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Stillbirth at 41 weeks and now having to try IVF, first meeting in 3 months. Any advice?

(12 Posts)
Appleseed365 Tue 05-Mar-13 16:32:10


So, just over a year ago my daughter died at 41 weeks, possibly due to independent midwife errors.

We are coping well and are very strong as a couple but returning from seeing the fertility doctor this morning has left me feeling very sad and confused.
I am 41 years old and this was our first child.

The consultant has recommended we "go for it" in the next 3 months and then our first IVF appointments will begin if I don't become pregnant in the next while.

Needless to say I feel sad and cheated and a whole host of feelings, I was pregnant, I did have a beautiful perfect baby and now I am starting at what feels like less than zero.

Please can anyone out there share with me some positive stories on how I can frame this hard time? The specialist is happy there may not be an underlying issue, 2 rounds of Clomid didn't work, but I have regular periods and sperm are all fine.

I am scared of the IVF process. I have a wonderful, happy fulfilled life at the moment, but can see that this looming on the horizon may engulf the sunshine I now feel since the desperate sadness of last year.

Better to walk away and not try? Can IVF be framed in such a way that it can be made easier?

All me friends now have children and I do actually feel that despite children I have a really amazing life better than anyone, and a truly loving kind incredible husband...

I need this to stay small. A life without children can still be a valid one.

Any words of wisdom happily received smile


firstpost Tue 05-Mar-13 16:44:33

Firstly, so very sorry for the loss of your daughtersad

I would say that before I started IVF I had heard alot about how stressful and difficult it would be. I can honestly say that for me this was not the case. The injections were for only ten days or so, after your first few I found it no more stressful than brushing my teeth. I did not suffer effects of the hormones, the egg collection was pain free and the hardest part was the two week wait for the result. Of course this is just my experience but I am sure I am not alone.I had 3 rounds in a year with success on the final attempt.

Can you frame it as a short cut to get to the point of having the embryo? Fertilty is in many ways a numbers game.

I would absolutely agree that a life without children is still fulfilling and worthwhile. Best of luck whatever you decide.

stargirl1701 Tue 05-Mar-13 16:46:14

No advice, but a big hug. I'm so sorry for your loss.

clairedunphy Tue 05-Mar-13 17:10:25

Again, so sorry for your loss, and well done for staying so strong in such a terrible time.

I'm about to start my third round of IVF and will be 41 this year. I conceived DS1 naturally and there appears to be no reason why we've struggled for a 2nd, all our tests checked out fine so we are one of the many with "unexplained infertility". From what I've learned from other forums, friends etc who have been through it, the side effects can vary enormously.

Like firstpost I found it much easier than I expected, both times (and hopefully will again this time). The worst for me was getting a positive pregnancy test last time and then losing that pregnancy very soon afterwards, but we've moved on ok from that now.

My injections were for about 5 weeks (I was on the long protocol, so this means downregulation followed by stimulation, perhaps you were on short protocol firstpost?). I also injected a blood thinner after egg collection which was more painful than the others but still fine.

It's not clear from your OP why you're having IVF? Did you conceive naturally the first time? Is it just that you haven't been able to conceive since? I suspect the extent of side effects might depend on the dose of stimulation drugs you're on, I was on a low dose which I assume is why I got off lightly with side effects (just my opinion, not sure if this is actually the case).

We use a clinic reasonably local to us (private) and this has helped us to not let it rule our lives for the 6 weeks or so of treatment. Yes, you are at the mercy of appointment times, often at short notice in the week leading up to egg collection, but we managed to carry on as normal and still make plans etc rather than focusing all our energies on the treatment alone.

I'm not sure if my personal experience helps you come to a decision, but I just wanted to give the view that IVF doesn't have to take over your whole life and/or make it feel like it's all doom & gloom.

Appleseed365 Tue 05-Mar-13 17:28:49

We conceived naturally first time round, which counts for us, but perhaps my endo is back... Doc doesn't think so but without me going under its not known... Hence he is suggesting the IVF route. Age not counting in my favour etc.

He can't see any reason and really it's just about catching the egg when they are released in the next few months, using the predictor tests and like he said... Grab your husband and go for it...

I suppose what's hard is focussing on this as a positive when I know the only reason I am here is because my daughter died. That's the savage part and the bit I suppose it knotted in with the IVF.

Perhaps like everything else, it will heal in time.

Think I will give diet changes a go in the mean time, and cut out alcohol and caffeine and sugars. Fingers crossed the IVF path won't have to be met, I have a last round of Clomid first to try too, though he isn't really sure it will benefit me much as I ovulate monthly anyway.

Thanks for the kind supportive words.


clairedunphy Tue 05-Mar-13 17:36:24

Well huge luck to you, whatever you decide. Not to be negative, but I was put on Clomid by the NHS consultant before we went private, and was then told by my private cons. that I should never have been put on it (because I ovulate regularly too), and in fact she said there's evidence of it adversely affecting fertility if used by those who don't need it. I haven't heard this anywhere else so I'm not sure where her evidence came from, it so happened that I was finishing the course anyway so I just stopped taking it and didn't think much more about it.

Try & enjoy the next 3 months smile and do try & stay positive (I hate it when people say that to me, but there really is evidence that stress can be a big factor with infertility). Here's hoping IVF will always remain a mystery to you!

Sashabella0 Tue 05-Mar-13 17:36:43


I am 20 weeks pregnant after my first go on IVF using the long protocol. I didn't find it too much trouble. I was a little dehydrated from the Buserlin injections and had a little pain following the egg collection. After they put the fertilised eggs back in I went straight to see a client at work.

I also cut caffeine out, drank a pint of skimmed milk and 4 pints of water a day. I ate dried apricots and Brazil nuts in the hope these would make the lining if my womb nice and cosy!

I hope you don't need to go down the IVF route, but would advocate it if you do. You might have everything to gain.

Appleseed365 Wed 06-Mar-13 10:59:40

Thanks for that. Yes I am going caffeine and alcohol and wheat and sugar (refined) free for the next three months, done it before so know its fine, and have been taking lots of whole foods and vitamin enriched veggies etc.

Good luck with your pregnancy and in the mean time I will be as happy and relaxed as I can muster. smile

firstpost Wed 06-Mar-13 19:08:02

It must be mentally very difficult as IVF was not supposed to be part of your journey and it is so unfair that you are in this position at all. To feel ambivilent I am sure is normal.

Maybe take some time to decide weigh up what a child / life without children would mean to you. If you decide it is something you desperately want then go at it full pelt, and IVF can be part of that. If it then doesnt happen you will have no regrets for not trying everything and if it does then how the baby was conceived will cease to matter pretty quickly.

WaterfallsOver Sun 10-Mar-13 08:23:59

Apple I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter, it is the saddest thing sad

I'd like to offer some positivity about IVF. I was told that I'd never conceive naturally due to internal injury. I was so glad that IVF could help me have the child I'd dreamed of! I bought the Zita West IVF book and read it cover to cover, booked to see a doctor at an IVF clinic and threw myself into the process. I was very lucky as I got pregnant first time and now have a ds and some frozen embryos we can use in the future.

Although it is daunting, if you really want it IVF is fine, in my experience the doctors and nurses are very supportive and there's lots you can do to help the process, like giving up alcohol, eating lots of veggies and gentle exercise.

I wish you luck in your decision and if you have any other IVF worries just post smile

Siri1 Wed 13-Mar-13 13:20:38

Hi there. It is so good to hear you weigh up the positives of your loving relationship & quality of life. Me & DH had given up on having children after 10yrs+ of TTC (6yrs IVF). I have to say that I really didn't have any problems with the treatment in terms of feeling unwell because the clinical team was so on the ball, even when I overstimulated. The easiest by far was the short protocol, all done after 10 days of stimulation (was on long protocol for over a month on one round). Getting to a point where we accepted that children were pretty much off the cards meant we were relaxed and relatively content for the first time in many years, allowing us to appreciate what we did have. The we used frozen embryos from an earlier cycle (not expecting it to work), what do you know... It worked! I'll be 42yrs

Siri1 Wed 13-Mar-13 13:25:33

Meant to say, you have a much better chance of success than many people who go through ivf as you are starting from a point where you know you can conceive so I bet itd be straight forward for you both. If you can, try & get head start on making sure you have any test you need to begin treatment, up to date smear result, chlamydia test, DH sperm count, etc. As waiting for these can delay start of treatment.

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