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Apprehensive, scared and for some reason I can't explain, I'm hesitating...any advice?

(10 Posts)
adifferentwoman Sun 23-Mar-14 15:18:23

I'm lucky to have a 6 year old DD, but for the past few years have been wanting a second child and during the past year, I cry every time I see a facebook picture of another friend with another child. DH never wanted another, then had a procedure for a bladder blockage which has resulted in no ejaculation. He has now agreed that we can try for another baby via ICSI - had assumed that if I'd got him to that place, I'd be over the moon to get started, but for some reason I'm hesitating. I easily think of all the negatives...8k down the train with only a 10% chance of it working / child born with disabilities if we did get pregnant / stressful process / my age (just turned 40) and the fact that our life is pretty good and I found the whole first year baby thing pretty horrendous the first time around. However, I adore my DD and nothing can describe the pleasure she gives me. I wish I could just be happy or complete with the three of us. So confused....

woodrunner Sun 23-Mar-14 17:13:47

Where are you going for treatment? 10% seems like a very low stat for ICSII success. Is that because of your age? Shouldn't it be in the 20%s at least, if not 30%s? Ask around to see if you can find a clinic with better stats and also look for self-fund NHS ICSII, that way you only pay what it costs, not any profit to a private clinic.

As to the wobbles you're having, they're very normal and understandable. Maybe you just need to make some decisions. Decide that whether or not it works, the 8k was well spent for giving yourselves the chance of another child.
Decide how many times you will try and put a deadline to them.
As to tough first year - you know that passes now.

Would you consider counselling? Infertility is very emotional territory and maybe someone could help you feel OK about your family being just the three of you.

adifferentwoman Tue 25-Mar-14 08:39:23

Thanks so much for the reply. Yes. Apparently chances are low due to age. Clinic is the CRM one near Baker Street in London and a friend had a great experience there. I think your advice about trying to Imagine how I might feel about the implications is great. And the counselling idea is a really good one. Thanks again. Decision time!

Roshbegosh Tue 25-Mar-14 08:45:04

It is sensible of you to hesitate and look at the negatives, life does not always turn out rosy. Yes it may be £8K down the drain, yes the child could be disabled in some way, yes you could have a really horrible first year. This is reality.

If you think the risk of all that is worth it because another baby will as you say "complete" you, or "make you happy" and you really want to do it then good luck with everything, hope it all works out.

purplemeggie Sun 30-Mar-14 20:17:05

Hi Different - I felt like this, too. I've also got a 6 yo, but my secondary infertility was due to damage during my c-section. It wasn't diagnosed until we'd been ttc for nearly 5 years, by which time I was nearly 41 and probably past my sell-by-date. I had almost come to terms with just having the one - it wasn't easy, but I think I'd cried most of my tears and made peace with it. But DH wasn't ready to let go and he found a way of financing the IVF that he really wanted to try.
I was put off the stats too, but is the 10% that you're looking at the average for your age at your clinic? Because if so, when you actually have all your hormones tested, you might find that they give you better personal odds, especially since you have already had one successful pregnancy. The official stats for my clinic and my age was 12% (but that was 41 and over and they do own-egg IVF for people up to 45), but my personal odds were calculated at 25-30% and that felt more like a horse I could back. Our consultant said that the odds improve significantly if you've had a successful previous pregnancy.
I'm doing the injections for my first cycle now, so I don't have a happily ever after for you just yet (here's hoping), but I feel good about the decision. And (so far at least) the process has been way easier than I expected. Good luck.

roastednut Sun 30-Mar-14 21:22:03

I know how you're feeling, I'm same age and starting icsi at end April. Only difference is we don't have any children. Even so I'm hugely apprehensive both due to cost, stats and the disability thing. My thinking is that we can't afford not to, ie. we don't want to look back in 10 years time and think we should've at least tried again (we've had our 1 ivf free go on nhs which resulted in miscarriage)
It's so bloody hard.

BuffyTy Tue 15-Apr-14 15:22:31

It's actually Different here but have had to change log on to a mumsnet security breach! Purple - thanks for your words - I've everything crossed for you for your first cycle. Roasted - good luck end April. It is so bloody hard - so much grey no matter what the situation is. I've just made our first proper consultant appointment 5 minutes ago - I think the stats situation could change when we discuss our personal situation. More importantly, I don't think I'll truly understand my hesitation until me and DH visit the clinic together. I do think that his resistance - until now - coupled with the fact that he suffers from depression and I think another bout is heading our way, are the biggies which are making me pause. Thank you all for your helpful words.

MewlingQuim Tue 15-Apr-14 15:36:41

I think to stats are average for your age but they will include women who have never conceived. You have had a previous successful pregnancy and that will improve your chances.

I am 41 and about to have my last go at icsi ttc dc2, my odds are put at about 20%. Dc1 was also conceived by icsi.

Also, the chance of natural (non assisted) conception is only 25%.

Fwiw I am also terrified of everything you are and I've done this several times now.

Good luck

BuffyTy Sun 11-May-14 18:37:46

So, after much soul searching, worrying and tying myself up in knots, I've decided that we're going to give it a go. DH seems better since going back on beta blockers, which whilst I know it not a long term solution, makes me feel as though I can be brave enough to make this decision. Feel ok (sometimes it feels better to make any decision at all than to keep naval gazing) but I'm sure when I contact the clinic tomorrow, some of the concerns will be back. Am trying to convince myself that we'll give it one go and if it doesn't work , I've got closure. Who knows though?!?!

BuffyTy Sun 11-May-14 18:38:56

Mewling - thanks for your honesty and info.... and good luck!

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