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Failed IVF - feeling really sad

(24 Posts)
Twinkle2012 Wed 14-Nov-12 18:42:24

Hello all, this is my first post.
I am 35 and found out yesterday that my first FET failed. This year we have had 2 IUIs and one IVF. After the first IVF cycle failed, I asked that they look at my lining which I felt strongly was the problem and they did an endometrial biopsy and diagnosed that I was out of phase - meaning that if I was actually 8 days past ovulation, my lining was only the equivalent of 4 days past and so not ready for the embryo. This is treated with progesterone injections and HRT and by replacing the embryo 4 days later than the actual cycle day.

I was doing sort of ok today and then my cousin sent me an e-card telling me that I am a wonderful step mum and that being a mum is so much more than biology (I see my 13 year old step son once a week). Then my mum said that my partner and her were worried about me going through another cycle because of how upset i have been with this one.

I am fed up with the world now and the self righteous parents who think that the pain of wanting a child will stop if I stop trying.

We've only had one failed cycle but I feel like they have written me off as childless forever and that makes me so sad.

Sorry for the glum post but I all of a sudden feel so lonely sad All my friends, sister, step sister, cousins (and even my step son's mum have babies and I just feel hopeless right now.

Thanks for reading ...

Wommer Wed 14-Nov-12 18:48:14

Oh sweetheart, I feel for you sad
Take some time out to regroup physically and mentally.
There are some great people on here who will give better advice than me but didn't want to read and run

Pocket1 Wed 14-Nov-12 19:05:56

Oh Twinkle I am so sorry. Ive been there so I know how heartbreaking it is. What have your clinic said they may try next? Thy should be adapting your treatment each time.

Can I suggest you join us on the assisted conception thread on conception - a very friendly group of ladies in similar situations and some v experienced so may be able to offer more advice. smile

Twinkle2012 Wed 14-Nov-12 19:22:16

Hi Pocket

I have a follow up next week and I am sure the consultant will say to do a second fresh round in January.

The thing that has upset me is that after one round my family seem to be giving up on me and it feels like the think I should do the same which I just can't. And it's made me feel just awful..

I will look for the thread you've mentioned.

Thank you

ilikesweetpeas Wed 14-Nov-12 19:48:34

I am so sorry to hear this, I was distraught when this happened. It's such a horrible feeling and the hormones don't help. I hope that you are able to rest and maybe have some time off work. When this happened to me the docs were able to change my treatment which made it successful the next time. Thinking of you at this difficult time and I hope you have good news soon

Luckystarfour Wed 14-Nov-12 20:50:04

Hi twinkle
I really feel for you, I too have been there. I would say that your family probably feel helpless and want to protect you - I know mine did and I had some silly arguments with my parents when they 'put their foot in it' deep down I'm sure you know it's because they care and feel so dissapointed for you too. There's nothing worse than others pre empting how you'll be/cope though is there.

One piece of advice I would give is do consider waiting three months after and Ivf round I'm unsure if it is different after IUI. I really regret doing my second cycle so soon, I got a poorer response - less eggs/embryos than round one or three.

I'm hoping you won't go through this dissapointment again but as someone who has, although its never easy, you do develop coping strategies and become quite pragmatic about it. Ivf is an unknown science which can be quite un predictable.

You just hang on in there and call upon others in the group too xxx

Twinkle2012 Wed 14-Nov-12 21:14:42

Thank you for the replies and for the advice. I hope I will be a support to you and others when I feel better.

I hadn't thought about waiting to ensure response is not impacted. That's useful to know. However, I waited 5 months between fresh and FET as they were trying to sort out my "out of phase" lining so I've been on HRT and therefore not ovulating at all for a while.

I really appreciate the responses - I hope you are all coping ok on your journeys.

Ilikesweetpeas - I forget about the effects of the hormones..

Luckystarfour - glad I'm not alone with parents and their feet - I am sure it is just as hard for my mum as for me, but then I find myself resentful that she has a daughter to worry about and i don't have that - i can't believe how sorry for myself I am!

Thanks again for the replies xx

lozster Wed 14-Nov-12 22:11:12

Hi twinkle - couldn't not reply. I've had 3 ivf and 1 FET in the past 12 months. I'm currently on a 2ww (how I hate that term especially when prefixed with a twee 'dreaded') with every pmt symptom presenting itself right on cue so I feel for you in spades.

I made a conscious decision not to tell my family about any of my treatment. It's all such a giddy whirl of excitement at first But for many people it's a marathon not a sprint and it's hard to be there for the long haul. Your family think they know what is best for you but you've got to figure out and stick to what is best for you and your partner. To be honest, I would be very hurt at the comment about your step child that your cousin made. It may be well meant but it totally misses the point. What next? Helpful advice that there are lots of children needing adopting? I think you may need to be more selective about who you share details of your treatment with. Sometimes less is more.

Take time and re-group. Talk to your partner and decide what the next plan of action is AND what the b and c plans are. Having a range of options in scope helps stop me having a melt down when one plan does not work out. Others will think differently but I would say keep the plan and discussion between the two of you. Only share with people who you are confident will be supportive in the long term.

Twinkle2012 Thu 15-Nov-12 07:12:15

Lozstar, thank you. I hope you are doing ok.. There's nothing more i can say than that is there..

I'm considering doing the same as you - I have been v close to my cousin in the past and I only just let her know what was going on so had to tell her it failed - I can't believe she sent me an e-card :-/

The thing is, I am close to my family and friends and open so it's hard for me to keep it to myself - otherwise I feel completely shut off like I'm lying I guess. Silly really - I should be strong and keep quiet but it seems to make it worse for me.. I don't talk about it much but letting people know stops me feeling like it is all bottled up and too much to deal with if that makes sense..

I do hope this is the one for you..

Thank you x

blondebaby111 Thu 15-Nov-12 11:21:10

Aww twinkle i'm so sorry. Never give up, your day will come. I can only imagine how upset you feel,i'm 35 and currently on the 2ww to see if round one of ivf has worked. When we got home after transfer i felt so postive but today..well not so positive..probably because if this doesn't work i'll feel exactly the same as you.
Can't you take some time out from work and do some nice things just for you to cheer yourself up. I keep telling myself that if this fail then i will have that bloody big glass of baileys at xmas rather than watching everyone else!! Have a little breather, take a few months off and good luck for round two....we are all here to hold your hand xxx

LookBehindYou Thu 15-Nov-12 11:34:35

Hi. I had a successful IVF pregnancy on my second try when I was 40 and am very glad I didn't give up because it's just been successful again. Make sure you have all the tests and keep calm. I too didn't share that I was doing IVF. The pressure becomes too much.
I think that your family are being kind. But when people have just popped kids out they have no idea at all. Another reason why I didn't share details.
If I read it right you have just had one set of IVF, the FET resulting from that. Am I right? The first attempt is a bit of a trial. With your next IVF your consultant will have a much better idea of what to try. If you had some eggs to freeze you're obviously producing great ones, so it's just a matter of time.
Best wishes to you and I'm so sorry this one failed. For some reason, the day after you get the shitty news, the whole world seems to get pregnant.

Twinkle2012 Thu 15-Nov-12 11:47:39

Thank you blondebaby - really, really good luck to you. I understand how you feel - the first two days or so there is so much hope because the embryos are floating around in there waiting to implant and then after that, well, they either have or they haven't and you have no control - that's what you're feeling right now smile

I am lucky that I manage my family business so if I decide to take time off I can - no questions asked - but tbh sometimes I need work to just have stuff to do to get me through the day!

You're message made me a bit emotional - isn't it weird what sets you off??

I've had two lovely big glasses red wine the past two nights and @I've ordered lots of alcohol for Xmas so I am with you on "enjoying a drink at Christmas" (and other times).

Hang in there - I know the wait is so hard. Tbh, the wait is worse than knowing it has failed so it won't getting any worse than this for you... Fingers crossed it has worked and you will be a very happy person by this time next week smile

Take care..

Twinkle2012 Thu 15-Nov-12 13:18:08

Lookbehindyou - thanks for replying. Yes one IVF and one FET from same batch of eggs so I think that counts as just one round doesn't it..The fresh round I think was doomed to fail as my lining issue wasn't discovered until tests i have after that first fresh round.

My worry is that this delayed lining diagnosis is potentially just one doctor's opinion and I am clinging on to it as a reason why I havent got pregnant naturally and why IVF will work for me if I get treatment for my lining issue.

I'm clinging on to it mostly because there is no other reason why it's not happening.

I will try to keep quiet - I've been quite discreet for me but I guess I will have to been even quieter smile

Thanks again x
Congratulations to you

lozster Thu 15-Nov-12 13:23:38

I guess 'the need to share varies by personality. I draw on my partner and tell some stuff to just one friend at work. Also folks here and on fertility friends have also been good - probably because they are not real life!

I think ivf is a steep learning curve. No one is as invested in it as you, they don't have the same knowledge so no wonder they say the wrong thing with the right intention. They are probably drawing on such reliable sources as Coronation street. my partner has got to the stage where he demands we fast forward Izzy, Gary and Tina. I however, prefer to watch and grind my teeth - its a bit like picking a scab!

Give yourself some time - I can guarantee that you will not feel this bad in days never mind weeks. Talk to you partner - he probably feels responsible for your grief and wellbeing and that's hard.

LookBehindYou Thu 15-Nov-12 13:57:21

Hi Twinkle. I worried that my post sounded smug. What I didn't add was that I had two failed cycles before this successful one. In fact 3 because I had a failed FET too. I know how it feels to get the negative news. The 2ww is in a way even worse. Bad news is almost a relief. We always used to go to an Indian restaurant and drink lots of beers the night of the news. Everyone has their own way. Do do lots of nice treaty things with your dh. Remind yourselves that you're together and okay.
I always give the advice to share updates very sparingly, if at all. I only told one close friend. When every day you're going through the meds it's a roller coaster of anxiety and someone who hasn't experienced it just can't understand why a twinge in the wrong area can send you to dr google for the next 5 hours. Or why realising in the middle of the night that you forgot to take your <fish oil/prenatal/weird wonderful miricle herb> gets you out of bed.
Will you have a feedback meeting with your consultant?

Good luck Blondebaby. How much longer do you have to wait?

blondebaby111 Thu 15-Nov-12 14:00:37

Thankyou twinkle, I'm with u on that one. I work for myself and have this week off start back nxt week but there's only so much relaxing u can do and tbh I think I would rather be at work so I'm not obsessing over everything.
I admire the fact u told very few people, I have been very open about my treatment which now I'm regretting as I will constantly be asked if its worked or not. If there's a nxt time I'm gonna keep it quiet.
Good luck to u and hope the tests go well with sorting out your lining..unfortunately we have unexplained..5 of our six eggs fertilized, we've just had one put back but I have a feeling that the implanting is a problem with me but don't know if there's any tests for this.
Enjoy all your alcohol for xmas and raise a toast to 2013 being your year!! smile xx

Broodymomma Thu 15-Nov-12 14:05:26

I am actually sat here in tears at your post it has brought back so many memories. I have had 6 failed full ivf with the last one ending in march this year. Only today did I meet with the fertility councillor at my clinic and I wish to god I had done in years ago. It does not take away the pain but it was wonderful to sit and talk to someone who did not know me and just listened. She asked some questions that really made me think and also done a exercise with me that although heartbreaking really did help.

It is early days for you and very raw but I strongly suggest speaking to the councillor if you clinic has one. It's not a magic wand and you won't come out suddenly happy but it really did help me today.

The only thing that will help you now is time so like everyone above has said be kind to yourself. Don't feel you have to put a brave face on just give things time. You are stronger than you think you are, to get through what you have then you have to be.

It's not just your family I think most have a case of foot in mouth however well meaning when it comes to dealing with this nightmare. My councillor decision was made when a family member said to me "do you think you done your ivf's wrong as it worked for my friends daughter twice" yip just what I needed to hear.

Please take heart that I am crap at ivf, always a poor response but along with 6 fails, 3 of them early miscarriages I somehow got a bfp from fet who is now 5 years old. The thing that was least likely to work is what worked but every full ivf before and after failed. Keep plugging away, pick yourself up in a few months and keep going. I hope it does not seem like I'm saying oh look at me I got a child, I'm just trying to show that sometimes when you think there is no hope you may just be surprised one day. I really hope things come good for you on your next cycle
And you get your much longed for baby xx

Twinkle2012 Thu 15-Nov-12 16:20:19

Thank you Broodymomma - I appreciate your post and I am very pleased your FET worked for you (and selfishly for me as of course it gives me hope smile)

Blondebaby - I am "unexplained" but I pushed for the endometrial biopsy as I heard that they normally wait 3 rounds before they start to look at implantation as seeing as I had such a good response in terms of eggs and fertilisation etc I figured the problem must be implantation and I was right!

Hopefully this first round wil work for you but if it doesn't maybe push for implantation factors before the next one as at least I didn't have to fail more than once before they did a bit more digging. It's sort of nice to not be "unexplained" anymore although I think the test is quite specific - I wonder there are people out there that arent as pushy as me run out of money before they know that a delayed lining is the problem...


worldgonecrazy Thu 15-Nov-12 16:27:14

I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you. Even when everything is "just right" the chances of getting pregnant are still only something like 1 in 3. The sad truth is that most IVF cycles do fail, but the good news is that any one cycle can succeed. Good luck for next year. Hopefully they will have found out enough information this cycle to give you the best possible chance next time.

Take some time to heal, to spoil yourself, and to renew your energies.

It took us 3 rounds of IVF for it to happen and it was worth the wait. Good luck!

blondebaby111 Thu 15-Nov-12 16:28:55

Hi lookbehindyou, sorry just seen your post, thankyou..I have another 9 very longs days to wait..only had my transfer on tues and tbh I know he means well but dh keeps asking if I feel any different yet..I've told him nicely to please stop asking! Arghh!!
Twinkle, I often feel that 'unexplained' isn't really a diagnosis, womens bodies are so complex that I suppose they just won't test for every possible carry on persisting too after all its our bodies so sometimes we know more than the experts xx

Twinkle2012 Thu 15-Nov-12 18:06:32

Lookbehindyou - you didnt sound at all smug so dont worry at all smile And anyway, I am expecting to be v v smug when / if I get pregnant - you have every right to be smug after what you have been through (smug in a nice way of course) smile

You are right about the wait being worse than actually knowing it has failed - it doesnt get any worse than the wait...

Did you "know" you are pregnant when you were? I always feel that I "know" I am not but I wonder if that is because I never have been and you can't really imagine what you've never had...

Abersud123 Sun 01-Feb-15 21:14:12

Just had my FET test results and it is a negative. I feel so sad. I had two fresh cycles in 2013, both failed. Decided to use the frozen embryos from the second cycle, I had five all were grade 1 top quality but upon thawing only three partially survived and all were transferred.
Not sure what to think or feel, feeling numb and very tired.
This will be my last cycle, do not think I can bear this pressure or the 2ww again.
I am 46 years old.
Any advice?

purplemeggie Mon 02-Feb-15 18:16:30

flowers Abersud - it's so tough. We did 2 x fresh and 1 FET last year and all were negative.

Might you consider DE IVF? x

Steph19830 Sat 27-Jun-15 06:28:41

Hi, I have had two rounds of IVF, first i had 6 eggs collected but none fertilised overnight as apparently werent mature enough. Just had another round yesterday, 12 were collected 6 put through for icsi and 6 ivf but still not mature enough. Has anyone experienced the same problems??

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