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Talking to friends

(17 Posts)
Amara123 Mon 06-Apr-15 11:52:05

Hi all

I just wanted to post something about this whole conception journey. Hubby and I have been trying for a while. I don't know but I felt all that time that something was not right and eventually went to get some blood tests...which now lead to me starting clomid this week. I'm a pretty open person and have good close relationships with friends but literally feel I can't talk about this. If I open my mouth nothing comes out. It feels kind of isolating and I am almost cordoning myself off until I have completed treatment and whatever happens happens. Do you girls talk to your friends about how you are feeling or do you feel as I do?

victoria401 Mon 06-Apr-15 13:00:58

Hi amara Sorry to hear you feel unable to talk about your situation. I have been lucky enough to share my ttc troubles with a few friends and family, and even a few people at work! The first time I told someone cautiously ended up feeling like a massive weight lifted off my shoulders! It then got easier to tell others. If you do have a special mum, sister, friend then I would highly recommend sharing. There is no shame in fertility problems, its more common than people realise. Best of luck with the clomid x

Tootsiepops Mon 06-Apr-15 13:02:45

I had IVF Feb / March and husband and I didn't tell a single soul. Not even our parents. I couldn't have coped with the weight of expectation from friends / family so just said nothing. Even if I had said something, none of them have any experience of fertility problems, so with the best will in the world, I don't think they would have been able to provide the sort of support I needed. I used infertility boards instead when I felt a bit crazy - I found it more useful to share with and learn from women going through the same as me.

middles809 Mon 06-Apr-15 13:32:35

I plan on keeping my friends in the loop with our journey/diagnosis. A couple of my friends have babies and no problems but one does have issues which she talks to us about. My OH is quite a closed person and doesn't like talking about stuff but I need to talk and talk and talk. Forums are useful but talking really helps me deal with things.

Amara123 Mon 06-Apr-15 20:15:10

Thanks ladies. I guess I sometimes feel like I am in the middle maelstrom of feelings; disappointment, embarrassment that there is something wrong and a bit of fear because I dont know what is going to happen next. I am finding these threads a godsend as it makes me feel a bit more normal. I've said it elsewhere in other threads but all I hear from my friends how easy they found getting pregnant. It makes confiding in them so so hard.

CatnipMouse Tue 07-Apr-15 08:56:47

Hello Amara. I have told quite a few people and haven't really regretted it. I am quite selective though and haven't told people who I think have a gossipy tendency (apart from some family members unfortunately) as I don't want to be a hot topic. Some of my friends have also had some similar issues that they shared with me in the past so I felt I could trust them. I think there is a lot to be gained from talking about it, I personally do not regret being fairly open.

The only thing is that some people can disappoint you by being less supportive than you might have expected (most people have been great). Also of course if it doesn't work there are more people who are sad for you.

It is good to have someone other than your partner to talk to / complain and cry at. And by talking about it you help demystify and destigmatise IVF (not that this should really be your job unless you want it to be of course)

BlueKarou Tue 07-Apr-15 14:24:44

Hi Amara,

It's a tricky one, isn't it? I'm about to start my first cycle of IVF. I'm using donor sperm and am not in a relationship, so in many ways I feel quite alone. I'm fortunate to have a good support network, including my mother and my best friend. Plus have told a select group of friends as I spend a lot of time with them, including some overnight camping trips as the months get warmer, and I think they'd notice my phone going off whenever I needed to go do whichever drugs I'm on at that time!

All the same, I find myself sort of desperate to talk about it a lot, especially now it's getting close, but holding back because I don't want to monopolise every conversation/share more than other people are comfortable hearing. I'm also holding back a bit because I don't want to have to face too many people if it doesn't work.

I've found it very handy to have MN around to talk to/talk at. I've got a thread under a different username (not because I'm hiding, just because I fancied a namechange since then) which I've used as a place to just spew out my thoughts at different stages of the process so far. Drop me a PM if you want a link. It's not thrilling reading, but it's interesting to me to remind myself that this has been almost 12 months in the making, and there's still at least another two months to go before my first stick-peeing moment.

Amara123 Thu 09-Apr-15 19:26:07

Hi all. Big thanks for taking the time to respond about this. I felt really out of sorts earlier this week. Since I last posted we got my husbands semen analysis results and he has a low count. He is a super healthy individual and has been on well man vits for about 6 months so I can't see what he can do to help them improve. Our GP who suggested my clomid trial now feels we need to go to a clinic as both of us have challenges. So I have sorted out that referral. it feels like the hill we have to climb is so much steeper but in some way I am glad we know what's up. Blukarou I think I know your thread and it is amazing what you have done. I really hope it goes well for you all!

icy121 Tue 05-May-15 23:09:30

Hi there. I've told some of my friends with mixed results. The girl is consider my "closest" friend is pretty shit; she doesn't get it, isn't that sympathetic. Says things along the lines of it could be worse, you could have cancer etc etc. I try not to talk to her about it now. It comes up every now and then and if I've had a bit to drink I can get upset, which I think irritates her. It's made me think less of her, truth be told.

The others I tell them bits and bobs and they can be sympathetic, but as I'm the only one in my group even considering, let alone ttc, they aren't on the same page.

Just finished 4th clomid round with not even a sniff of a positive. Been ttc since nov 2013 (gulp). I try to keep off these boards as it winds me up a lot but just feeling low and like I need a bit of a wallow.

Chin up, keep on keeping on. What the hell else is there? Sigh sad

X

Sally1108 Mon 11-May-15 12:12:08

Hello

Please be very careful with who you tell and your reasons for doing so. A problem shared is always a problem halfed however We started 2 years ago and each clomid cycle passed with nothing and now on to ivf

I have told 3 of my friends -

Friend one has been my rock - we grew up together - prob meet up every 2/3 weeks - I don't see her all that often but she is there for a cry or just to listen to how I am feeling. The fact I do not see her regularly is why I think it works well - It is not a constant reminder and she doesn't ask unless I tell - I can go over and if I don't mention it - it doesn't get discussed - without her I do not know what I would have done!!!!

Friend 2 and 3 are in a group we see a lot of. They ask every time I see them. When we were first told no more clomid and ivf we admittedly avoided them for a few weeks as we were not ready to discuss. Friend 3 is pregnant with twins (which were conceived on a holiday with us!)!!! and has stopped asking about our problems which is a blessing. We will not be telling either of them about ivf

All through clomid we put off telling our families as didnt want them worrying and wanted to tell our parents the good news! unfortunately it wasn't that easy for us and I am glad they are not aware of ivf - we have gotten to a point where we enjoy being with people with no idea rather than ones who know and look at you differently. I do suggest having that one friend family member who you can talk to through your darkest moments and not be treated any differently

good luck to you in your journey!!! Please do not ever feel isolated - we are all here x x x x x

Viewofhedges Wed 27-May-15 13:26:07

I agree that having people who know what's going on is a good thing, but being selective over who you tell is vital. My situation:

Friend 1 - has 3 kids. Suggested I got a dog when I told her we can't conceive. I'm not sure but I think that friendship is probably over / on a long pause.

Friend 2 - we communicate a lot but she lives long distance. Saw her at the weekend - she's 8 months gone and she hadn't told me. I also feel I need a friend break. I had to do some GOOD ACTING on Saturday!

My family - not a chance. They'd be phoning up every 30 seconds for all the test results, as they're 'medical' and my mum would be offended if I didn't tell her EVERYTHING (eugh).

But his family - we decided to tell them. We don't see them that often. I ended up crying with relief / sadness when we told them, but even his Dad said that if I was ever crawling up the wall / needed some TLC I just had to pop over there and if i just wanted to read a book and be brought cups of tea etc.... so kind. Knowing that they know we're trying has taken away some of the stress of disappointing them (no grandkids) and their kindness has cemented my in-law relationship with them.

I'd suggest you think about who you know who won't gossip, won't judge, but who is in a position in their lives to listen. Message boards are great and really really useful, but they can't give you a damn good hug when that's what you actually need.

Good luck!x

Amara123 Thu 28-May-15 00:02:22

Yes view, I think you're right. I told one friend who is having a baby soon and it feels like a big elephant in the room now and I know she is holding back her happiness about her pregnancy. I've told her I am so happy for her and yet..deep down it does cause me a little ache that it is not me. It's difficult to be "normal" about all this isn't it.

lugo40 Thu 28-May-15 07:24:56

Hi, i totally empathise with what you are saying. I have told 2 close friends and people at work as i wanted to reduce my hours as i am not coping well. I found it easier telling work people but do not want to tell family or any other friends. I just feel like then you deal with thier emotions regarding it. Husband is an only child and his parents are very intense so the thought of them knowing and hoe upset they will be is too much to handle. And i am one of 4 girls, all the other 3 and my parents have all fallen pregnant so easily i do feel like a bit of a failure tbh.Which i no is my problem not thiers but it does make me want to keep it secret. I feel a little like the more people who know the less control i have over it, and due to the intervention i already feel quite out of control. have fantasies about telling them when we announce our pregnancy

lugo40 Thu 28-May-15 09:08:47

the two close friends i have told its felt good to tell but to be honest they havnt been that helpful. One's response was at least you are both healthy its not life threatening. And i get that, i am thankful. But its still bloody sad

PJsAreDayWear Fri 29-May-15 22:58:23

I've told pretty much all of my friends, because I've had gynae surgery so they inevitably ask.

All of them have children, and I don't think any of them understand. They're sympathetic, and listen, but they really dont get it, and why would they, they can't possibly understand what it feels like.

One friend lives far away but we talk a lot. She was pregnant with her 3rd when I found out I needed surgery. She finished work on maternity leave the same day I finished ahead of my operation. I told her she must tell me when the baby came and must not feel awkward about it at all. I have to confess, I did have a little cry when she had the baby a few days after my surgery, but I'm over it. But I feel guilty telling her my bad news when she's dealing with her new baby - I don't want to drag anyone down with my shit.

A few friends have said "Oh I'd love to be child free for a few days, just to have the freedom you have". Yeah thanks - that doesn't help.

I'm not sure what I'll do if / when we start IVF. I might keep it to myself.

How do people deal with work, do you tell your boss what is going on?

Amara123 Sat 06-Jun-15 13:35:58

Hi pjs

I told my boss that I am likely to be undertaking ivf later in the year. I get on really well with her and she is v understanding though. I guess I am unsure of how I'll be during it so I want her to know in case I'm not performing as well as usual. Has anyone here been through ivf? I would love to hear how it feels physically and emotionally so I could prepare.

And lugo, it is bloody sad isn't it? I think it's because it's meant to be a relatively joyful natural experience which is in direct contrast to our experiences of tests and clinics etc.

M

JoJoC1974 Wed 10-Jun-15 13:05:11

Just stumbles across this thread and it's been really helpful - thank you.

We didn't tell anyone we were being tested, in fact we waited 6 months and that was only when we were told we had been accepted for ICSI treatment so we could tell people the next steps rather than just the problem.

My Mum - gutted for us but has been amazing

Husbands parents - FIL has been brill, he enquires but isn't intrusive. MIL - keeps referring to HIV treatment instead of IVF/ICSI (seriously!!!) and totally ignores the facts ie my husband has low and slow and keeps going in about my age (40 but v healthy) and how we have to keep trying etc. last week I lost it and said its not about biology but science now. I wish we hadn't told her. I dread to think how many others she's told.

My brother & SIL - fab, they went through Ivf for no2 last year - unsuccessful but are incredibly helpful

Best friend 1 - supportive but not intrusive

Best friend 2 - I have to keep reminding myself that I have actually told her as she so doesn't care and isn't interested it's untrue

Others - we have told a couple of others just because of circumstance and people have been great. Others make regular reference to when we're having a baby etc and I just respond that something's can't be ordered at the click of a button and I'm sure as and when we have anything to tell them we will ie back off!!

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