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When is it time to give up?

(12 Posts)
cosysocks Wed 23-Apr-14 18:38:25

We've been ttc #2 for nearly 3 years. In that time i had a mmc at 9 weeks so had a couple of cycles off then.
My DS is not my husbands biological child and I would love nothing more than to give my husband a biological child and my son a sibling. However I just feel it's just becoming all too much.
I'm on my 2nd cycle of 50mg clomid and know that I've got one more month to take and its back off to hospital again to see the consultant (2 years to the date i was in there having medical miscarriage) who will up my dosage. I have one blocked tube, irregular ovulation, mild endometriosis and a low AMH score and have been told that IVF would only have a 15% success rate which we would have to self fund.
I'm due AF on Saturday and have been cramping since last Saturday i've poas few times all bfn, my cramps are intensifying and I know AF is on her way. I spoke to DH few days ago about giving up, he wants to try and continue for a bit longer as he is feeling really positive.
I just don't know if I can just keep going? the constant symptom spotting followed by the devastation every month. I'm not sure it would be so bad but the fact that I cramp for so long before AF arrives no matter what I have at least one week per month where it feels like a constant thought.
On the other hand could I ever really give up? Would I just be the same just not 'trying' as hard, every time we dtd I'd be hoping and praying.
How do you stop trying so it's a true stopping, not just so you might one of the few that got pregnant when they stopped!
Just not sure when is the right time to stop.

suzylee73 Wed 23-Apr-14 20:58:57

I'm sorry to hear your story but know your not alone.
I had my blocked tubes removed and it was a blessing in disguise as I no longer cry every time AF arrives becuase I KNOW its coming. That small bit of hope you cling on to every month sucks the life out of you doesn't it.
My hubby is younger than me and it makes breaks my heart that I have been unable to give him a child. We did the clomid thing and then IVF failed. At 41 I'm going abroad (cheaper) for some donor eggs this year and right now I feel like it will be my last attempt. I suspect if it doesn't work I might change my mind and say just one more time as it's hard giving up.
It's a personal choice giving up but for me I need to look back and not regret not trying. I also find that planning my next move takes my mind off the emotional pain.
If you stopped now how you would feel in a years time, 5 years time? Would you be ok or would you have regrets?

ZingWatermelon Wed 23-Apr-14 21:02:15

I'm sorry you are struggling so much and sorry for your loss as well sad

a friend was TTC for 7 years, then two lots of IVF - it took them almost 10 years to finally have their daughter.
a few years later she did get pg twice within 6 months but sadly lost both babies.

I'm burning to say don't give up but who am I to say that?
If you stop because you kind of have your heart broken monthly and it's just too much then stop. it will be hard, and you will grieve, but at least it's your decision.

or maybe just take a break?
or go for IVF - 15% is not nothing and miracles do happen!

I don't know what to suggest, but whatever you decide to do I hope you'll have the strength and support you need!

lots of love and big hugs.

(I hope I haven't said anything upsetting!)

cosysocks Wed 23-Apr-14 22:31:41

Thanks for the replies, had a chat with DH and we have spoken about waiting the clomid out and re-evaluating things then. The way my hospital appointments and cycles work I think I will end up having a two cycle gap from clomid so I think we're going to use that time to take a small step back.
Suzy sorry to hear you're going through a lot too. In answer to your question, one of the things that I keep going for is to know I tried everything and not think in ten years that I could have tried harder.
As for Ivf we were told by the centre for life that it would be very difficult with my AMH levels I harvest eggs.
I've been for a run so feeling little better, it's just waiting for AF and the feeling of being torn between a slither of hope and than reality.

cosysocks Wed 23-Apr-14 22:34:27

Zing thanks I think I just needed to be honest with myself about how I'm feeling about it all. I admire people like your friend who keep at it for such a long time.

ZingWatermelon Thu 24-Apr-14 00:11:40

I admire your honesty. you and your DH sound like a good, strong team.

it's crap when things don't work out and a struggle to conceive is truly heaetbreaking - precisely why there's a limit of how much each person can take.
I think you should be kind to yourself and if you do decide to stop trying you must never feel guilty about that decision!

still the optimist in me is going to root for you for as long you need, I can't help myself.

Taking a step back is a good plan.

Shroomboom Thu 24-Apr-14 18:35:05

Hi Cosy, so sorry to hear about what you're going through sad Can I ask what your AMH level is?
No one can tell you what to do, you have to do what feels right for you. If you think you can bear to keep trying then you probably should. Only you know when you really can't go on anymore...
I already had a ds, but it took 6 years to have dd. I too have endo, and have an incredibly low AMH level (0.2). I thought we would never get pregnant but we did. In that time I had miscarriages, a second trimester loss and chemical pregnancies. There did come a point where I didn't think I could pick myself up any more, and was seriously considering stopping but the thought of regretting it later in life made me try one more time, and I am so very thankful we did.
Who knows what is around the corner for any of us, but my life philosophy is no regrets. I just knew we needed to keep on trying.
I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do, it's soul destroying to want a child so much and be constantly disappointed.
If you would like more info on AMH and IVF please PM me, I would love to be able to help with any questions you might have!

Shroomboom Thu 24-Apr-14 18:36:53

Sorry, meant to say we had dd through IVF.

cosysocks Sat 26-Apr-14 07:48:27

Thanks shoomboom. My AMH levels were 4 when they were last taken. I know the consultant wants to talk about IVF next time we go in. It just seems so 'big' iykwim, but maybe it's something we could think about more.
I've decided this cycle no opks no ic pregnancy tests. An exit AF due the day my holiday starts so I almost want to forget about it as that's the time I get really stressed.

Shellster52 Sat 26-Apr-14 11:15:12

cosysock. Do you know the size of your ovaries (ultrasound report) or just your AMH? Ovary size usually decreases as egg reserve declines but my AMH was low for my ovary size. My low AMH of 2.5 was due to poor blood supply to ovaries and I increased my AMH to 6.7 and tripled my follicle count on Aspirin before starting IVF.

I know IVF is not something you are doing at the moment and I am jumping the gun, but just wanted to share this with you in case it is any help to you in the future.

cosysocks Sun 27-Apr-14 07:50:23

I don't shellster but it's definitely something to ask about at my next appointment. Tbh this consultant at the local hospital is lovely and eager to help and is willing to answer lots of my questions.

Shellster52 Sun 27-Apr-14 08:38:40

Glad you have a lovely doctor. It took me nearly three years to find one I like! Is it rude to ask how old you are and your AMH level? Mine was only 2.5 at 34 and I am just interested in others womens situation so I can see how common this is.

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