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this made me larf about that temple woman

14 replies

cod · 03/05/2006 10:54

If I were . . .
Carol Midgley

Tracey Temple, I'd consider joining an adult literacy course

I would look myself in the mirror and say out loud: “Yes, it is humiliating that the world knows that I’ve shagged a man who looks like Mr Toad but it is far worse that everyone also knows that I’m 43 yet write my diary like a 12-year-old girl with a gonk on the end of her pencil. I am a senior civil servant yet I spell the word busy as ‘bizi’, because as ‘coz’ and tonight as ‘tonite’ as if I am writing to the confessions page of Just 17 magazine. I am indeed an embarrassment to my profession.”
I would realise that the world will now presume that I’m the sort of woman-child who, despite being old enough to be a granny, still has a stuffed Paddington Bear on her bed, who possibly signs birthday cards “lotsa luv Traci! xxxxxxxx” and who dots her i’s with smiley faces. The sort of breathless female who might write on the back of the lavatory doors at a drunken Christmas party at Admiralty House “John + Traci 4ever, never 2 part”.

I would resolve to repeat to myself every day from now on that I am 43 and thus extremely ill advised to wear red leather trousers.

And while I’m down at the council signing up for the adult literacy I might seriously consider booking in for a bit of sex education too. Having to take the morning-after pill after unprotected sex with the DPM is, frankly, gross.

Haven’t I been reading all those Government safe sex leaflets for the past 20 years about how you should always insist on using a condom? Finally, I would reflect on the fact that I have been keeping a private diary since the age of 10. And I would most definitely stop.