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'I gave back my adopted baby'

(330 Posts)
LetThereBeRock Mon 23-Nov-09 14:16:25

I've just read this article from the Guardian about a mother who gave back her adopted son because she didn't/couldn't bond with him.

I'm planning on adopting in the near future and I'm curious to know what others think of her story.

Apologies if this has been discussed already.

DanDruff Mon 23-Nov-09 14:18:34

Its very common that adoptions fail from what i hear and its very unreported.
We had one locally where the older child couldnt make it work

StealthPolarBear Mon 23-Nov-09 14:22:07

that's heartbreaking
surely it didn't need to happen

MaggieBelle Mon 23-Nov-09 14:23:08

I only read a bit of that, but first of all she had five (or four?) children already, so she wasn't longing for a child, or even another child, she was on auto-pilot fulfilling some promise she'd made to herself years ago

"I always said I wanted to adopt, even before I met my husband".

It sounds to me like she just liked the idea of adopting.

fishie Mon 23-Nov-09 14:23:20

oof that is a very sad tale. what sort of hole was she hoping to fill?

FabHasHadHerSurprise Mon 23-Nov-09 14:23:37

I think people can expect too much. A mother who adopted a child was almost complaining that the child wouldn't hug her or really allow her to hug him. FGS he had only been there less than 2 months.

MayorNaze Mon 23-Nov-09 14:23:52

we had one locally where the husband apparently told the wife either the kid had to go or he would

the kid went

DanDruff Mon 23-Nov-09 14:24:43

dotn say that so readily.
I knwo that often it strains the marriage to breaking point and is not a deiciosn taken lightly.
Ecpecially older kids can be VERY ( undertsndably) hard work and soemtiems its to much

dont think we can judge

Lulumama Mon 23-Nov-09 14:24:45

i think it is very sad for all concerned

i think that a proportion of parents, whether birth parents or adoptive/foster parents don't or can't bond or find it too difficult

when you are the birth parent, you don't have the 'give the baby back' opportunity, but i wonder what percentage of children are essentially 'adopted' or brought up by grandparents or sisters/brothers?

i think the immense pressure to make it work when you adopt cna also make things implode

very brave to write about it, hope the little boy is happy and settled with his family now

MayorNaze Mon 23-Nov-09 14:27:08

was for everybody, not just the kid. any situation like that is deeply upsetting for all involved.

DanDruff Mon 23-Nov-09 14:28:00

oh yes we found it terrible and i didnt even knwo them, but hey ho- hte kid was unhappy

Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake Mon 23-Nov-09 14:28:56

I think she was not prepared properly by the US equivalent of social services - she also had very little practical support with 5 children and a husband working away.

I know that adoption breakdown is about 1 in 6 in this country (a lot due to attachment issues).

I can see why she came in for a lot of flack - she comes across like a complete perfectionist, she expected to feel the same, strong bond with her adoptive child as with her biological children. I think that is much more rare than discussed.

What people who are successful at adoption and fostering do is act in a much more adult way - they accept they don't feel the same and they try to treat them the same so that the adoptive or fostered child does not know. It's what 'good enough' parents do.

I think people who genuinely feel the same aboout their biological and adoptive are very lucky.

I have no experience of biological children but I know that I love my foster daughter but I would still put her needs above all of my emotions were she to be returned to her mother.

I would move heaven and earth to make that transition easy for her becuase I am the adult here.

I really hope that little boy in the article can come to terms with what she did as I imagine the rejection (twice, from birth family first) will be huge.

I would be very unlikely to do what she's done as I would put the needs of the child first.

TheCrackFox Mon 23-Nov-09 14:31:18

"I had never once considered the possibility that I'd view an adopted child any differently than my biological children."

I think whatever agency approved her for adoption really needs to review its procedures. I would have thought that this is a reasonable question to ask someone who already has 5 biological DDs.

Very sad for the little boy.

MaggieBelle Mon 23-Nov-09 14:34:50

It's very sad, that little boy no matter how lovely his new mummy is, he'll never be able to enjoy the security the new family are giving him.. I hope he is young enough to totally forget her.

Can't believe that the other children hardly lookied up from tv as their little bro was taken away for ever. How bizarre!

StealthPolarBear Mon 23-Nov-09 14:39:24

Sorry if this is harsh but how can she refer to him as her son?

DollyPS Mon 23-Nov-09 15:12:15

I have step children here in the mix and I dont feel the same way about them as I do my bio kids. Sorry if that comes across as harsh as they do live with us and have done for years but I do love them but not on the same level as my own.

If I went into adoption I think it would be the same really. It would be a different kind of love for them.

Any issues over bonding would have to be dealt with and if it came to it I would also hand the child back as that isnt fair is it.

MaggieBelle Mon 23-Nov-09 15:54:27

I think it's the 'earliness' of how soon you get your adoptive child.. I could be wrong, and I've no personal experience, but the younger the adoptive child is when you become their parent, the btter for bonding, I would imagine.

dittany Mon 23-Nov-09 15:58:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaggieBelle Mon 23-Nov-09 16:00:19

Yes.. I may be shot down for saying this, but when you already have five children already,it seems a little indulgent and unnecessary. JMVHO. I know it can work in other families, but she did this becuase it was what she HAD wanted, not because it was what she still wanted.

TotalChaos Mon 23-Nov-09 16:02:43

yes, that struck me too Dittany, very similar, even down to the idea of handing the child over to a "better" parent. Very unfortunate for this poor kid, as spending two years then being handed over to another couple isn't going to do his attachment difficulties any good I wouldn't have thought.

FabHasHadHerSurprise Mon 23-Nov-09 16:03:07

Just what I thought, SPB.

The kids not looking up is sad.

StealthPolarBear Mon 23-Nov-09 16:05:36

what was your surprise fab??
poor little boy will be very confused & abandoned

johnhemming Mon 23-Nov-09 16:12:20

The government are refusing to do proper research as to what proportion of forced adoptions fail.

There is a forum where adoptive families discuss their experiences here

Estimates of between 25% and 50% of forced adoptions fail. I think the figure of 50% is too high, but there are many problems.

StealthPolarBear Mon 23-Nov-09 16:13:43

whats a forced adoption?

rasputin Mon 23-Nov-09 16:19:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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