Mothers in arms
Every day thousands of women log on to Mumsnet, one hand cradling a baby, the other clicking away at their mouse. But how did this not-so-innocent little website become such a phenomenon ? and the scourge of the childcare guru Gina Ford? Julia Llewellyn S
Illustration by Jim Stoten
Yummy mummy. what do you need to be one? one thread begins. Within 24 hours, it has attracted 57 replies offering suggestions, ranging from anorexia, breast implants and a vehicle with a ladder attachment to manicured nails, fake tan, Boden/Jigsaw/Toast clothes, a baby in Petit Bateau outfits, a Bugaboo and a 4 x 4. On another page, a thread starts: finally seen the light and getting divorced. any tips anyone? By the end of the day 17 people have offered advice and support.
Once upon a time, becoming a mother was something you did alone, in your home, with your baby. Your sources of expertise were your mother, your neighbours, your doctor and your health visitor. But then came the internet. And then came Mumsnet, the online forum where you can swap tips on everything from tried-and-tested recipes for chocolate cheesecakes to what to do when your brother is diagnosed with anorexia, and how to react when your husband makes ?pirate noises? during sex. All this before even touching on the challenges that motherhood presents.
For many, Mumsnet is more than an advice forum. Thanks to a policy of anonymity (members adopt pseudonymns such as prufrock and frannyandzooey, which speak volumes about their educational backgrounds), the site is a dumping ground for many mothers? darkest, most toxic feelings, a place where women feel they can reclaim their ?old selves? subsumed by school runs and babywipes. Mumsnet is visited by about 250,000 women per month, and what it reveals ? depending upon which thread, or discussion, you pursue ? is by turns hilarious, thought-provoking, banal or heartbreaking.
As I write, some of the ?live threads?, which use baffling abbreviations such as DH (dear husband), MIL (mother-in-law) and WTF (what the f?), include: israel? when will the west do something?; no sex and confused; i am sooooo excited ? have to tell you about this fake tan i have tried; my husband is a bully; if you?re jewish or muslim in the arctic circle, how do you keep ramadan or the sabbath, particularly at the tricky ends of the year?; did anybody watch monday?s ?silent witness? ? can you tell me what happened?
Although baby websites abound like headlice in a playground, most are worthy affairs in which mothers exchange weaning tips and post cutesy pictures of their infants. Mumsnet, on the other hand, occupies an altogether darker corner of the internet. ?Two things distinguish us from other parenting sites,? suggests Justine Roberts, one of the site?s co-founders. ?First, as our name suggests, we are not so much about children, as about the mums themselves. The second is our savage sense of humour.?
Nothing illustrates this better than the site?s recent showdown with the parenting expert Gina Ford. Although every baby site debates Ford?s controversial methods, Mumsnet?s uniquely raucous tone seems to have touched a particular nerve. After the posting ford straps babies to rockets and fires them into southern lebanon, her lawyers threatened to close the site permanently. It was subsequently agreed to ban all mentions of Ford. Within minutes of the veto being announced, a thread started entitled a thread with no title about nobody and nothing by no one. ?Well, all I can say is that I have nothing to say on this subject,? declared its author. ?Nada,? offered another. ?Niente,? a third.
Ruth March from north London, who has a son of 16 months and a second child on the way, is a typical Mumsnetter. ?In the early days of my son?s life I was really floundering and I didn?t know where to turn. The baby books all made me feel hopelessly inadequate, the other women in my antenatal group were so competitive they made me feel even worse, and my mum was hundreds of miles away ? and couldn?t remember anything about having babies anyway.? Desperately surfing for advice on colic, she stumbled across Mumsnet. ?It was a lifeline, full of other women who were having just as bad a time,? says March, who is 40. ?They didn?t have that much concrete advice, but knowing I was not alone immediately made it so much easier.?
From then on, March was hooked. ?I would sit holding my son to the breast with one hand, while the other was using the mouse to click on various threads. Mumsnetters were so smart and witty. It sounds corny but it made me really proud to be a mother. I thought, ?I may have lost my old life but if I can be part of this gang, then it?s worth it.?? As March regained her interest in the outer world, she continued to stick with Mumsnet. ?I virtually never use it for parenting advice now, though. I prefer to check out the ?Telly Addicts? or ?Environment? section, to see if any other mothers are watching How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? and to discover I?m not the only mother outraged by the way supermarkets dole out plastic bags.?
Roberts, 38, set up Mumsnet in 2000 with two members of her antenatal class: Carrie Longton, 38, a television producer; and Rachel Foster, 37, a radio producer. ?The idea was for it to be like a Which? for mums, compiling our members? opinions on a list of baby products into a definitive review. The forum bit just happened to be attached,? Roberts recalls. But rapidly the chat element all but took over. Today it accounts for 80 per cent of the site?s traffic, attracting up to 10,000 posts per day.
For sociologists, Mumsnet gives a fascinating insight into the life of the British middle-class mummy. A recent census of 2,000 users showed that nearly two-thirds of Mumsnetters were in their thirties, with 13 per cent aged over 40. Three-quarters have a child under two, nearly half have a child under six and most have just one or two children. More than two-thirds were educated to degree level or beyond. Forty-two per cent had a household income of more than £50,000; 21 per cent worked full-time, 34 per cent worked parttime, 32 per cent were stay-at-home mothers. Postings reveal women who are (or were) lawyers, teachers, geneticists and City honchos.
Which means that, at any moment, members of the site will be engaging in heated debate about the issues de nos jours. 4 x 4s all driven by morons, one thread begins. is late motherhood as bad a problem as teenage mums? reads another. State versus independent schools is a perennial topic. There?s an outraged posting about how a Suzuki violin group will not allow children accompanied by nannies, alongside pleas for advice about the quality of Boden ?Sassy? jeans (?Cringing as I write this,? the writer says). One of the most impassioned spats, which lasted for months, was entitled should you feed your child grapes while going round the supermarket? (No, it?s stealing, said one side, while the other told them to ?get real?.) No wonder that, when David Cameron became Tory leader, one of his first moves was to conduct a live webchat on the site, where he was grilled on everything from breast-feeding rates to special-needs provisions.
For the voyeurs among us, there is a relationships page, where at any time a dozen soap operas are bubbling away: not proud of it but i have been unfaithful; well, it?s finally happened, he?s left and i feel like sh?; i think my mum is depressed how do i bring up the subject? One mother posted that she had just taken an overdose. Other Mumsnetters worked out who she was and called an ambulance, which arrived just in time. They had her daughter picked up from school, then raised £2,000 to pay for childcare when the mother returned home. Mothers who have to flee domestic iolence are not only given advice but offered a roof over their heads. There has been a virtual birth, when one mother went into labour online, guided by the midwife two hours away. After plenty of advice the thread went silent, before her husband came on announcing he?d delivered a daughter.
Much of the time, however, the mood is more frivolous. On a Friday or Saturday night a conversation will often appear entitled is the bar open?, followed by dozens of posts along the lines of, ?Chilled white wine, please,? as women all over the country, their children finally in bed, embark on a virtual girls? night out. It?s at these times that some of the wittiest threads get going. My current favourite is how Mumsnetters would have responded to historical events. Suggestions include: ?Wedding of Charles and Diana ? my MIL is a total cow, and DH won?t stick up for me. Need to rant?; ?Joan of Arc burned at the stake ? at least she didn?t have children?; ?The Boston tea party ? what shall I put in the party bags??; ?Elizabeth I takes the throne ? I bet she changes her mind when she has babies, you know, you can?t combine a serious commitment like children with running the country.?
In fact, the main drawback to Mumsnet seems to be that once you?re on it?s very hard to get off. ?I check Mumsnet all the time,? reads a typical comment. ?My children often stand at the bottom of the stairs, rattling the stairgate like they were inmates of an asylum, screaming, ?Mummy, where are you?? till they?re puce and running with tears. Ooh, feel a bit bad now, because you all think I?m exaggerating and actually I?m playing it down? ?
?We do take addictions very seriously,? Roberts says. ?We get emails all the time saying, ?Please can you police my access?? and they?re quite upset when they realise we can?t actually come into their homes and turn off their computers. A lot of Mumsnetters have regimes where they won?t allow themselves near the computer until 6pm, just like their mothers wouldn?t allow themselves alcohol before that time.?
Extraordinarily, the camaraderie instilled by Mumsnet is so strong that the wheel has now come full circle, and what started as a virtual community is transforming into a real one. Across the country, meetings regularly take place where Mumsnetters cast off their silly nicknames and find new friends. ?Sometimes I?m tempted to go to one, but I never would because I?ve laid too much of myself bare,? says Ruth March. ?I?d find it embarrassing sharing a pizza with women I?ve confessed to about my lack of sex drive and how I reuse dirty knickers from the laundry basket. And I?m frightened the bold, funny woman I?ve reinvented myself as online would be let down by the real me.?
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Kelly1978 · 01/10/2006 16:13
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