Hi ladies,
I've posted on the mc threads a few times but I'm not on here very often. Usually in the mc thread.
Me and DH are both 34 and have been trying for baby #1 for over five years. I've had two mcs following successfully fertility treatment this year and I'm just crumbling apart now.
I've tried all I can to accept that I can't be a mum but it's impossible for me to fathom. It's something I wanted so so bad and now morbid thoughts occupy my brain for much of my waking day. What else can I do with my life now?
How do you come to terms with "the cards you've been dealt"? I can barely find the strength to get out of bed every day let alone be positive about my chances of having a good life.
Sorry if this sounds dramatic but it's how I feel and I need to get it off my chest. I daren't tell my GP for fear it will go on medical record and jeopardise adoption chances for the future. Feel so lonely :(
XX
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Catlover2014 · 21/06/2014 00:08
cat 
I'm not sure what to say to help but just wanted to reply to you.
I think you should go to your GP, it sounds like you might need some support, I would be very surprised if someone who has been through what you have been through didn't feel the same way as you do.
I don't have any experience of what you are going through but it sounds awful.
Hi Catlover!
Sorry to hear how down you are I haven't any words of advice I'm afraid, struggling myself although have never experienced the heartbreak of MCs. Accepting the prospect of never 'naturally' having children is a huge, overwhelming concept for most people, I think. My head is firmly buried in the sand but you are facing up to it and all of the potential consequences which can only be a good thing for coping with it properly.
If you are seriously considering adoption though, are there some steps you can take to progress that? I find lack of progress one of the hardest things to deal with, so even tiny steps forward might be helpful to feel like you are on a new path, rather than reached a dead end.
adoption boards have all sorts of odd rules. life is bloody unfair op and rather than trying to accept not being a mother maybe it would be better to start by accepting that you are grieving, totally normal reaction I imagine and it will be a long process to learn to live with it.
Much love and sympathy. 
I am in the incredibly fortunate position of having two children, but I have also had six miscarriages, thus far without, despite investigations and various indications, definitely pinpointed cause. I am coming to terms with probably not having the third child I very much wanted and dh and I have begun to think around fostering.
I bought myself this book, although I know it is not directly relevant to my position - gateway-women.com/book/ - and it's very thorough, taking account of all sorts of situations, and while its thrust is upbeat it doesn't shy away from the pain and grief. It's perhaps most relevant to those who have made the decision to not try any more, but also to those who are still hoping. If you PM me your address I will be happy to send you my copy.
Seeing your GP and a counsellor really is the best step when you're feeling like this.
Forgetting about adoption for a minute, it's most important for you. You need and deserve access to help with what you're going through. Concentrate on your own health first and foremost.
But I wanted to reassure you that seeing your GP and counselling will not jeapordise your chances of adopting. Never put off seeking help because you're worried about what social services will think. In actual fact, they understand how common depression is, and how common it is to need to see counsellors, when you have been going through fertility treatment. They see it as a positive thing to seek help with this - it would be more worrying for them if you had refused to see your GP when you were having difficulties, because they need to know that you can manage your health after adoption, and that you will seek help then if you need it.
We have or have had people on the adoption boards who have suffered depression and anxiety (and anorexia, drug issues and so on and on). In fact, I think it would probably be easier and shorter to list those of us who haven't had depression, than to list those of us who have!
I wish you all the best, and I really hope you find your GP and the counsellor helpful x
Oh Cat. I wish we were closer. I feel we'd get on. If we were, we could meet for drinks and put the world to rights. Hope you feel better today.
I thought I was doing better then DH started to talk about when to get rid of the baby stuff. Hey, it's been 4 weeks now, time to move on apparently .
One phrase that keeps me going is "it's not about the cards you were dealt, it's about how you play the hand". Let's be absolute hustlers and win some way or other 
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Oh Catlover you sound so lovely. Please do seek and accept all the help going.
I do agree that the pain of not being able to have a baby is a unique type of pain, one that you can feel powerless to overcome, and one that a lot of people don't understand.
I'm not going to pretend it will all turn out well for you - some stories don't have a fairy-tale ending, but I hope you and everyone else out there going through the same thing finds a way through.
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