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I cannot cope with this uncertainty

(12 Posts)
Goodbyetonsils Mon 08-Oct-12 21:14:30

DP and I are 23, we are not planning on having a baby for a few years yet. If we were a "normal" fertile couple, we would have been thinking about trying at 27/28. However we are not... DP has a sperm count of zero.

Now my problem is, I cannot cope with knowing this far in advance. I know the benefits of it, in terms of IVF/forward planning etc. But there is so much uncertainty and so many more tests to be done/procedures to see if he's producing sperm and can they extract it etc. But for now everything is at a stand still.

It's hanging over me like a black fucking cloud. Had we discovered DP's "problem" when we were trying for a baby, we would be dealing with it all immediately. But now it's a case of trying to enjoy life but not knowing wtf is going to happen.

I have a ds from a previous relationship, so we will not be eligible for funding for IVF. Every time I see a baby/pregnant woman etc I feel so sad and scared- will I ever have that again? Every time my ds reaches a new milestone- most recently starting school, I ask, is the the first and last time I will experience my child doing this?

I don't know what to do or how to cope. DP feels guilty, so I don't discuss these concerns in much detail with him. Also seems odd because we aren't ready for a baby yet.

We found out a year ago and ever since then it's like this horrible nightmare. Sorry this is so long, I feel so lonely because we aren't actually going through the infertility thing yet but it's looming over us sad

lljkk Tue 09-Oct-12 05:37:04

I also think you have to accept that there's so much you can't change in life, what if he gets run over by a bus, that wouldn't be his fault, either. What if he gets better but YOU turn infertile? One day at a time, methinks.

highlove Tue 09-Oct-12 21:27:17

Tonsils...that is really tough. I'm not sure I have many words of wisdom for you but wanted to respond. When will he have more tests etc - sounds like you really need to know what you are dealing with. Until you know whether he's actually producing sperm you don't know what the situation is...it may not be as bad as you fear.

You might want to think about some counselling, perhaps together? If nothing else it might help keep open the lines of communication if you're not really talking about it at the moment. You do need to keep talking.

Also - and I know you are a way off this yet - but try and take some comfort that this doesn't have to mean you will have no more children. As I'm sure you know, amazing things can be achieved and though this is shit, you really do have time on your side. IVF/ICSI may not be as much as you think - we are mid-way through ICSI at an excellent clinic with great results and it's 4k all in. And at your age and with a little one already, you'd be a prime candidate to egg share which is basicially IVF for almost nothing. Donor sperm may also be an option if your dp isn't producing any - though of course you'd both have to be ok with it. Yes IVF is tough and a shitty thing to go through but it does give you a chance.

Finally, I'd just say you need to be kind to yourself - it's really a shit thing to deal with. I found out before we started trying (not as far ahead as you though) and I have to say it took me 18 months or so to accept that I might still have children. It's really tough so don't feel bad for bring angry/sad/depressed/whatever.

Lljkk - sorry because I'm sure that was meant to be helpful but it's pretty insensitive. I don't know your situation but infertility is a really thoroughly horrendous thing to go through that I don't think you can understand if you've not been there. Having your concerns dismissed really isn't helpful. And for the record, people don't turn infertile.

Kewcumber Tue 09-Oct-12 21:38:04

the nhs will fund plenty of things before IVF and you may find that they can extract sperm and do IUI which doesn't require IVF. You may find they can't extract sperm in which case you're looking at sperm donation or adoption or not having more children.

I understand your anger and shock but apart from working through that slowly as you get used to the idea (yes it can take more than a year) you need to focus on the more practical... talk to the fertility consultant about what the NHS will fund, talk to your DH about what you both feel about DI and talk to someone at the donor conception network, think through adoption whether that might be an option for you both. Can you start saving up for possible IVF now - the NHS in some regions with fund the drugs which saves quite a lot and NHS clinics will often do IVF at much reduced rates than private clinics.

And however angry/upset you feel just remember that your DH has never had a child whereas you have so be gentle with him.

Don't avoid discussing it because he feels guilty - thats mad! This is a medical (and social) problem for both of you and needs discussing - and discussing it both with each other and other people who have been through it will help you work your way through it.

we aren't actually going through the infertility thing yet confused - yes you are, not actively TC'ing and having infertility issues are perfectly compatible. I knew when I was in my mid-20's that I had a major fertility problem and it helped that I knew because I was able to plan in such a way that I (eventually) became a mother at 40 - others in my position left it much later, weren't able to plan the way I did and either missed the boat completely or ended up adopting in their very late 40's and wishing they'd done it earlier.

Kewcumber Tue 09-Oct-12 21:38:28

Ooh sorry thats a bit of an essay! blush

Goodbyetonsils Tue 09-Oct-12 22:52:24

Thank you so much for your replies. Kew- what you said about my DP not having his own child is the saddest part- He is the most fantastic step father to my ds. I cannot emphasise enough how amazing he is with him- known him since he was 4 months old and doted on him from day 1- long before we knew about his fertility issues.

Regarding the donor egg option, I couldn't do it sad I WISH I could and feel stupid when it could save us so much money. But there's so much to it- like if a couple using my egg became pregnant and I didn't.

It's so strange I have come from such an opposite end of the spectrum, I was pregnant at 18 and heavily considered an abortion. I had a nightmare pregnancy, filled with panic attacks after the father left me. That made me crave a happy family and future pregnancies even more.

I'm not sure how we can access counselling, I would certainly like to try that. Will discuss with DP. Also everything on NHS is taking so long. So far, we found everything out privately- DP was on his father's health insurance so it was all paid for through them. However they won't pay for more now so we are going back to NHS, not sure how that works in terms of where we are up to.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Tue 09-Oct-12 22:56:10

I have been there but the problem was me... IVF on NHS not an option. I saved like a crazy person for three rounds of private IVF. That is a lot but it took ten years... Find out now how much ICSI costs and what the NHS provides in your circumstances. Then decide if you can save and how long for.

I think being practical would be good in terms of the uncertainty.

Goodbyetonsils Tue 09-Oct-12 23:00:40

How do I find out what the NHS would fund?

Kewcumber Tue 09-Oct-12 23:37:34

get GP to refer you to an NHS fertility clinic they do treat infertility on the NHS and there are lots of stages before IVF.

Don't start grieving for what your DH has lost when you don't know that he's lost it! Lots of things need to be thought through and discussed - if you are both not in any hurry then now is the perfect time to be discussing how you both feel about donor sperm, saving for IVF, adoption etc.

(and AFAIK you wouldn;t be told about the outcome of any egg donation but its equally fine for you not to want to do it)

freelancescientist Wed 10-Oct-12 20:04:42

Where do you live? In the northwest of England PCTs fund IVF as long as you don't have a baby TOGETHER so it is worth enquiring. Google may be a help - it should help you find your PCT (it is where your GPs address is, not yours and this could make a difference) and then visit the PCT website. You may have to call/email them and ask.

Goodbyetonsils Wed 10-Oct-12 20:27:44

I live in North West... Chester. What's a PCT? Not very clued up at all!

Goodbyetonsils Wed 10-Oct-12 20:38:12

http://www.wcheshirepct.nhs.uk/ I found this, but cannot find any information on IVF funding :S

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