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Help me stop feeling sorry for myself

(11 Posts)
lemonsherbet Wed 03-Oct-12 12:50:16

I really just need a bit of support at the moment. I have had 3 miscarriages 1 at 8 weeks, one at 20 weeks and one at 6 week and one chemical pregnancy that ended at 5 weeks. I feel that most people who have been on my recurrent thread get pregnant and I am just sat there. The last time I saw the private consultant he actual told me it was up to me what I wanted to try. Feel he has also given up on me. My sister in law has just had a baby and my other sister in law has just told me she is 13 weeks pregnant. I am an only child so my parent can not seem to cope that they may not have grandchildren. I have looked into adoption but my husband just feels we should keep trying and may be our "miracle" will happen. I am just having a couple of months of feeling sorry for myself and need someone to tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself. If anyone has any tips on how to cope with this then that would be great to.

Thanks for reading

Maryz Wed 03-Oct-12 13:10:29

I can't give you any good advice, but I can sympathise - it's horrible. And it's no consolation being told to give it time, or relax and it will happen or anything like that. It's shit, and there is no getting away from it.

The only thing I can do is tell you to be nice to yourself. You are grieving for your babies - give yourself time and space to grieve.

How old are you? Because if you are (relatively) young, doctors always just say "give it time", which is the last thing you will want to hear. If you are a bit older, then maybe looking into alternatives is worthwhile.

On the positive side, you are getting pregnant (though you must be so scared every time) so by the law of probabilities you have been unlucky three times so next time should, hopefully, be fine. But just picking yourself up and trying again is so difficult.

Could you take some time off, just to let yourself have time to grieve? And stay away from your sil's - give yourself some space, don't make yourself plaster on a smile and pretend you are ok. It's ok to not be ok.

Have a few ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) and be nice to yourself smile

summerintherosegarden Wed 03-Oct-12 13:15:11

Oh lemon, you poor thing. Nobody should tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself; it is quite natural that's how you're feeling.

However, I think you need a plan, just to give you some hope and something to work towards.

Were all the MCs naturally conceived pregnancies, or did you have fertility drugs? Has the consultant found anything 'wrong' with you? What options has he given you for the next stage?

I think you need to figure out what you could try next in terms of fertility treatment and perhaps explain to your DH that if nothing has worked in x months/years time, you really, really want to adopt and if you also have your 'miracle' then that's amazing but you aren't prepared to just hang around waiting for it.

Besides TTC things, have you got anything else going on in your life that you can look forward to? Maybe a big holiday, or something new at work, or a new hobby? Since starting TTC, I've moved house, started a distance learning degree and am planning a new career - I didn't expect any of these things, I expected a baby, but I'm really glad that I can look back on the past year and feel as though I've achieved something...could you do/think about something similar?

Also, look after yourself. A MC is a huge, terrible loss, especially having one at 20 weeks when I presume you thought everything was fine - so you should be grieving and giving yourself the time and space to do that. Big hugs to you.

summerintherosegarden Wed 03-Oct-12 13:15:52

Cross post with Maryz - but if we both came out with the same advice it must be good smile

lemonsherbet Wed 03-Oct-12 19:20:52

I am 36 soon to be 37. They were all natural pregnancies. My GP will not refer me on the NHS because she says that having a late miscarriage means that I do not fit the referral criteria of recurrent miscarriages. So I went to see a consultant privately. He said I had MTHFR which said would not cause a problems in future pregnancies-just take high dose folic acid. He also said that I had high NK cells. He started me on pred but I did not seem to get pregnant on his treatment so I stopped it that is when I got pregnant but had the chemical pregnancy.

Last time I saw him he said my NK cells had gone despite treatment. he seemed to think my AMH were in the low fertility range but said they were normal for my age and that he was not worried, they were exactly where they should be at 36. He then said when I next become preg I should take a higher dose of pred. The problem being when I take the steroids I seem unable to become pregnant but dismisses this has being the problem. He then said it was up to me to decide if I want to take super ovulation treatment or not-IVF drugs to try and get pregnant. Basically I have been with him for 1 year most other people on the thread I have been on have become pregnant and left and I am just sitting there. The one time I stopped his treatment I had a chemical pregnancy. My previous 3 miscarriages were over a year ago. But in that 18 months I was pregnant 3 times. If I am honest I just don't know what to do anymore.

mrsconfuseddotcom Wed 03-Oct-12 19:55:39

It's fine to feel sorry for yourself, you've been through a lot.

We've been ttc for three years and haven't even had a whiff of a BFP. I'm 41 and have pretty much given up hope now.

We are all different but I think the thing that helps me is to just count my blessings. I have a truly wonderful DH, a supportive family, friends, a lovely house, car and job I love. Overall, I've pretty much got it made.

Focus on what you have rather than what you don't have.

Best of luck for the future. You still have time!

summerintherosegarden Wed 03-Oct-12 20:44:36

So do you think super ovulation treatment is worth a shot? Or are you (very understandably) nervous of trying something and it failing again?

I guess the other thing is that if you are seeing this consultant privately and you are not happy with the way your treatment is going, could you try somebody new? If you don't mind posting your area on the board, you might be able to get recommendations from other women..

Pocket1 Wed 03-Oct-12 21:31:38

Lemon i'm so sorry to hear about your mc - just heartbreaking. i've only had one and i know just how awful that was. big hug to you for being brave.

have you thought about immunes testing. i'm no expert but i can be a reason for recurrent mc... check out this ff thread

www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=242395.0

perhaps ask your consultant for advice on immunes. or find a new consultant. there are so many clinics out there (the one i'm with is lovely so pm me if you want any info) so i'm sure you can find someone to help you.

and you're young enough to keep trying. Best of luck to you x smile

lemonsherbet Wed 03-Oct-12 21:57:09

I am in the Cambridgeshire area. The NK cells is the immune testing. Am feeling slightly better now. Will go and see my GP and try again to get referral on NHS.

In terms of the superovulation it is more how it was done. My last appointment was like he was fed up seeing me and he didn't even talk it through. I felt I am spending a lot of money to see you and you are basically not even going through the pros and cons, just telling me to decide by myself what to do.

Want to thank you ladies for listening to me. Will try and count my blessings.

summerintherosegarden Thu 04-Oct-12 12:29:44

Good idea going for the NHS referral. Though if you've got the time and money, you're not too far away from all the big shots in London which might be worth a thought - perhaps even just for the initital consultation.

I'm glad you're feeling a little more positive and wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do next.

lemonsherbet Sat 06-Oct-12 19:09:04

Just in case anyone is interested after being told previously that we did not qualify for NHS referral since one of my miscarriages was late. I saw a male GP at the end of last week who referred us no problem

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