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Can't take the 'if you'd just relax it will happen' comments anymore - holding back the tears :-(

(28 Posts)
CakeInMyFace Tue 11-Nov-14 08:34:27

My DH and I are struggling with secondary infertility - we have been ttc number 2 for exactly 22 months now, my DD is 3.4. Nearly two years we have been giving it our all. We're finally in the system and I have an HSG booked in a few weeks time thankfully. I've found it so painful seeing so many people around me getting pregnant with their second children, and in some cases third.

Another friend just told me she was pregnant via a facebook message but was SO blase about it. And then made the usual comments about it happening because she was relaxed and not stressed and this would work for me too. In fact she suggested that 'maybe if I quit my job it'll happen for me.

I'm so so so fed up with this that I want to scream! She has no idea what we are going through or how painful it is. People are constantly telling me that if I just relax it will happen. Surely don't they think that after two years I have done everything possible to give ourselves the best chance?

My moods swing crazily between being angry and being so utterly sad and devastated - I never thought I'd want to withdraw from people as I'm very sociable with lots of friends, but I'm not coping very well anymore and I almost don't want to be around people for fear of more pregancy news.

Sorry for the long post, I don't often write threads but hoping some of you might have some words of wisdom for how to get through this.

timefortea79 Tue 11-Nov-14 08:47:23

It took us 16 months of trying to conceive our second baby, and I know how difficult it is to 'relax' and not think about it too much. I did my best to try and come to terms with the fact that we would have an only child and tried to focus on the positives of that. I kept saying that I felt okay with just the one but didn't know whether I truly was.

It turns out that I was ovulating really early in my cycle and we finally did get pregnant. It was only at the moment that I found out,that I realised I actually was okay with having an only child and it took a while to get my head around the fact that I was having another.

So whilst I'm not saying 'relax and it will happen', try if you can, to come to terms with the fact that it might not, and it might help how you feel about the whole thing.

I really hope everything goes well for you.

bluemoonday Tue 11-Nov-14 10:18:11

Cake the 'relax and it will happen' comment is utter nonsense and I'm not surprised you are upset and annoyed. I would be too! Next time you hear that, stand up for yourself. Remind people that there is an million ££ industry built around infertility that has absolutely nothing to do with relaxation. You are struggling to conceive due to a physical or medical issue, more likely than not. It may be age related. Whatever it is, it requires thorough investigation and assessment. You can't afford to 'relax and let go' whilst time marches on. You need to address the problem.

Anyway sorry for the rant but SERIOUSLY....what is up with people. It's great that you've made a decision to have a HSG and get a proper diagnosis. I know it's difficult but try to 'own' your choice if you can - you're about to embark on a journey that may result in another baby. This a really positive step! Try to stay optimistic about it. If people give uninvited advice, offer them some advice of your own and tell them to mind their own business. This forum is a good source of useful advice and support, feel free to come here anytime for a rant and moan.

CakeInMyFace Tue 11-Nov-14 14:04:02

Thank you both - bluemoonday I nearly cried reading your post, I needed to hear that, and some support for how I'm feeling. Next time someone starts going on about stress I will most definitely try to stand up for myself a bit more. I do believe it's partly age related, DH doesn't have a great SA either. I do really hope our chance comes soon.

timefortea, I have spent some time thinking about and reading about the benefits of having only one should it come to that, it's just that its so hard wanting something so badly and not being able to have it / grasp it. The uncertainty is very hard, and I just wish people would be more mindful of what they say - it's a very hard thing to go through. I have had friends go through it and I never once said to 'relax' to them!!! I just don't get it!

Shellster52 Tue 11-Nov-14 19:58:28

I can only echo blue's words. It was so nice once we finally got a diagnosis for our medical infertility. At that moment, I realised how all these people were making me feel. My immediate reaction to myself after the diagnosis was 'see everyone, it's not all in my mind!'. So it's nice to be able to have an answer for these well meaning but very upsetting comments.

I am also very sick of the comment 'be grateful you have one'. The time this hurt most was when it come from someone pregnant with her second. What does that mean? I am not grateful for my first? That I don't love my first enough because I want a second? Meanwhile she is pregnant with her second! You have probably heard that one too so just want to let you know you are not alone. In fact, a good part of the reason I want a second (and I assume you too) is because we love our first and want them to grow up with a sibling.

Good on you for getting help and I hope it provides you with some answers. Sorry, no real answers here. Just want to let you know you are not alone... I am about to embark on my 9th IVF so I know all too well about secondary infertility. Feel free to chat on here anytime you like where you will never hear those innocent yet hurtful comments.

HowsTheSerenity Tue 11-Nov-14 21:44:47

I've tried the polite approach, the rude and the educational.
Now I just ask the person if they would tell a person with cancer to just relax and you will be cured.
Shuts them up.

Chottie Wed 12-Nov-14 05:50:49

People can be so very insensitive. I have two DC with 3 miscarriages in between and I got a lot of that 'be grateful you have one' type comment too. What is that all about?!?

I agree with the 'shut them up' approach, the trouble is it is a very sensitive and personal subject and if you are feeling a bit wobbly, it's difficult to have a quick come back at the ready.

OliviaRinHerts Wed 12-Nov-14 06:25:05

Cake in my face

I know how you feel although we struggled with our first (he is now 12 weeks). I had a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy where they removed one tube and I am 40 this month so that clock is ticking! after years of trying felt We would never have a child but he is snuffly in his cot one metre away from me after his second feed of the night.

We can't always determine the outcome of our lives ( I hate not knowing if / when things will happen ) but I found having a plan in my head helped. I'm not sure what position you are in... We went through Nhs tests. We also saw a private gynocolonist who prescribed me clomid which in terms of costs is relatively low (it worked but that was the ectopic pregnancy). After that we looked at fostering but decided to give Ivf a go. High cost of course but lots of people get pregnant just knowing there is a plan in place before they even start Ivf.

My thoughts are with you - it is so hard and being realistic i didn't find much comfort in people's words - seeing all the pregnant people was hard. I tried to keep busy ( get fit, decorate the house ie all things you won't be able to do with a newborn) and think about the next stage in my plan. It wAs also hard for us to enjoy making the baby ( ovulation sticks from amazon timed our lives) but I found a website called fertility friends quite helpful for baby making advice (like how having sex throughout the month is really important rather than just in your fertile window)

That was my way of coping. Good luck with evertyhing.

Betsy003 Wed 12-Nov-14 06:34:47

I don't know what the answer is but I had it all the time too with secondary infertility. Could you answer back with 'we are at the stage where relaxing isn't enough'

I had secondary infertility. Low day 21 progesterone blood levels each month. Fast forward a 8 years I now have 4 children thanks to a cheap pill called clomid.

tigerdog Wed 12-Nov-14 06:55:29

My thoughts are with you as I know exactly how hard it is. I've been trying to conceive our first child for the same length of time as you cake and got this a lot from friends, especially those who thought they'd been trying for ages (6 months) and then magically 'stopped trying' or went on holiday and it happened. The amount of times I've been advised to get drunk because it will happen then is also a joke! It's so frustrating. Some friends have been pretty hurtful really, the worst was telling one close friend (who has one dc) and being advised to make the most of it. Yes, I am going on holiday, having lie ins and progressing my career but it doesn't make up for the lack of a child when my whole being is crying out to be a mum. Then to add insult to injury, three weeks later she pulled out of a planned girls weekend because, you guessed it, she was pregnant.

I really hope you get some answers. Good luck with your investigations.

bluemoonday Wed 12-Nov-14 15:54:14! smile

threepiecesuite Wed 12-Nov-14 20:16:53

We're in cycle #26 of ttc number 2 aswell, our DD is 4.5.
When I see people I haven't seen for a while, they say 'how's the baby?' and I say 'oh she's not a baby anymore, she's in Reception now!' all cheerily, and they always say 'time for another one then hey!' as if the thought had never occurred to me. I find this really painful.

I'm 34 and my diminishing fertility weighs heavy on my mind. I had a HSG in July and I have one blocked tube so our chances are reduced. We're saving up for one go at IVF but it will be one as we haven't exactly got £4k down the back of the sofa.

CakeInMyFace Thu 13-Nov-14 08:48:28

Thank you all for sharing your experiences with me. It really helps to feel you are not alone in this journey doesn't it? I can't believe some of the things people say and some of your stories just make me want to scream too.

I get really tired of the be grateful you have one comment, especially from friends who have more than one child or who got pregnant at the drop of a hand. I don't really know anyone who has struggled with fertility (or secondary fertility) in RL so I think it's very hard for them to understand the pain we feel right now. I don't know about you all, but when I hear news of a pregnancy it's like a physical pain I get in my gut - it physcially hurts.

Olivia our first plan to see how far we can get on the NHS, but since we have one child I don't know how far we can get. I don't think we'd be able to afford IVF should it come to that but may look into IUI. I am also starting to think I either had some scarring (had an EMCS with my DD) or Endo - I get alot of pain in my pelvis and lower back during my cycle (which the docs keep ignoring when I tell them this). My periods have also been very heavy lately, (this might be TMI but lots of gushing, it's awful).

We have our follow up with the consultant in late Dec after my HSG and my DH's second SA, so I'll press for further investigations then if nothing shows on the HSG.

I am going to be 38 in March and having a real panic about that too. We have no family around (mine lives abroad and DH's lives nearly 3 hours away) so sometimes I just want to cry looking at DD all alone.

Sorry to ramble, it's been a really tough week and I feel the symptoms of AF starting again so I know it's not happened again this month. Thank you again for your replies, it helps alot to get some support with this, sometimes I just don't know how to handle these overwhelming feelings.

threepiecesuite Thu 13-Nov-14 13:56:53

Ramble away, Cake. I have one friend who is going through the same as me, except she's 41. We confide in each other how crap it is, and have a whinge together when pregnancies and births are announced.

I'm just heading into cycle #27 tomorrow, can feel the pains. It's rubbish.

The only pro-active thing I've tried to do, is make sure DD has lots of opportunities to mix with other kids (of all ages) so she doesn't feel so alone. She is starting Rainbows soon, she goes to swimming and we try and see her two cousins quite frequently even though they live a while away. I've had to force myself not to mourn her babyhood but to enjoy her childhood and embrace having a 4 year old and all the fun things we can do, she's into craft at the moment and I can concentrate on making things with her with no distractions I suppose.

Cantbelieveimdoingthisagain Thu 13-Nov-14 17:46:14

I LOVE all of your attitudes to this!! Well done girls! Hear hear to standing up for ourselves and telling people to piss off with their uneducated remarks!!

Try not to feel so down Cake
I have found a couple of things that help me manage my emotions lately. And I know they won't be everyone's cup of tea but maybe worth a shot..

Light exercise - I power walk every day - it's actually true what they say. Fresh air really does give you such a clear mind - time to think by yourself without housework and every other distraction. Or go with DH - talking about what your going through while not actually sitting down and looking each other square in the eye is so much easier and less pressure.

Doing proactive positive things - I've driven past a Chinese herbalist\acupuncture shop for 4 years in my town and always thought what a load of BS!! I am now booked into see him Friday (granted after a recommendation from doc) but also, if he's been there 4 years - he must be helping someone!! Positive and pro-active smile

Facing your fears - I haven't done this yet but am doing it tonight... My sister in law who is also one of my best friends is coming over tonight.. With her 12 week scan photo. I'm dreading it. She told me 7 weeks ago about her pregnancy and ever since I haven't been able to stand the sight of her, haven't wanted to be involved and couldn't bare the thought of there being a new baby in the family and it not being mine. She did make an unappreciated comment when I told her that I was struggling to conceive which is why my feelings were so heightened against her. But I truly believe that facing her tonight and being brave will help me strengthen and increase my positivity!

Wishing you all the best of luck (and very sorry about the essay!!)


bluemoonday Fri 14-Nov-14 18:53:03

cake, good on you for doing stuff to help you maintain a positive frame of mind. As you can see, infertility is a long winded, bonkers roller coaster and the only way you'll stay sane is to think positive and try to retain a sense of humour. It's a bummer that your SIL is pregnant but there will always be pregnant women in the world so it's best just to try and get over it and mentally move on. At the same time....let's hope she gets horrible constipation for a week or two as punishment for making insensitive comments smile

Cantbelieveimdoingthisagain Fri 14-Nov-14 19:40:33

Haha bluemonday yes. Last night didn't go too badly and I have moved on, can see a glimpse of light that I may actually be able to start welcoming my niece/nephew into the world!

threepiecesuite Fri 14-Nov-14 19:44:06

I always keep in my head that there's no reason to be jealous, as I don't want their baby, I want my own.

Having said that, my colleague went on a year's mat leave today, we had a baby shower in the office and I found it quite hard to take. So I'm hardly an advocate of my own advice!

Cantbelieveimdoingthisagain Fri 14-Nov-14 20:09:44

It's the best we can do threepiece tell ourselves that we are ok and hopefully, we will be! You sound like you are doing a fantastic job as mum to your DD and I'm sure you'll be rewarded for that x

FrankieFrankie Thu 20-Nov-14 18:55:26

I never usually post but I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel Cakeinmyface. We have been ttc our second for more than 18 months and I have been so fed up of people telling me to relax. I was perfectly relaxed before a year and a half of trying to get pregnant, thanks very much! Anyway we had millions of tests in the summer and were due to start IVF in mid- October. We were going to do the Antagonist Protocol which you start on day 2 of your cycle and I just never got my period - I am pregnant. I hope this gives you some hope! Of course now, from the very limited people who know, I've already had comments about how that always happens because people relax knowing they are going to have IVF. Grrr! Good luck.

weelamb123 Wed 03-Dec-14 20:04:44

I hate to say it but they are all right......relax and it WILL happen. It happened to me. We have been ttc for 4 1/2 years and I'm now pregnant with second child. I'm only 7 1/2 weeks though so still early days. Don't give up hope xxx

Jessewalt Wed 03-Dec-14 22:05:25

Wee lamb that is lovely news but do you really think it happened because you relaxed?
I am a bitter and twisted person who has never had a BFP but suspect, this group may not appreciate your message!

Jessewalt Thu 04-Dec-14 09:53:32

Sorry re previous message. Was obviously feeling a bit blue and angry last night. It really is lovely news wee lamb.

lovesmycake Thu 04-Dec-14 10:13:06

Eurrgghh hate this comment 'just relax' I always feel like they are implying it's my fault - if I was just more relaxed it would have happened therefore it's because of me. The anger, the feelings of grief yip all my own fault that makes me feel ton's better.....thanks!

Sorry your having a tough time cakesin I'm on a thread about TTC#2 and it has been such an amazing support to speak to others in the same situation especially when lots of my feelings about other peoples pregnancies are not usually socially acceptable!! Pop over if you want smile

CakeInMyFace Thu 04-Dec-14 13:00:53

Weelamb I'm glad that happened for you but I'm sorry to say that those kinds of comments are really insensitive. I just found out I have blocked fallopian tubes yesterday, so that with my DH's low-ish sperm count means that no amount of relaxing will help us conceive.

I think it's fine for people to say what happened to them. To make a blanket statement that anyone can get pregnant if they just relax is, quite frankly, insensitive bullshit. I'm sorry if this is rude but I'm devastated after the news I've had about my tubes, and it now looks increasingly unlikely that we will never have our much wanted DC2. It's all I can do to hold myself together at work today and hold up for my DD.

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