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We've received our offer letter, finally! So why am I full of doubts?

(17 Posts)
makingdoo Tue 04-Nov-14 22:11:15

I lurk on this board a lot while we have been waiting for our turn on NHS treatment. I've been quite good at not letting it all consume me like it had when we started to TTC.

We received our offer 2 weeks ago after starting the process 2 years ago. We are so happy that something is finally happening but I've suddenly started thinking that maybe it's not for us and we are happy as we are! Then I think we've waited so long for this that we can't let it pass us by. I am a worrier by nature and often plan scenarios out in my head.

Are these mixed feelings normal?

I'm still waiting for a date for our next appointment as I've changed meds since my last consultation and have been advised that the doctor needs to review this before we can proceed. I've been waiting 10 days for them to get back to me and I think this is adding to my anxiety about the whole thing.

I don't even know what I'm asking!

Solaia Wed 05-Nov-14 19:59:00

Hi makingdoo

I hope this is normal because I have felt exactly the same! We've been TTC for 38 months and due to start IVF in January. We are getting close now and have started the initial appointments, we're seeing the embryologist in a few weeks.

I keep swinging wildly between every different emotion: I can't wait to start treatment, I can't deal with our infertility, my heart is breaking, I actually quite like our current lifestyle, we are quite happy as we are, I might cry if I see another pregnant woman, this is so bloody unfair, is IVF actually even safe, what about the thoughts we'd had of looking into other ways of creating a family, omg I need to hold my baby in my arms right now, what a failure I am, maybe we're not meant to have children, thank god we've reached the top of the waiting list, isn't modern medicine amazing...

...And a million other thoughts! You are put into a position where you are forced to give the whole thing a lot of thought, so you end up over-analysing things. My sister found herself unexpectedly 8 weeks pregnant and I envy that easy certainty she has about everything.

Discuss it with your DP and maybe make use of the counselling offered? And good luck thanks

victoria401 Thu 06-Nov-14 17:18:04

Omg you've just described how I feel too!

Got our referral in Sept, offered treatment in early Oct and I said I needed more time to think about it! A few months before it was all I wanted in the world and fought so hard to get referred. The Dr said come back in a few months when we've decided. I called a few weeks later to make another appointment as I knew there was a wait. This appointment is Nov 27th and I know we wouldnt start any treatment until January so it gave us 3 months to change our minds but we wanted to be on the waiting list. I'm having doubts again already. I'm glad we can share these feelings x

makingdoo Fri 07-Nov-14 20:32:08

Thank you both for replying. It's so nice to talk people who understand how I feel!

Solaia you have described it so well. It's such a lot of emotions running through my mind and I swing from one extreme to the other. I do know that we have to go for it as we'd always regret it otherwise.

Victoria it's good that you took that time to think. The whole thing is just so overwhelming and emotionally charged.

I'm glad I checked this thread today as I was feeling quite down about it all. We received a letter today to say we'd been removed from the list as we hadn't responded to the offer! I responded within days to accept but because my medication has changed the consultant needs to check it before we can set up the appointments. I've been waiting 2 weeks for this. I'm afraid I got very upset with them on the p h one today but it's just so frustrating!

It's good to have companysmile
Have either of you told anyone?

victoria401 Sun 09-Nov-14 11:39:18

I've told several people we are having to have treatment, best friends, both our mums. I've not told anyone but dh about the doubts! Poor dh didn't know about the doubts until I blurted out in the appointment that I wanted to wait! Then he didn't want to talk about it on the way home. It was a bit of a turn around as I was the one pestering him for a baby at the start when he wasn't sure! Now he really wants a baby!

solaia all your inner monologue is what goes on in my head too.

makingdoo what happens now you've been removed from the list? Do you have another massive wait?!

makingdoo Sun 09-Nov-14 23:27:56

At least you told them you had doubts. It's very brave as its such a massive decision. I hope your DH is being supportive now that you've chosen to wait.

We've told our parents and siblings that we've been referred for treatment but haven't discussed doubts e with anyone else. DH and I have talked a bout it quite a bit and we are committed to giving it a go.

Thankfully they advised that the last letter was sent in error and we are still top of the list. I'm getting so frustrated as its now been over 2 weeks since I called to accept our offer but they still haven't set up any appointments! We have a 3 hour round trip to the hospital so it takes a bit of planning!

What's next for you?

victoria401 Mon 10-Nov-14 13:45:48

Appointment on 27th to confirm we want to start treatment. Normally it starts the next cycle at our clinic as there is no waiting list but my next CD1 after the appointment will be mid December. They don't start treatment around Xmas and new year so I guess it will be mid Jan. We've been offered 3x iui by the way, and 1x ivf on nhs.

makingdoo Tue 11-Nov-14 20:31:19

Good luck with your appointment. I'm hoping we will be mid Jan too. I can't help but feel frustrated that almost a month has been wasted since we accepted our offer and are waiting on the consultant to review my medication.

At least my doubts have subsided and we are keen to get moving!

samc85 Fri 14-Nov-14 22:53:41

Hi ladies, just wondering how long it took from the gp referring you to the clinic getting in touch to arrange the first consultation?
Our gp referred us 3 weeks ago, but we haven't heard anything yet...

victoria401 Sat 15-Nov-14 08:17:51

Its probably different everywhere Sam but we were told 6 weeks. There is no harm in calling your clinic direct and asking how long the wait for an appointment is, I did. And it was lucky I did as I found out my GP had filled in the forms wrong and not sent our test results and we had been rejected! Had to start the wait again! Referred in June and had first appointment early September in the end. I'm sure your referral will go through smoothly, bad luck just follows me and dh around like a bad smell lol. Good luck!

samc85 Sat 15-Nov-14 09:40:43

Thanks Victoria, might give them a call on Monday. X

eurochick Sat 15-Nov-14 09:43:22

There was no waiting list when I was referred do it all happened too quickly for me and I ended up pushing it back a few months. These feelings are normal.

samc85 Sat 15-Nov-14 12:46:55

I have a one track mind at the moment, can't stop thinking about it! Not helped by the (it feels) constant pregnancy/baby announcements and 'it'll be you next' comments hmm

Thank you for sharing your experiences. X

Solaia Sun 16-Nov-14 10:53:55

Sorry, didn't realise there were more replies on this thread.

Re telling people, I was happy to tell people (DH less so) but as the treatment has got closer I've been more reluctant. Also, my sisters unexpected pregnancy has changed the way I feel about our infertility. I used to be able to think 'this is just the way it is, nothing to be ashamed of' but somehow her pregnancy has made me feel humiliated at my own lack of ability to reproduce. Ridiculous, I know!

Our wait has been far longer than you all seem to have had! Our GP referred us to the fertility clinic in July 2013, we had an appointment in November 2014, they undertook some investigations and put us on the waiting list in Feb 2014. The waiting list is around a year so we start IVF at the end of January 2015. So a year and a half from referral to treatment starting. It's been a long haul!

Solaia Sun 16-Nov-14 10:54:53

Sorry that should be November 2013 ^

victoria401 Sun 16-Nov-14 13:27:32

Goodness what a wait solaia. Are u in England? I've heard Wales and Scotland have awful waiting lists.

I know how you feel about seeming like you're the only one with a problem in the family. Me and dh both come from massive families with loads of uncles aunts and cousins, and all the cousins have had masses of kids too. My mum got preg with me and my sister in cycle 1and cycle 2 respectively. My sister got preg from a missed pill! No infertility there! What went so wrong with us?!

Solaia Sun 16-Nov-14 14:13:52

Yes in Scotland, there are far longer waiting lists than the Health. Board area I'm in, so I feel pretty lucky! I think it's specifically a year for 'unexplained' infertility, as a % of those on the waiting list will conceive naturally in that time. If the first round doesn't work I think we'll start paying privately. We are moving house to a different area and I am not waiting again!

I am from a massive family and have 7 nieces and nephews all born since 2010. We started trying after the 3rd was born in 2011. I'm not sure why it is us, but that's just the road we're on. sad

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