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Secondary infertility has turned me into a not very nice person

(10 Posts)
Mrsbadger77 Tue 20-Jan-15 12:59:50

Been ttc#2 for over a year now and had news yesterday that a dear friend is expecting #2. This news totally devastated me as I remember her announcing her first pregnancy at my dds first birthday, right when we began trying for number two. Her dd isn't even 1 yet. I just feel so useless, jealous and bitter. It should have been my turn. Of course I am happy for her but it just kind of twists the knife. I don't want to be this person but I can't help it.

I'm feeling extra emotional as I'm due to have a lap and dye on Thursday. I'd been pinning all my hopes on it but the negativity is creeping in now. I'm thinking what if I still can't conceive even after it. What then? I am desperate for dd not to be an only child. I feel so down. :-((

naty1 Tue 20-Jan-15 16:24:20

I think its more important to the parent than the child about not being an only.
A year isnt that long. Its good youre getting checked out.
Good luck with the test.
I know its frustrating- ive been through it twice now
Ivf for 2 children, 3 goes. All my antenatal group that want dc2 have already had it. We went back for ivf when dc1 was 13m but due to delay with clinic closed last xmas then a failed cycle in jan, theyve all had dc2 before ive even got pg again.
So we'll have a 3yr gap. But really just very lucky if we get dc2 at all.
You cant compare to others though, they may be younger, or really just lucky.
The ivf has cost £10k (2 goes and 1 cancelled) so its worth working out how far you want to go if you need treatment.

Mrsbadger77 Tue 20-Jan-15 20:15:44

Sorry to hear your journey so far has been so tough and I really hope that there is a dc2 for both of us.
I'm not sure where I stand on IVF. It's so much money for some very low odds. I'll be 38 in September. It's so hard no to compare to others to the point that I'm becoming obsessed.

CakeInMyFace Thu 22-Jan-15 19:29:03

Hi Mrs I just wanted to say I really feel for you and understand what you are going through. We went through 2 long years of secondary infertility and I used to sob each time I heard more news of another pregnancy. I had the dye test in November and they told me I had a blocked tube and damage to the other. DH had dodgy sperm. But the first month after the test we dtd and Im pregnant now, almost 6 weeks. I hope it sticks, my dd will be 4 when baby comes but there is hope. I believe it was the test that boosted our chances. Its been v v hard getting here and not nearly as hard as what others go through. Hang in there and be strong.

LadyJinglyJones Thu 22-Jan-15 19:38:33

Oh OP you are not a not nice person - that's a normal feeling to have. As long as you don't actually behave unpleasantly towards the person, you can't help how you feel.

When I was TTC it took a while both times and I felt exactly as you describe "so useless, jealous and bitter" when I saw a pregnant woman. I'm not proud of it but there it is. I remember so many friends had another baby even though their first was younger than mine and I felt so left behind.

When TTC no2, it took 18 months and we still conceived naturally and when I was almost 40. So please don't lose hope, you are so not out of the running.

If you don't want to be annoyed by unsolicited tips do not read on....

I had reflexology for infertility (and I am so not woo, I didn't even tell DP because he would laugh) and the reflexologist knew I was pg before I did. Even if it is a load of bollocks, it's quite relaxing and makes you feel better.

Mrsbadger77 Fri 23-Jan-15 11:45:57

Thank you for your kind words lovely people. Makes me feel so much better. I had the lap and dye yesterday adjust sitting on the sofa recovering. They didn't find anything wrong which on one hand is good but on the other hand I might have preferred the consultant to have said there was a problem but now it's fixed.
I know a lot of people have success after la and dye just hoping we do too.
I've tried reflexology but then moved area a few months into treatment and never got back into it. I have instead started acupuncture.
Iam supposed to be meeting up with aforementioned lovely friend in four weeks and I honestly don't think I can go through with it.

Mrsbadger77 Fri 23-Jan-15 11:49:00

Ladyjinglyjones congratulations on conceiving naturally after 18 months. Have you had baby #2 yet? What is the age gap?

Mrsbadger77 Fri 23-Jan-15 11:52:38

Cakeinmyface I think a four year age gap is perfectly sensible and certainly saves on childcare costs if that is an issue! My friend will have a 17 month age gap between hers which I don't think I could have coped with!

LadyJinglyJones Fri 23-Jan-15 13:34:25

Yes baby no 2 is now 4, and the age gap is almost 5 years. (Because it took a while before DP was ready to start ttc no2, as well as the time spent trying/gestating)

5 years has its pros and cons - no double nursery fees, but it means the preschool stage, which I find quite hard work, goes on for longer. However I think it is better than having two very close together which always looks really tough! Also, I like the fact that although my DC get on, they are each at their own stages and don't get compared to each other all the time. And they've both had a chance to get lots of 1-to-1 attention from me as babies/toddlers.

purplemeggie Fri 30-Jan-15 20:32:02

Hello - empathy from this corner, too - these feelings are very natural and don't make you a bad person. I find it helps to remind myself that the pregnant woman didn't take my ticket in the deli queue - the fact that she is pregnant is not what's stopping me getting pregnant, or making it take longer. We've been ttc for 5 1/2 years now, ds will be 7 next week and many of my friends have been rude enough to have third babies in the time we've been trying sad.

We're just commencing donor egg IVF as a last ditch attempt before trying to come to terms with our beautiful boy being an only child.

Good luck, all of you x

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