see if they can find some in TESE. Not got a date yet. Best not to make a decision until you're in that situation, we change our minds all the time until we actually have to make the decision.

TwinkleStars15 Thu 30-Jul-15 23:46:19

Same for me too, DH was told recently he has no sperm. He has low testosterone at 9 and really high FSH at 64! We're waiting for our first appointment at the fertility clinic, it looks like our only hope is micro tese, but I'm not even confident that will work. Like you laura we don't want to look into adoption and DH won't consider donor sperm, so it's all or nothing for us. I'm a child protection social worker and finding it really difficult, I haven't told anyone at work yet as I haven't really come to terms with it yet. I have also deactivated my facebook for the same reasons as you all.

Laura7883 Fri 31-Jul-15 18:42:34

That must be so hard Twinklestars working with children all day, and neglected ones too. I'm trying not to get my hopes up with the micro TESE so as not to be absolutely gutted if it doesn't work. Your DH might change his mind about donor sperm, I think mine will if the tese doesn't work.

lugo40 Thu 06-Aug-15 10:08:40

Wow I'm so sorry twinkle stars, such a tough job to do when all you want yourself is a baby and would look after it.

It's sad but I'm also comforted to read so many others in the exactly same position as us. It feels like a big waiting game now while I lose weight. I'm guessing they won't do Tese until I'm ready for Ivf? Or will they and if they get any freeze it until we're ready? It will be 6-9 months before I'm rewady fir Ivf so if they can't get any sperm through Tese I would rather know now so we have time to think of donor versus adoption.

How's everyone doing?

Laura7883 Thu 06-Aug-15 22:00:07

Hi Lugo DH got a date for his urology app, Monday at 9am so quite pleased that's come through quickly. I think they'll get sperm first and freeze until you're ready. That's what our doc said anyway. Keep bloody waiting!

lugo40 Thu 06-Aug-15 23:16:42

That's fantastic Laura. I hope all goes well and you get a plan and good care. Let us know! How you both feeling about it?

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