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Finding Xmas so hard

(22 Posts)
bouncingbelle Thu 04-Dec-14 20:25:19

I'm 39 now and been TTC for 7 years. This is the first time I really feel it's never going to happen (I need to lose 12lbs for Ivf and it's coming off so slowly) plus I keep feeling like I'm the one chasing the fertility clinic and that itself is stressing me out.

Xmas and the focus on children and families just feels like life rubbing it in my face. Sitting here in tears. This rant probably doesn't even make sense but I can't say it to anyone in RL.

NanaNina Thu 04-Dec-14 21:18:37

Sorry you are feeling so bad BB but I think thousands of people are finding this time of year very difficult for a host of different reasons. I think Christmas tends to heighten our emotions (of whatever variety) and cause a great deal of distress. The suicide rates rises dramatically over Christmas and January is the busiest month for people starting divorce proceedings, or separating.

I think the media is a lot to blame as the adverts conjure up this image of happy families with tables groaning with food and everyone having a lot of fun, and the reality is very different. Trouble is a lot of people believe the ads and think this is how Christmas is for most people and it isn't - life isn't like that.

Don't give up - my son and dil had iVF and produced a beautiful daughter. Maybe your dream will come true.

victoria401 Fri 05-Dec-14 13:02:54

I know how you feel sweetie, I'm really bah humbug this year. I just don't see the point of going to all the trouble if its just going to be adults on the big day. I'm having my parents and my best friend up for Xmas and I just don't see the point of exchanging tat and watching cartoons. The magic comes from the faces of the little ones when they open their gifts. I'm jealous of my friends who are making decorations and nativity costumes for their kids and going ice skating and to see Santa.

I was taking to an older childless couple from my dance class earlier. They don't even do Xmas and I don't think me and dh would given half a chance! This couple just take the phone off the hook and make it a special couple day, just the 2 of them. They said when they were younger they used to lie to their parents and say they were going to their in laws so they didn't have to see the family! Maybe a bit much?

Anyway, I wish you all the luck in the world with your weight loss and ivf x

custardcreamdream Fri 05-Dec-14 13:06:59

Sorry you feel so low, BB - but good on you for taking control of something and working on getting your weight down. It may be slow, but it's coming off, so well done you smile

I don't know you, but I reckon you must be pretty damn strong to get through your fertility journey so far - so I'm certain you'll stick through the weight loss process and get that IVF cycle you need. And then who knows....!

Good luck smile

Jackie0 Fri 05-Dec-14 13:07:00

I literally had to check the name on your post in case it was a zombie thread reactivated I had written myself. I've to get ready for school pick up but I'll be back soon. I know exactly brew

Jackie0 Fri 05-Dec-14 13:56:31

We had 4 Ivf before we called time on it all 6 years ago . ( that school run isn't for my dc incidentally in case you're thinking 'eh?' ). So our situation is slightly different in that you still have a chance . But I remember very clearly after tx3 the dawning realisation that our life wasn't to be anything like our vision of it. I had a bad time for a while , it affects you on all sorts of ways . The five stages of grief come to mind.
Time has passed and we're stronger now and have accepted that which we cannot change, but Christmas is the one time the sense of doom and hopelessness comes back with a vengeance. It's truly hard. If I have any lessons to pass on it would be to be honest , assuming it doesn't feel like an invasion of privacy. In fact I would have benefitted from bring more upfront from the very beginning.
All those forced smiles when asked when we were going to have a dc hmm
Pretend Christmas cheer at family gatherings we didn't even want to attend hmm
So I started saying to anyone that invited us or had more than a superficial interest in our Xmas plans ' no we won't be coming over , it's a sad time of year for us and we would rather be just the two of us at home'
That took a good bit of pressure off.
We get nice food and drink in, we buy nice luxurious gifts for each other and we do whatever we want. smile
Stay away from fb, it's just Santa pics, a price of advice I'd do well to heed .
I'm so sorry you are going through this . Be selfish ! Be good to yourself . Don't apologise for being in pain. Love each other . In 3 weeks it will be over,
Take care x

NewEraNewMindset Fri 05-Dec-14 14:05:03

I know infertility can feel like a child shaped window you are only ever allowed to peer through. I am lucky to have one child but now have secondary I fertility due to age. I too find Christmas a very difficult time of year. I think it's because it's meant to be a time of happiness and my heart feels so sad.

My fertility acupuncturist is childless, not through choice, and yet she LOVES Christmas. I said what do you do and she said she and her partner love dancing so they go to lots of dancing events and socialise and have a brilliant time. It sounded much better than any Christmas I've ever had.

bouncingbelle Sat 06-Dec-14 07:17:41

Thanks for the hand holding everyone. I've just realised that this would have been our babies first Xmas (I miscarried last year) so maybe this xmas IS worse on some sub conscious level. I,ve lost 28lbs in weight this year so I suppose I should see that I'm a lot closer to Ivf than I was this time last year.

I feel like you,ve kind of given me 'permission' to just say to everyone no, we,re not coming for Xmas and just do our own quiet day :/

dreamcometrue Sat 06-Dec-14 07:24:11

Two years ago this was me (our last round failed a few days before Christmas) we went through the motions that Christmas but my mom gave me the best advice. It's one day and there are no rules. Do what is best for you.
Be kind to yourself, sob through Christmas if you want to, there will be many more.
Incidentally this Christmas is going to be jam packed full this year as our little one came to love with us 6 months ago.
Take care. X

hohoho100 Sat 06-Dec-14 07:34:32

Bouncingbelle lots of people find Christmas hard and you just see the perfect family Christmas everywhere. We have had a miscarriage this year and I'm not looking forward to Christmas as much as I normally would.

Try and make sure you do some nice things for you - I'll be drowning my sorrows with champagne on Christmas day and watching christmasdy dvds in the run up.

You have done so so well with the weight - you are getting there!

Xx

jeee Sat 06-Dec-14 07:36:09

If you stand at the church porch on Christmas day, there will be several people weeping there. Christmas can be a magical time - but it can also underline problems in our lives. Bereavement, infertility, illness and the myriad other stresses that life can throw at us.

Do whatever you need to do to get through Christmas. Best wishes.

tigerdog Sun 07-Dec-14 09:30:22

Hey bouncingbelle I can totally identify with how you feel and I hope you manage to find some joy in Christmas. Well done on the weight loss, you've already achieved a lot, you can do it! If the last 12 pounds are coming off slowly it's time to change the routine maybe - new exercise or different diet?

I'm only looking forward to Christmas as I'm going away for some winter sun. BBQs, swimming and cycling and a shedload of nice wine should help. Last Christmas Day I sat on the bathroom floor and sobbed my heart out as my period arrived and that marked a year of ttc. This year I'm still not pregnant and will be starting ivf in the Spring. I feel hopeful, but still incredibly sad.

You've been really strong to get this far, don't lose hope. Fingers crossed that things work out for you in the new year. As others have said, be kind to yourself. xx

NewEraNewMindset Sun 07-Dec-14 10:34:39

I've just checked my calender and my period is going to arrive Christmas Day and then on my 40th birthday where we have booked to go away for a spa weekend! Absolutely bloody perfect as usual.

DRSLondon Sun 07-Dec-14 10:58:29

I'm sorry things seem so hopeless. It is the most frustrating, all consuming thing. My husband and I have faced infertility and had to go down the IVF route. My advice is to work hard on losing the weight, it will be worth it. Once you start the IVF you will at least feel as though things are progressing and moving in the right direction and that will make you feel more posititve.

In the meantime I would say that the only way though the misery is to be busy. Book some nice days out, spa days and try to avoid people/places filled with children.

I know it feels bleak but I assure you it will be better. Screw Christmas! It's a marketing extravaganza. Do what makes you happy and to hell with the rest of it.

You can read about my rollercoaster at www.wakeupsurvivesleep.com.

Everything you feel, I have felt. Be strong and don't give up. xxx

naty1 Sun 07-Dec-14 16:52:09

Is the weight due to the nhs rules?
Just wondering if due to age
Weight vs age it wouldnt be worth going ahead. I know bmi makes a difference but wondering if it is more important than age?
As you have ivf to look forward to try to stay positive thinking of that.

PaperJamCheckTray Mon 08-Dec-14 14:28:30

bouncingbelle> Totally with you, I'm also 39 and although we've only been trying about 2 and a half years I also miscarried this year (was 11 weeks pregnant for Christmas, found out it was anembryonic on News Year Eve of all times) and am finding it difficult to have that double blow of "still no baby" and "this should be our first Christmas with our baby" thoughts. Had a mini meltdown on Saturday and then DH joined in which only made me feel even worse. We are still trying to come to terms with it all, and I'm honestly thinking that it may not happen at all for us so I know how you feel with everyone else having their "family" Xmas, and having to buy presents for other people's children, ugh, it's all too much this year. And then you and I both have the added fun of turning 40 next year! grin Be kind to yourself, and vent all you like on here, there are people who understand and sympathise, belive me!

bronya Mon 08-Dec-14 14:35:15

Hope you find something to cheer you up a bit soon.

If it helps, re the weight loss, my DH has lost a stone in two months low-carbing. He could never lose weight at all before and he was surprised at how easy it was, how he wasn't ever hungry and the weight just fell off. If you haven't tried it already, might be worth a go?

Jameme Mon 08-Dec-14 14:47:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieHoo Sun 14-Dec-14 12:18:10

Oh bouncing I'm the same. I just had a meltdown when I told DH I was feeling sad about our chances and not having a family at Christmas. He said "but me and you are a family" but we're not. I have longed for a family Christmas all my life and it makes me so sad to be just us, like any other day.

I'm 41 and have have a mc this year and a failed IVF.

I totally understand about the pressure of losing weight for ivf. I'm also overweight and need to lose about 2.5 stone which is totally overwhelming. I feel so hopeless and disinterested in anything other than ttc. Clomid and all the hormones making me miserable have made me less active and gain weight. I've cut myself off from friends because it hurts and I want them to see me when I'm happy not now when I'm fat and desperately sad.

Sorry this isn't very helpful, just to say I know how you feel and you're not alone.

I've booked a lovely restaurant on Christmas Eve for DH and I to have our Xmas dinner. That takes the pressure off on the 25th so we can just relax as we've already done Xmas. Xx

AngelsWithSilverWings Sun 14-Dec-14 12:50:12

I remember that feeling very well.

We were trying for 10 years and Christmas was very difficult and New Year's Eve would have me in tears. Towards the end of our struggles we decided enough was enough and we had to start living for today and not for some future happiness that may never come.

We got our happy ending through adoption but before that we took control of Christmas by going away just the two of us. Our family understood our reasons for needing to get away.

We made a point of making Christmas all about the two of us. Making it all about spoiling each other and doing things that we both enjoy.

But one thing we found is that the romantic idea of the perfect family Christmas once you get your baby is often unrealistic.

Our first Christmas Day with our baby son ended with me sobbing in my bedroom because my expectations of the day had not been met. I have spoken to other new parents ( who for one reason or another had waited a long time for their children) who have said the same.

I hope you can find a way to take control of Christmas and make it a positive and happy time for you both and that you get your happy ending soon. thanks

bouncingbelle Mon 15-Dec-14 23:36:28

Just logged in here for the first time in a few days. OMG am I relieved to see there are people who understand how I feel!!! Shall we all go away to a hotel, get pissed and eat low fat food together?!!

I'd love to adopt. I'm ready to but dp not there yet. Maybe this WILL be the year??

Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences, I was actually having stomach pains with stress about it all, but it feel kind of less alone now. I lost another half pound this week, so baby steps towards my goal...

bouncingbelle Mon 15-Dec-14 23:47:44

I also LOVE the idea of a nice Xmas Eve to take the pressure of the day itself.,I think I will be stealing this. That means we can just take Xmas day as it comes. X

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