How do you come to terms with secondary infertility?

[BuffyTy]

Have a beautiful DD who I'm so thankful to have in my life, yet just can't get rid of the feeling of wanting another. DH never wanted another and after one failed round of IVF, it's the end of the road. It's been 6 months since all hope was extinguished and in the main I think it's getting easier because I've gone back to burying my feelings. Then suddenly, something happens, which sets me back to square one. Have just spent the last 10 minutes sobbing as another 41 year old friend is pregnant. When does it get better? How?

[OccamsLadyshave]

Well it's been 5 years since I finally gave up on another one, when DD was 8.

It just fades over time, and I'd compare it to a form of grief, although obviously not comparable to losing a loved one.

I was just coming to terms with it when I discovered age 36 that the reason I'd been struggling to conceive was that I in early menopause, and I haven't had a period now for 3 yrs (now 40). I have also split with my partner during that time, so I now have no eggs and no sperm! Conception is very unlikely!

In a way I only managed to move on once I'd lost all hope. The monthly disappointment was making it a constant repeated blow and it felt like it was taking over my life at one point.

I decided to focus on what is great about being a lone parent with one child. Last summer we went travelling for four weeks. I couldn't have done that with more than one child.

I also applied to be a respite foster carer, and although it's not comparable to having another child, I think it's been great for me feels like a really positive thing to do.

[BuffyTy]

Ladyshave - firstly I wantd to apologise for never responding to your kind post. I was in a dark place back in February and whilst your words really helped, I couldn't even bring myself to respond. But thank you massively.

Some months on I am beginning to heal. I still find things hard and even had to explain to a close friend why I've been unable to I see her throughout her entire pregnancy (I've worked for her again!). However, I have more good days than bad now and whilst the longing will never go away, I can truly appreciate my wonderful nearly 8 years old daughter and my husband.

Thanks again and my heart goes out to all those out there struggling with secondary infertility.

[Meggysmum2015]

Hi BuffyTy,

I know exactly how you feel, my DD has just turned 12, we have been trying for a 2nd child for 9 years, had all the tests, tried a round of clomid nothing wrong they say just unexplained infertility!

I don't think you'll ever lose that sad feeling of not having the child you really want as much as you love the one you have and are so grateful for. We moved to a bigger house when we started trying for number 2 and I think sometimes it has even affected the way I feel about where I live because things haven't turned out as I planned, daft I know!

But it will become slightly easier over time for all of us I hope xx

[BuffyTy]

Thanks for replying Meggysmum...its so helpful to know that someone out there is listening who understands. I hope things are as ok as they can be for you.
Thought everything was getting better but I'm having a rough time of it at the moment. If my Ivf had worked last year, I'd be holding a 3 month old now and instead I'm facing redundancy at work. Am trying to throw myself into finding a new job but I just can't get excited about my career anymore - all I can think about is that I should be dealing with a newborn right now.
I just want this immense feeling of a huge hole in my life to be gone. I've been looking for purpose all my life and I need to find a way of channelling it into my DD without overwhelming her. God, this is so hard.

[YorkshireTeaDrinker]

My DD is almost 5 and has just started school. We have been TTC #2 since she was 9 months old. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks two years ago. Since then nothing. I am 40 next year and have set that as my cut off point.

I try to concentrate on how very very blessed I am to have my DD. and focus on the benefits of having just one (we went skiing last year, which would probably be beyond our means if we were a larger family). But every month I get hopeful, then disappointed.

DD often asks if she can have a sister. A lot of her imaginative play currently involves her being a big sister. It makes the monthly longing more acute.

I was hanging onto baby clothes and equipment, now I am gradually giving everything away. I don't know if the feeling of being somehow incomplete will every go away entirely, but I am consciously and deliberately reminding myself that our family of three is a 'proper' family, that I can justify working part time with only one child to care for. (Nb, I don't make those sorts of judgements about anyone else with one child families, just me!)

I don't want to be ungrateful for what I already have. I just can't seem to turn off the longing for another child. I hope it will get easier.

[BuffyTy]

Hi Yorkshire. I wish I had some answers for you....I do feel for you though. I'm now 41 and my DD turned 8 last week. She once caught me crying and we discussed that I'm sad I can't give her a brother or sister and bless her, she hugged me and said she doesn't have to share me, so it's ok. Blimey, that moment was tough and she still always role plays asking me or friends to be the sister. I've still got all her clothes from age 2 up - can't bear to get rid but must do it soon. Well done Yorkshire - you sound strong.