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Find cleaning advice from other Mumsnetters on our Housekeeping forum.

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Find cleaning advice from other Mumsnetters on our Housekeeping forum.

Housekeeping

how can I get this off my mind?

49 replies

AliceWonderland88 · 10/10/2019 21:04

My partner comes from another culture and we are going through the stages of spending more time with the future in-laws and getting to know them better. This has all made me a little nervous because of their expectations of me. They said to me in order to be a good wife I must cook and clean for my husband... and I am NOT that type of woman! I didn’t say anything just shrugged and said “we will look after each other and be a team”. My partner assured me he doesn’t have those expectations of me but it is still playing on my mind. I don’t want them to hate me or think I am bad for their son because I don’t believe in traditional male/female roles. But I also won’t budge on my own values. How do I get over this?

OP posts:

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notso · 10/10/2019 21:08

The person best placed to deal with this is your partner. If he genuinely doesn't have those expectations of you then he should be happy to politely correct his family when they bring it up.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2019 21:10

My partner assured me he doesn’t have those expectations of me but it is still playing on my mind.

One of the biggest lies ever told. I would be running for the hills if I were you. Once you're married, his attitude will change, I guarantee it.

Kbeeb1992 · 10/10/2019 21:14

If your partner is happy the way things are then you dont really need to do anything, your relationship has nothing to do with them , aslong as you two are happy together, i know you obviously want them to like you and i know its easier said than done but i just wouldn’t worry too much about it if their son is happy they will come around .

AliceWonderland88 · 10/10/2019 21:14

Aquamarine, thanks for your answer. Do you mind me asking how you know this? Have you had experience of this before?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2019 21:23

Not personal experience, but have known far too many women who were boondoggled into believe their partner didn't agree with his cultures values/expectations. The pressure they get from their family to conform, and the ingrained beliefs they were raised with are often too powerful for them to set aside. If you've been on mumsnet longer than 5 minutes you would know this is a very common problem.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2019 21:31

My partner assured me he doesn’t have those expectations of me but it is still playing on my mind.

I'm thinking that there might be something in the way your partner responded to his parents, his tone of voice, his body language, whatever, that has made you concerned. Could this be true?

AliceWonderland88 · 10/10/2019 21:34

Yes! He won’t talk to me about it. He just said he doesn’t have those expectations of me and won’t discuss the topic further. He wants me to be his wife but I realised I have. I idea what I’m getting into

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2019 21:38

I'm sorry, op, but his refusal to talk about this is a MASSIVE red flag waving right in your face. Please don't ignore it. I have big doubts that he is the man for you.

TheVanguardSix · 10/10/2019 21:41

I don't know OP.
I suppose the thing you're realising is that you're marrying the whole family- it's one of those cultures, isn't it? And while you're in that kind of marriage, your husband-to-be will be pretty much powerless in the face of those long-standing expectations and traditions. They will burden you both. I wish you strength.
There's the husband he would really like to be (progressive, equal, supportive, feminist) and the husband he's not allowed to be, culturally speaking (progressive, equal, supportive, feminist).

Maybe that's what's playing on your mind: The knowing that he quite possibly won't permit himself to be the husband he wishes to be.

chocodrops · 10/10/2019 21:42

Yep, no idea. Particularly if he won't be drawn on what he means by 'not having those expectations'. When he's not taken out the rubbish, done the shopping, cleaned the house, cooked a meal, done a school pick up or a trip to the GP for years he may still be patting himself on the back for phoning in a takeaway tea and loading the dishwasher while you're sick 🙄

Things like this make a real and lasting difference to your life. Think about how you want to live and what your values mean. Does he really share them? Does this relationship match up to them?

Basil90 · 10/10/2019 21:44

Ha, good luck with that OP...

HuloBeraal · 10/10/2019 21:45

His refusal to discuss it is a huge red flag. My husband’s family is also v conservative but he’s not. He’s always made that clear. We have been married for over a decade, two kids, and he’s an utterly equal parent and partner and has made big sacrifices for my career and for the family. I am sure the in laws are appalled but he’s dealt with it all, and no one says anything now. It is his refusal to discuss it that alarms me.

Elieza · 10/10/2019 21:57

Um, yeah that’s not ideal. Is that how he deals with things you have concerns about, refuse to accept you have valid feelings and ignore the problem in the hope it will go away. Or does he feel that there is no point in discussing his family’s ridiculous expectations?
Who knows. Best way to find out is live together and see.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2019 22:00

Do you live together op? This would be the easiest way to tell.

AliceWonderland88 · 10/10/2019 22:11

It’s not that he refuses he just doesn’t see the point in discussing it more than once. He said he doesn’t expect it from me and he loves me and that’s all I need to know. I will be honest I’ve brought it up to him a few times but I still haven’t found my closure. For some reason I don’t quite believe him. Why would he all of a sudden not believe in the values he’s been brought up with? Yes we live together and he does some housework and cooking but we haven’t got into a routine as such yet.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2019 22:18

Surely you can't tell by the way it's going if you live together?

Why don't you believe him if he's walking the walk?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2019 22:19

Why would he all of a sudden not believe in the values he’s been brought up with?

Chances are, he hasn't stopped believing in them. Don't forget that living together is NOT the same as being married. The pressure from his family has only just begun. If you marry him there will be an enormous amount of pressure put upon him to live up to his culture's expectations. Do the in-laws believe that it is the daughte-in-laws responsibility to care for the elderly PIL's when they get older? Will your partner face constant criticism if he does household chores. Being emasculated by your own family can be more than anyone can take. He will bend to their ways to escape their displeasure.

Fiacla · 10/10/2019 22:21

I think this should be in Relationships rather than Housekeeping, OP. Yes, what is it that’s preventing you believing him? What’s preventing you laughing gently at his parents and pointing out that while women in their culture might be skivvies, fortunately you’ve got different norms?

PBSandwich · 10/10/2019 22:29

I come from a conservative culture and quite a traditional family. I understand some people that have answered to this discussion will find that kind of background undesirable and you have stated that being a traditional wife is not your aim in life.

I married someone from another culture and we both had to adjust to each other expectations. We still are but we talk about it a lot, and keeping an honest and open discussion about it has made our marriage grow stronger with time.

I have had to let go of several traditional husband expectations simply because they are not compatible with my husband yet there have been other expectations that are at the core of what I was brought up to know as a good husband. These core expectations have been thoroughly analysed, discussed and accepted but always in agreement with both of us. I was very honest with him before we got married into what kind of thing he was getting into. He will be marrying into my family and my culture and all members are very keen on always finding common ground and let both our cultures merge and bring strength into the marriage instead of division.

It is hard to break from your cultural and family roots, some traditions should be carried on, others changed and few erased.

Have a think about what is it that you want in a marriage because it cannot be only your way or his. It has to be your way, him and yours. A combined vision. If you are not willing to commit to certain traditional roles then you are not the woman for him. If he is unwilling to discuss things with you and listen carefully to your angst then he is not the man for you.

I wish you the best.

Wearywithteens · 10/10/2019 22:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

AliceWonderland88 · 10/10/2019 22:45

What prevents me from believing him is his body language. How he goes quiet every time I bring it up. How everyday his mum makes him dinner, cleans up after him while he moans at her for not using his favourite chicken. When says things like “I love you that’s all you need to know” and when instead of comforting me when I approach the subject he turns it around on me, changes the subject or just gets annoyed at me.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2019 22:48

Jesus, op. He is telling you everything you need to know. Marry him and YOU will be his mummy, I promise you. For goodness sake, don't ignore what your instincts are telling you.

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user1486131602 · 10/10/2019 22:53

You already know the answer. You gut is yelling you.
Time to walk away.

Fiacla · 10/10/2019 22:57

Walk away, OP. He probably loves his mother too, but it doesn’t stop him treating her like a skivvy because she has a vagina.

TheClitterati · 10/10/2019 23:28

It’s not that he refuses he just doesn’t see the point in discussing it more than once.

Op read what you have written here ^

The man has spoken. He sees no need to discuss anything further. Your feelings or worries are not relevant.

Run.

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