overhearing adults verbally abusing their children - what to do? how to cope?

[bellaalba]

I'm not a mum but since I became an auntie 7 years ago (I have six nieces and nephews, and love them to bits) and also since working for a children's charity part-time, I find it REALLY HARD when I overhear children being treated horribly in public.

A few weeks ago I sat near a dad and his little boy on the bus. The little boy spotted something strange on the street (I saw it, too) and started telling his dad about it. His dad made out that the little boy was a liar, which naturally really upset the little boy. The dad then said "don't start with your nonsense, I've had enough of it" or something like that. The little boy turned away from his dad, visibly upset, and looked out the window for the remainder of the journey. I found it so upsetting to watch. I almost wondered whether I should stand up for the little boy, and tell the dad that he was not a liar, because I saw what he saw, too.

And that's nothing! Last weekend I was in my flat when I heard a man on the street outside absolutely irate shouting at someone. It went on for 15 of 20 minutes, he intermittently screamed at someone that he was "right here" and "coming back" and so on. I couldn't tell who he was shouting at, until about 10/15 minutes in when I heard a distraught child weeping and wailing terribly. The louder and more aggressively the man shouted, the more the child cried. It was absolutely heart-breaking. I didn't know what to do. I was thinking that I could go outside and calmly tell him I can hear him from my flat and that the more he shouts, the more the child will cry. Then I heard him shout "fucking little shit!" and there was silence. I think they drove away.

I felt completely rattled, guilty for not doing something, and just really upset. It breaks my heart to hear this kind of thing.

How do other people deal with this? Have you ever approached someone to help protect a child from verbal abuse? Do you think it would be reasonable to go and stand up for a child that is being verbally abused? If that person is the child's dad and the child is regularly treated like that, it seems to me pretty likely they will grow up to have mental health problems. Horrible!!! Heart-breaking!!! What to do?

[Chocolate50]

I hear you OP. I suspect what's happened is that you've made close relationships with your nieces & nephews & are now quite sensitive to the harm that is caused to children daily by their parents & care givers.

I have intervened in similar situations before - I once saw a dad strangling his child- quite hard but obviously didn't choke him, but we were in a shop so I told the shop staff. They did nothing & once the mum realised I'd complained she went nuts & asked me to take her children on! The problem is that unless you are well supported when you say something you are opening yourself up to a whole load of abuse. Although on the bus I would've been tempted to say to the child 'i saw it too' simply just like that.
It is really hard to watch parents behave this way with their children to be truthful there is no answer really though.

[MirkwoodMiss]

I was in a communal changing area after a swimming lesson, waiting for my son come out of the cubicle. A woman I'd say early 40's was hurriedly trying to get one of her two children dry. The other child was running around, climbing in the lockers etc. She was obviously stressed and then completely lost it, with the kid that was running around. She grabbed hold of him, yelling into his face. I couldn't do nothing, but I knew I couldn't tell her not to shout- as that would have sent her over the edge. So I did the opposite. I went over and asked if she was ok and could I help. It turns out, she was pregnant with another child. One that she didn't expect and was struggling to cope. I watched one child while she dressed the other, then we had a bit of a chat. I don't expect things got much easier for her, but it taught me not to be so quick to judge. I realise not all cases are like this one. Like the time I tried to stick my beak in when a man was threatening a woman - they were both stoned and told me to eff off!

[20mum]

In the bus, I would have smiled and apologised for interrupting, but said I also had seen what the boy was describing (Actually, I would say it even if I hadn't seen it, and wonder aloud what the explanation could be, e.g. fancy dress or something if he said he saw a unicorn.)

In the case of the child in the car, ideally if you could get the number and report to a child protection agency, they might or should pass the information to police who should get address from d.v.l.a, and pass it back to protection agency, council social services, police local to the child. If it's a one off, bad enough. If it's an extra bit of evidence needed to rescue the child, you don't know how important it is......e.g. abusive ex banned from contact with mum but has not, yet, been barred from child even though he sobs in terror at prospect of father using 'rights of access'? An entirely independent witness report of what father is doing to child could be just the evidence mum needs to protect him.