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How do you keep going month after month?

(28 Posts)
howdoikeeponsmiling Wed 28-Mar-12 09:56:07

So my husband and I have been TTC for almost a year now without success. Whilst I know this is not as long as many others, I do not hold out much hope of us being able to conceive naturally. My DH has a 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship who was conceived via IVF, I have PCOS and he has a low sperm count at a level that the fertility consultant said was unlikely to result in us conceiving (this was based however on one test, my DH has done another since the results of which we will get at my next appointment in June).
In the last three weeks alone one friend has had a baby and three other friends / work colleagues have announced they are expecting. I want to feel happy and pleased for them but to be honest I feel sad and hurt that it is not me. My DH is of the what will be will be and we shouldn't worry about anyone else camp. He thinks I am beating myself up over it and should just relax and be positive. I can't do this, everywhere I turn I am confronted by everyone elses ability to fall pregnant at the drop of a knicker whilst we carry on month by month getting nowhere in the knowledge that we have pretty much nothing in our favour.
I suppose this is a question with no real answer, but I would be interested to hear how you cope with this without falling apart.

worldgonecrazy Wed 28-Mar-12 10:00:52

I don't know? You just keep going, hoping that one day it will be your turn for a miracle. I do remember breaking down several times whilst out shopping, places like Toys'R'Us or the bab aisle in Sainsbury's.

I hope you get your miracle. I also have PCOS and used Metformin to increase the chance of pregnancy and reduce the risk of miscarriage once I was pregnant. If you do go for IVF, pay extra for ICSI if you can afford it.

CareBear1 Wed 28-Mar-12 18:55:03

Try meditation CD's. Honestly i didn't think they were for me either, but i used to be exactly the same (have been ttc 4.5 yrears) - for the last 6 months i've regularly done a range of different meditation CD's and they'd made a drastic difference for me - yes i still feel those feelings but its much more in perspective and doesn't overtake the other natural feelings in those situations which is joy for other people.

Try this free link

Zita West does a good simple one.

good luck. x

twolittlemonkeys Wed 28-Mar-12 19:12:58

I've been where you are now. TBH it is difficult. I too have PCOS and DH's swimmers are borderline. I had Clomid to make me ovulate although due to DH's sperm (high levels of abnormal ones IIRC) we almost bypassed that entirely to go straight for ICSI. However, Clomid did work and we had DS1, then conceived DS2 naturally. Currently trying for #3 with the help of Clomid, though have had 2 MCs over the past 2 years that we've been ttc. There are supplements which can improve sperm count/quality too

I know this is a lot easier said than done, but try to focus on the positives of your current situation - think of all the things you can do that you wouldn't be able to do with a baby. This did help me (we booked the holiday of a lifetime to Malaysia and Hong Kong when I was getting really fed up with it all, and... you guessed it, conceived so I was heavily pregnant when we went!) It is tough, but having struggled for years with my fertility, I now envy people who don't have kids yet, and wish I'd enjoyed that time more, instead of spending so much time dwelling on the fact that I wasn't pregnant.

basejump Tue 10-Apr-12 16:31:30

I think you just have to try and accept that it is very unfair and happening to you for no particular reason. Surrender to it and let yourself feel all the shitty feelings that go with it. From time to time it does lift without much effort on your part. I hope that makes sense.

We have been ttc for around 20 months now and about to start ivf. the first year was the hardest. After that I didn't really expect to conceive so it didn't hit me so hard every month.

Unlike twolittlemonkeys I don't find it helpful to focus on the positives (relative freedom) because being childless is entirely negative unless you want to be. I suspect that is something easier to feel in retrospect once you have kids.

My suggestions are : do exercise if you can, but not too hard. It's a natural anti-depressant. Try to eat properly. Go to the movies a lot. Read escapist books. And the old chestnut, remember the billions of people on the planet who are having a much more painful time than you.

re other people's good luck : don't be too hard on yourself. It's natural to feel sad and let down, don't try and force yourself to be happy if you don't genuinely feel it.

best of luck and just keep going !!

smileychicken Mon 07-May-12 21:00:40

I have no idea how I got from month to month. I could think of nothing else and always knew exactly what day of my cycle I was on and saw pregnant women all around me.

I ended up having acupuncture and it really calmed me down. I still felt sad but no longer cried walking past the baby aisle in Tesco! I even started to think that maybe one day it would happen for us. I also started to tell people the truth when they asked when we were goin to get pregnant. I chose a couple of close friends to really confide it and tried not to mention it too much to others.

Three years down the line and ICSI did work and once it does somehow those years of trying don't matter any more.

Good luck, stay strong and don't be too hard on yourself. It is a horrible position to be in.

MiniH Fri 18-May-12 18:20:39

I agree that the first year is the hardest as once I got past that I stopped expecting it to happen which somehow makes it easier. For me the answer lies in not seeing having a child as the answer to everything (and therefore the failure to have one as the loss of everything). That may sound trite, but I have a lot of wonderful things in my life that yes, will be enriched by having a child but I was also very happy with life before we started TTC and I don't want to loose that just because we can't conceive. That's not to say I don't have bad days/weeks but on the whole that does help. It can be a long road- find what works for you and hold on to it as it is tiring and tough.

Montypig Mon 21-May-12 17:24:48

My DH and I had 8 years of TTC - things that helped us :

- research - I did masses ( too much ?) research into what might and might not work - made me feel somewhat in control ( where as in reality I wasn't at all
- telling people - it worked for us and avoided the "oh haven't got round to it yet ?" questions - it was actually quite fun telling nosy bggrs about multiple m/c in the end and watching their faces
- for me, web sites like this, and fertility friends
- don't put anything off in the hope of being pg - it just makes it worse - resign, travel, buy the wafty inappropriate dress - whatever you need to do now
- try and remember that other people getting pg have not got "your" baby - I know thats how I felt for a while, and it helped to try not to feel like that
- red wine and lots of it

Good luck, it can be a long journey - but it can work !

Lollly Tue 12-Jun-12 16:28:29

hi im totally new to this website but felt i should join as it might help knowing im in the same boat as many others. my boyfriend and i have been trying for a year and a half, since i found out i had pcos. feels like the longest journey of my life and like many others feel like announcements of pregnancy are all around me, i come from a big family and most of my brothers and sisters are pregnant or parents. really hard to deal with this but guess you have to try and be happy for them as much as possible. im on my 3rd course of clomid now, i ovulated last month and had a period, was happy to know its working but now more waiting !! Hope to all xx lolly xx

Mummycox Thu 14-Jun-12 20:45:07

My DH and I were ttc for four years before ICSI worked on the second attempt, we are 15 weeks pregnant and I thank my stars every day. I have stage 4 endo and 95% fewer eggs than the average infertile lady. We stood very little chance. All I can say is be happy for others when they are fortunate and keep believing and hoping that one day it can be you. There are some shockers of days and weeks and then there are others that are good. I had acupuncture for a year and really analysed what we ate too. I was pretty healthy when the treatment started. Wishing you all health and happiness X

slothprincess Tue 17-Jul-12 15:31:47

I have PCOS and my clomid miracle is 7 months old now. We were trying for 2 1/2 years before conceiving and you're right, keeping going each month is very very hard.

Like some of the others, I did a lot of research as for me, knowledge was power. The more I knew, the more in control I felt. I would also echo what other posters have said about not putting your life on hold. Take up opportunities, enjoy yourself, go on nice holidays. Make sure you have something nice booked in the diary to look forward to, even if it's just lunch with a friend.

In the end, I sort of gave up hope that it would happen for us. But it did and we gave our daughter the middle name Hope.

iloveberries Wed 18-Jul-12 15:48:25

Thanks for starting this thread op. We've been ttc baby #2 for a yr with no successful pregnancy and I am a tube down following an ectopic in march. AF arrived again today. I am finding it so hard to deal with others' pregnancies but the advice here is great.

I guess we just have to believe it will happen.

soontobeburns Thu 09-Aug-12 00:40:10

Hi all Im new :-)

Have to say I really agree with miniH. I have been TTC for 28 months now!! And the first year was the hardest.

Tbh its got to the point where we have stopped actively trying. I still know my cycle etc but we have sex nearly every day anyway and have a 28 day cycle so dont need to calculate really.

Tbh I expect my period now and just try to think of postives in the situation eg money space time lol of course it gets to me but now i have stopped trying to think of it.....except i need bloods and hsg done this month and im so scared. Im only 22 btw xx gl all xx

howdoikeeponsmiling Tue 14-Aug-12 20:38:43

Thank you to all who replied and shared their experiences. I know it doesn't make it any better but it is consoling to learn that I am not the only one going through this anguish. I find this is such a lonely experience, I don't really have any close friends and so the only person I can talk to about this is my DH.

I feel like we have the same circular conversations every month which never progress anywhere as it is not like you can 'learn' from the failure of one month and make the next month better and thus conceive. We have now been told that due to my DH's sperm count we are unlikley to ever conceive naturally so are working out where to go for IVF. We have to pay for this privately due to my DH already having a child and so not only is there now the whole emotional angst but also the financial cost to consider.

I still try to believe it will happen but I suppose if I'm honest I've lost most of the faith that it will.

Gettingolder Wed 15-Aug-12 15:06:37

Just read this thread thru a few tears. Completely new to this site and at home recovering from a laparoscopy which showed two blocked tubes, so ivf is our next route. At the moment I'm still pleased for friends who announce their pregnancy and even went to see one and her little one as I felt I needed to, but I am noticing more announcements now!
TTC for 2 years and at 38 I'm very aware that I am running out of time age wise. Everything else is fine apart from my tubes. I am also losing weight having got my BMI down from 42 last year to 31 and once I hit 30 I can go on the ivf W/L.
Looking forward to our first proper holiday to Venice next month and kind of hoping it's our last holiday abroad for a while. Emotions are all over the place and I range from excited as to what is to come, to scared in case it doesn't work. Negative thoughts aren't really gonna help are they!!!

DiffedAgainDachs Thu 16-Aug-12 10:22:02

We were TTC for eight years before I got pg naturally. Lost that one at eight weeks and then had IUI which didn't work, a cycle of IVF that didn't work and then a cycle of IVF where I got pg with twins. We lost the twins at 20 weeks, the worst day of my life. I was determined not to go through that again so decided we would need to accept that we would never have a baby. We went to Venice to get over the twins and while there I decided that I did have the strength to try again. We tried another cycle of IVF, I responded poorly and was devastated when they only got 3 mature eggs as previously I'd had >10 each time. But my little miracle from those 3 eggs is now 17 weeks old and snoring in front of me. It was MN that gave me the support I needed to get through it all. Good luck to all of you - and Gettingolder I hope Venice works for you in the same way it worked for me! smile xxx

Gettingolder Fri 17-Aug-12 07:25:06

Wow, so do I! Come on Venice work your charm!!! (sorry for my ignorance what does MN mean)

DoodleAlley Fri 17-Aug-12 07:53:32

Look to the future and try to dream dreams that involve your family as they are.

Oh that and give pre-seed a go. It's a sperm friendly lubricant recommended to us and we used it last month after nearly a year of trying and I am a tentative five weeks pg. (very nervous about losing it though).

But it is hard and you're not alone. I felt like each month someone took my fragile dream and stomped on it in size eleven wellies.

I found making alternative dreams really helpful but that's just the way I'm wired up.

DiffedAgainDachs Sun 19-Aug-12 15:48:17

Gettingolder MN = mumsnet... smile

Gettingolder Sun 19-Aug-12 16:24:12

Oh my god, so obvious!! rolles eyes thank you smile

MuddyWellyNelly Sun 19-Aug-12 18:17:10

I just wanted to pop onto this thread to say thanks for some of the advice, as well as much needed success stories. I've just been diagnosed with low AMH so am currently wallowing in a pit of despair. I know I'll keep trying and trying, and we're going for IVF soon (with low expectations set by consultant). It's good to read that others cope; and that even sometimes you can get pregnant despite the odds. smile

wildpoppy Mon 27-Aug-12 07:02:38

Took us two and a half years for dd and now pg with number 2 after one month trying (v shocked). I coped for dd by giving time limits. Eg in 6 months I will go to an adoption open evening. By age 33 we will start the process. Etc. So there was always a future point where we could move on to the next stage never just a bleak future of utter despair.

Picklestar Tue 28-Aug-12 23:15:07

Thanx for this message board. We've been ttc for 9 months I've got pcos & we've just started our journey with the gynae. I've been struggling recently as everyone on Facebook is announcing their pregnant & when shopping there seems to be pregnant women everywhere & I am happy for them but slightly jealous too. It didn't help when my doctor said it must be hard for me as I'm young (25) & all my friends will be falling pregnant quickly- never really thought about it that way until then! It does scare me that we're gona struggle but I try & stay possitive & plan nice things!

summerintherosegarden Wed 29-Aug-12 14:27:53

Pickle I just replied to your other thread but that's funny, I'm young too (26) and actually for me it's been a major positive, because barely any of my friends are married let alone thinking about kids. It does make it a lot easier not having to cope with a constant outpouring of pregnancy announcements.

For me this first year has been relatively easy because I don't have cycles at all so there's never that 2ww and then let down of period arriving. I think once we actually start treatment it's going to be a lot more difficult.

That said I have been through some very low moments and I second what others say about letting yourself be unhappy for however long you need and then getting back up and going out there and enjoying your childless life.

Also couldn't agree more with everything Montypig said - especially, where you feel that you can, telling people. At the beginning I felt really ashamed that my body wasn't working the way it's supposed to, but the more people I've told, the less stressed out I've felt, and I've heard from many others who had trouble conceiving that I had no idea about. That too gives me hope.

Picklestar Wed 29-Aug-12 22:18:07

Hi Summer (again smile)

I know what you mean about being ashamed that you body doesnt seem to be doing what it should especially because we're young, I remember excitedly thinking to myself in the 1st month that I was probably pregnant, I blame school for teaching us that as soon as you have sex unprotected youll fall pregnant! I do feel gutted that its not as easy as I assumed but perhaps this is just a journey I need to go on & experience & learn from, however hard it may be! xx

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