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Giving Up

(16 Posts)
tryingforsolong Thu 23-Jan-14 12:52:30

It's been 5 years and 3 months now, no sign of a BFP. We are 'unexplained'. I'm 40 and we can't afford private treatment. It breaks my heart but it's tough.

What next? I've been in denial for so long and now I am so tired with it all. I have two friends who are currently pregnant and I hate the fact they are keeping things from me because they know how long we've been trying.

Peppapigisnotmyname Thu 23-Jan-14 18:31:28

So sorry to read your post.

I'm 42. I'm thankfully blessed with two DCs. My first one though, DS who's now nine, took eight years to have and was the result of ICSI. I remember how wretched that longing is and how I felt such despair when I thought it would never be me.

When I was having treatment and also when I had my dd (naturally conceived even though we were told that would be impossible) I 'let go' of it. I got a puppy, started to make plans to go back to college, went to the gym, got a season ticket at the football etc. I was sad about it but decided that my life would just be different to how I'd planned. That's when I got pregnant.

There's not much more I can say. I didn't want your post to go unanswered. Remember you're not alone x

Retrofairy Thu 23-Jan-14 19:02:08

OP have you been on the fertility friend site? I think there are more people on there wondering the same as you. so sorry you find yourself in this situation.thanks

suzylee73 Thu 23-Jan-14 19:09:32

Have you checked whether your PCT funds up to 42? Some do and it's always worth an ask.
I have 1 funded round of IVF about to start and if it fails I am going to accept it and move on. I have my dogs and I will be a great auntie to friends children. I will find all the positives of childlessness and use them to get through.
Good luck x

naty1 Thu 23-Jan-14 21:59:39

Ivf is not all that expensive in itself for 1 round 4k or so about 6 for icsi.
I feel it is the possibility of lots of cycles that the worry of cost comes in.
Also looking after a baby for the first year would cost a similar amount.
It is worth checking if you would be funded.
I would check your success rates on hfea website though as it does change by age.
Have you tried clomid and iuis?
Did it take a while to have all the tests done

tryingforsolong Fri 24-Jan-14 15:26:40

thanks guys.

I was really feeling it yesterday more than ever.

I've tried Clomid and although we could possibly afford some treatment, we do realise we need money to raise a child too.

It is hard, but I have to try and be positive about many other things in my life.


Gingerbreadlady1 Fri 24-Jan-14 19:31:19

Hi tryingforsolong

Hope you don't mind me joining in but wanted to share a success story. My friend is just about to turn forty, was trying for over a year, was really depressed about the whole thing (I'm in the same boat). Specialist told her she would never conceive naturally (something to do with scarring in her tubes due to ovulation). She decided to give up and move on having had enough, 2 weeks later she found out she was pregnant. She's due in 6 wks, miracles happen. We think it was the stress of it all that was stoping it happening, of course when you really want it, it's stressful. Best of luck to you xxx

PicardyThird Fri 24-Jan-14 19:40:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PicardyThird Fri 24-Jan-14 19:42:07

argh, sorry about the link.

Inthebeginning Sun 26-Jan-14 08:44:48

hi trying

giving up was the best thing I did. We were similar to you. We'd tried clomid but had decided if it didn't work we wouldn't do ivf etc. By the time it finished I was diagnosed with depression. It was such a relief to know it was over although utterly destroying too.
It was very difficult but we had to fully accept it was over. We couldn't hold onto the fact that I might get pregnant because I was relaxed,because then I wouldn't have been relaxed iyswim smile
I had counselling and a little bit of time on tablets and our next step was to look at adoption.

I remember being two months in to the adoption process and hoping I didn't get pregnant because that would mean we couldn't do the addition process. That's when I realised I'd accepted it. We are now going for approval this week.

I'm not saying you'll want to adopt as I know it's not for everyone, but you will find a way to get through it. You are strong because of what you have already done.
Take time to become you again and then make your decision


Happiestinwellybobs Sun 26-Jan-14 09:03:05

I would second inthe. We tried for years and towards the end of that time were pursuing IVF having been waiting for 2 years only to be finally told that I couldn't have it as I was peri-menopausal (aged 32). I felt absolutely desolate but also a little relieved at not having to go through it all and concentrated on all the things in life that are easier without children - hobbies, expensive holidays, studying etc. It was also time to grieve for what might have been (if that makes sense).

But, the feeling didn't go away and we still wanted children and we decided to adopt. I also remember a late period during the process and being upset that I might in fact have miraculously got pregnant. I so badly wanted to adopt. And thank goodness we did otherwise DD wouldn't be here.

Like inthe says, adoption isn't for everyone. It's tough going at times, but I can honestly say that it was meant to be for us smile

Take some time for yourself - it might just happen naturally after all, but there are other options which lead to happy endings smile

tryingforsolong Mon 27-Jan-14 10:51:16

Thank you. It's the first time I've really said it out loud, that I'm giving up and it sort of makes it more real.

I have thought about adoption and I'm not sure. Did you know right from the start it was something right for you, or was the feeling gradual? At the moment it's not something I'm feeling.

Happiestinwellybobs Mon 27-Jan-14 13:32:52

I really wasn't sure to begin with. It was a good 18 months after we were told that IVF wasn't an option that we put our first query to our

We had an initial telephone conversation, then met with them face to face for a couple of hours. From the minute we left our first meeting I knew I wanted to do it. Purely selfish. I wanted a child and I couldn't have a birth child, and didnt want to use an egg donated (although my sister offered), so this was the route we needed to take.

It really was the right decision for us. We adopted a beautiful 10 month old, so still had the bottle/nappies stage. I have never felt I 'missed out' on anything, just incredibly lucky.

But, like I said above it isn't for everyone. It is tough going through the process. And we have tough days now, and there will be more as she grows up. Only you will be able to decide whether it is right or not for you. But I would definitely just take some time out from making any decision. SW will need to know that you are at peace with it all if you decide you want to pursue adoption.

And of course there are all these stories of people with unexplained fertility who fall pregnant smile. You never know...

Inthebeginning Mon 27-Jan-14 19:24:30

trying you're not giving up. You're just making the decision to step off for a bit. You can't give up on something that is out of your control.
We always knew that adoption was an option. we'd discussed it before we even knew we had fertility issues.
However, once we stopped our fertility treatment ww knew we had to invest some time in us. We had always said that we didn't want to do ivf but we told our specialist we would like to take a break to decide on what to do next. He was very understanding.
We then gave ourselves six months where we did nothing to do with fertility etc. we grieved, I had counselling and we just lived again.
After those six months we then decided to look into our options re adoption. tbh I thought we wouldn't start the process til Dec but it felt right and things moved quickly and we go to panel this week.

I would say for you to do the same. give yourself 6 months to heal and to discover each other again. You need to be strong before you make any decisions at all.
pm me if you want to talk.inthe

Figaro82 Tue 28-Jan-14 21:05:38

This may or may not help but I am aware that they are currently reviewing NHS policy for IVF and they are looking at providing one round of NHS funded IVF treatment for over 40's up to the age of 42. I have a friend who works for a clinical commissioning group and although it's not been officially confirmed/announced its due to come into effect in April/May this year. Hope it does!

TheBuggerlugs Mon 10-Feb-14 10:21:46

Hello ladies. Some wonderful advice on here.

I'm just at the last stage of the 2ww for my 1st IVF cycle. We've been trying for a family for 3 years, had 2 miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy and I'm about 99% sure the IVF has resulted in a 2nd. I'm only 31 as people keep reminding me but regardless of age, there is only so long you can hit your head against the same brick wall before admitting defeat and walking away.

We've already said we won't do IVF again and we have 3 frozen embryos and I really don't see the point of using them.

Those of you that have given up, can I ask what you did about contraception? I don't want to have the glimmer of hope each month by being contraception free nor can i face taking a tablet everyday. Is the implant / injection an option?

Any advice you can give will be gratefully received.

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