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Best friend is pregnant - how do you cope?

(16 Posts)
FabiOne Thu 09-May-13 17:47:10

My best friend has just announced to me that she is pregnant. Wasnt actually planning to start trying until this month but she has PCOS and was expecting it to take a while. She wasnt being careful and 'accidently' fell pregnant and is 7 weeks already.

For the past 2 and a half years she has been my rock of support along my TTC journey and now I can barely face texting her let alone seeing her.

She told me the news on Tuesday evening and didnt even bring up the fact that I am having trouble. Was expecting her to say 'I know it's hard when you hear news that other people are pregnant' or 'I hope you're not far behind me'. But she said nothing at all, didnt give me a second thought. She just spent the hour and a half telling me all about how she had no idea she was pregnant/what her early symptoms have been/whether she wants a girl or a boy........

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt and upset by all of this? I went home Tuesday evening and cried all night. I dont know how I am going to cope over the next 7 months of her pregnancy. I think I will be avoiding her as much as possible.

Do I tell her I was upset that she didnt even mention the effect it might have on me? She is my best friend and we were bridemsaids for each other but right now I feel like she is just another one of those people announcing their pregnancy news that I am jealous of.

Anyone else been through this? How did you cope?

Nodney Thu 09-May-13 18:03:23

I went through this with my best friend. I had been ttc for a couple of years, she fell pregnant first try. I remember shaking all over when she gave me her news, but saying the "right" things despite how I was feeling. I then went home, had a bath, and cried my eyes out. I still saw her, I just swallowed my sadness and I don't think she knew how bad I was feeling. What helped me, was having a firm plan, with timescales, of what I was going to do, to fight my fertility battle. This battle culminated in IVF which ironically started a few days after her beautiful baby was born. The only time I let myself be upset in front of her was when I visited her in hospital to see her and the baby. I don't think she really understood my pain so wasn't sensitive to my issues and I didn't want to cloud her pregnancy by making her feel guilty about managing something I couldn't! So get a plan and fake it. I know it's very very hard. X x

FabiOne Thu 09-May-13 18:16:22

Hi Nodney

Thanks for your reply.

When she told me the news I did my best to fake delight in everything she was saying to the point where I could win an award for Best Actress
I think I am more annoyed by the fact that she knows exactly what I have been going through and in the 1 and a half hour conversation didnt mention it once (even though previously it was all we talked about). I would never want her to feel bad for being pregnant. This is just the hardest pregnancy annoucement of the lot (and I always knew deep down it could go this way and I'd feel this way)

I like how you call it 'fighting your fertility battle'. I will think of it this way from now on. How are you getting on with your battle (please dont feel like you have to answer that if you don't wish to)?

I am starting IVF in September so hopefully I wont be far behind her and just have to remind myself that my journey is just a different route to hers but we will get to the same place in the end smile xxx

Happilymarried155 Thu 09-May-13 18:21:48

I totally agree with nodney.

At first I thought I would never be able to cope but somehow you do, I always kept in my head my fertility plan and the thought that I will get there it's just taking me longer. I was also honest with her sometimes and if I was having a bad day I told her. That way she knew I didn't want to talk babies all day, other days I'd happily go to the baby shops with her.
I'm sure she didn't mean to be so insensitive, she probably got caught up in the excitement or maybe she was nervous about telling you because of your troubles and therefore didn't want to upset you by mentioning it.

I've got three friends due in June, one if then my best friends. I find it dies get easier after the announcements and you really do just have to fake happiness and then have a large glass of wine with your non pregnant friends!

Good luck, I hope you turn comes soon smile

FabiOne Thu 09-May-13 18:34:54

Hi Happilymarried155

Thank you for the good luck wishes.

I think you're right, she probably didnt realise and I should be honest with her in the future if it's starting to do my head in.

Guess I am just sad that I was always the one that knew more about TTC and I was teaching her about the acronyms for sites like this etc and now she's sort of overtaken me in the fertility race (even though I know it's not an actual race). I guess Im gutted that she's going to experience all of this before me and will be the one to talk me through every step.

She always said that I hadn't got pregnant yet because I was waiting for her to start TTC - would be great if she's right.

Thanks Happilymarried155 smile xxx

makingdoo Thu 09-May-13 18:35:56

Hi fabi
What the other posters have said I completely agree with. My BF is pregnant with her 2nd and both times has got pregnant really quickly. Other friends in our circle seem to be popping out babies like nobodies business!

I found it really hard when BF told me about her 2nd pregnancy but did as everyone else and acted how I should.

The other thing, and please don't take this as me being harsh but at that moment she just wanted to share her good news with her friend. You say she had been your rock through your battle so now it's her turn to be able to talk about what's going on in her life without worrying about upsetting you all the time. I know it's hard but please don't avoid her and end up ruining your good friendship. If things are tough then tell her and she will understand.

I hope that your battle ends positively for you x

Nodney Thu 09-May-13 23:17:26

Hi Fabi, my fertility battles have ended very well, I'm happy to say. My best friend's child is now nearly 7, and my DS from my first round of IVF is nearly 6. I did the IVF again and had another DS who has just turned 2, and I'm pregnant with my last frozen embryo now, 34wks. My friend and I are still close and we both got there in the end, just on different tracks! I don't think she ever, to this day, realised how painful I found it. I don't think anyone understands how utterly dreadful and helpless infertility makes you feel, unless they've been there themselves x

Pusspuss1 Thu 09-May-13 23:38:37

I'm sure it's not that she didn't give your feelings a second thought - she will have known only too well that this would be tough for you right now, and she probably didn't know how to bring that up and handle it sensitively. I think even close friendships tend to go through these phases sometimes when your circumstances are different, which makes you feel a bit out of synch. I bet in a year or two you'll be pregnant or already have a baby yourself, and you guys will be as close as ever and enjoying endless baby chat together!

whohasmyusername Fri 10-May-13 02:04:15

We have been TTC for over 2 years now. My bf got married in July 2011 and got pregnant straight away. I sort of find it easier when people close to me get pregnant easily, rather than people that I'm not quite so close to. I think it's because these babies will be part of my life, rather than just someone I'll hear about, if that makes sense.

I'm the godmother to my friend's daughter. She's a beautiful little thing and I really look forward to seeing her. I talk to my friend a lot about our journey and it sort of seems separate to her life. She won't understand how hard it is, but I'm sure your friend is thinking about you, even if she doesn't know the right way to react (because there probably isn't one). I don't really know what to say, because it's so hard, and if someone doesn't go through the same difficulties that we do, then they can never really understand fully what it's like.

TallGiraffe Fri 10-May-13 02:30:41

I'm not normally on this bit but your thread popped up in my active conversations.

I remember crying for hours when my best friend emailed me to say she was pregnant on their first month of trying. She knew we'd been trying for ages, but I had kept the details of our issues private and up until tht point hadn't talked about it much. After a few weeks of daily texts, calls and emails about how much she'd eaten / been sick etc I broke. I sent her a very carefully worded email saying that while I was very happy for her and wanted to share her journey, that she had to understand that it wasn't going to be easy for me to be happy all the time. I went round and we both had a big cry!

IMO unless you've been through it personally you can have no idea how much pain and heartache comes with infertility. Use these forums to let out your pain to people who understand. I certainly didn't have a clue until we went through it.

For us it ended well - I'm up feeding our miracle at the moment. I wish you all the luck and best wishes or your future.

chelsbells Fri 10-May-13 18:15:16

Going through this right now! It kills to even talk to her! She was my chief bridesmaid at our wedding last year and we've been there for each other through everything, but this time I'm having to keep my distance as while she's waiting to find out the sex of the baby, we're waiting to find out why we haven't conceived in 18months for baby #1! It's horrible to feel I can't even talk to her anymore which I suppose is why I've joined on here! It's so hard when she just wants me to reel in her joy but I can't, when we're right at the beginning of fertility tests ��

marzipanned Sun 12-May-13 10:10:04

I've been through this, and what I will say is: it's very, very hard during the pregnancy.

I had a friend who was similar - wonderfully supportive before she fell pregnant, then utterly self consumed when she did, with no word whatsoever as to how it might make me feel.

BUT when her baby was born, every shred of animosity fell away. I looked at this beautiful little baby and felt nothing but love, excitement and privilege that I'll get to be a part of her life. And I felt so proud of my friend for having birthed this sweet little human.

I also felt very strongly that I was not at all envious of them having their baby - as much as I do adore her, she isn't mine and my DH's...and I am okay with waiting for ours to come along. Of course I hope that it will be sooner rather than later; of course I hope that my friend's children and my children are close in age and can grow up together.

So, if you need to, do avoid your friend during the pregnancy. Or, if you feel up to it, tell her how difficult the situation is for you. But once the baby is born I think you will be delighted to be a part of its life.

FabiOne Wed 15-May-13 12:05:32

Hello ladies

Thank you for all the great advice. I am feeling a lot more positive about things since I started this thread and am genuinely really pleased for my friend. I am booked in for my initial consultation for IVF and planning our first cycle at the start of September. I now feel like I have a game plan and am feeling positive about it.

makingdoo - you're right in what you say about her wanting to enjoy her news. I can now completely see that she was so over the moon about it and wanted to share her delight with me. I'm sure it didn't even cross her mind that it might hurt my feelings and was just taken away with the moment.

Nodney - Glad to hear that IVF has been successful for you and that you weren't far behind your friend. I think you're right, people have absolutely no idea unless they go through it themselves. My friend emailed me a few days later and after a few emails back and fore gave me some advice. Don't think about it and it will happen, as it did for her. This really annoyed me and I had to force myself to be nice back. If only I had known this 2 and a half years ago! DOH! That's where I have been going wrong. But I managed to put this comment to one side and tell myself that she is one of the lucky ones and will never know how hard it is to try and try and try...

Pusspuss1 - I hope you're right. Would love to go through this together but if not...well I'll be 'Cool Aunty Fabi'!

whohasmyusername - since reading your response on here, I have started to think about the future and how I will be a part of the little girl/little boy's life. My BF was my maid of honour and I was hers so I hope we will continue to be as close going forward.

TallGiraffe - thank you for the good luck wishes. I am glad that everything worked out well for you in the end. I think I will see how things go in the future and if it all gets too much I will tell my friend but at the moment I am feeling positive about things.

chelsbells - I know it's hard but try to take some advice from the ladies on here. Don't avoid her and try to be part of what's happening to her. I have tried to email my friend or text her as I would have done normally. And she's coming over tomorrow for a cuppa (which we do quite regularly on a Thursday). This will be the first time I have seen her in person since she told me the news and it could well end up with her talking about the baby all night but I think I am prepared for this and if push comes to shove I will just ask her if we can limit the pregnancy talk. Good luck with all your fertility tests. Really hope you're not far behind your friend smile

marzipanned - nice to hear that although the pregnancy was really really hard, once the baby was born you felt very differently. Really hope you're not far behind too smile

Sounds like there are a lot of us ladies out there and guess there is nothing you can do to avoid it. Unfortunately these things happen. I have left FB after the endless pregnancy announcements and scan photos but there is no getting away from it altogether!

Good luck to everyone who is still in this boat smile (and sorry for such a ridiculously long post!!]

Viv77 Fri 24-May-13 10:15:13

Fabione your story is so similar to mine but instead of it being my best friend it's my sister in law.

I suffer from PCOS and have been trying for four years to get pregnant and kept it secret from everybody until about a year ago after all investigations were carried out and I knew we would have to fund it ourselves that's when in my eyes it really turned serious and that's when I told close family and friends.

I have a pretty good relationship with my sister-in-law but the thing that hurts the most about this is a month before she made the big announcement I told her how bad things were for us and it's like we didn't have that conversation and that I had not been trying the last four years or so it was all about her good news. I don't expect anyone to put their life on hold for me and I understand she is excited but show a bit of compassion surely? We had a heart to heart with me crying telling her how bad things have been and what a strain it has put on our marriage and it's like we never had that conversation.

Out of the four years it's only been in the last year that I took things really badly.

Things are finally starting to move now though we've chosen a clinic and any day now we should start stimming so I keep my fingers crossed that we get the result we want as quickly as possible.

Who feels it knows it that's my motto and that's why mumsnet and forums in general have been a god send. I've found it so helping speaking to people that really understand what you are going though and can pass on their experience or knowledge or just to have a rant once in a while to get it all out.

I'm wishing all you ladies luck in the future

Take care

FabiOne Mon 27-May-13 12:35:21

Hi viv77

Sorry to hear that you've had a similar experience with your sister in law. Think you're right when you say "who feels it, knows it". My sister in law has known for the last 6 months that we are having problems ttc but she hasn't got a clue about how hard it is. She fell pregnant by accident at 19 and then 5 years later when they decided to try for #2 she fell pregnant first month. I try to convey to her how difficult it is going month after month with the disappointment and she just doesn't grasp it. Says annoying things like 'I'm sure it'll happen" and "try to relax". Things I know she is only saying to try to help or because she doesn't know what else to say but in all honesty I wish she would just be quiet!

Some people can be so insensitive even when they know what you're going through, like your sister in law. Im sure she hasnt forgotten the conversations youve had, its almost as if baby brain engages and normal brain goes out the window. A friend of mine knows our trouble at ttc but that didn't stop her spending ALL evening talking about her pregnancy, to the point where I almost walked out of the restaurant (i wasnt the only one that noticed she was so wrapped up in herself). Now I can't be bothered to see her and couldn't care less of how many weeks she has left to go.

This ttc malarkey can make you very bitter but you're right, its good that we have things like Mumsnet to rant on and get advice from! At least we know we are not alone.

Good luck for your treatment, really hope you get the news you've so long hoped for xxx

frannie2013 Wed 29-May-13 00:21:40

Ladies, reading your posts is helping me a lot - thank you for sharing.

Currently three women in my family are pregnant . one sister who is 43 and on her third - 4 months in, her 24 year old daughter - 3 months in, (her 22 yr old has a 2 year old...!) and another sister (who I'm really close to) 35, who called me this evening to say she is 3 weeks in (yes a very complicated family!!) . i'm 37, have shed-loads of fertility problems that i don;t talk about and no one even asks.

I'm delighted for my niece(s) and little sister and her husband but ffs... i think that one has broken the camel's (i.e. mine) back.

my bf is amazing, but he lives miles away and we only see each other on weekends mainly. we discuss children lots and lots - he in fact is more keen to have them than me! we also discuss strategies on how to live together (with my job it is tricky... I know...) - and we don't take any contraception but it just isn't 'happening' and i'm getting to the point of thinking of just giving up (whilst crying my heart out writing this) as i have a great life and loads (and loads) of kids around (inc best friend - she has three, another really good friend has one, and just loads etc) but...

i'm seeing my sister at the weekend (she also lives miles away) and can't wait to be happy for her but I know my heart will be breaking just a little bit. its like the opposite of Schadenfreude. there is no word I know, not in english anyway.

I hope all of your dreams come true super soon. Sorry to share more sadness - I just have no idea where to go / who to talk to.

life sucks sometimes!!! xxx

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